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Funny Stories and Life Experiences

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Kids!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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I taught kids at risk for 23 years. One day one of my students came to my desk, sat down in the chair I always kept beside me, which I used for student consulations, looked me in the eye and asked me “Do you have cats?” When I told him I did, his next question was, “Do you live alone?” “Why?” I asked. The student then leaned forward, put his hand on my arm, looked me straight in the eye and said, “Because if you die,  and no one finds you, your cats will eat you!”

I still crack up when I think about that. This was not a malicious kid, nor was his statement malicious.  He was always one of my favorite students! 

 

 

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Next time you are out in the country you will know!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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The History of 'APRONS'

I don't think most kids today know what an apron is. The principle use of Mom's or Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids..

And when the weather was cold, she wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, she walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

Send this to those who would know (and love) the story about aprons.

REMEMBER:

Mom's and Grandma's used to set hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.

I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron - but love

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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I'm pushing this topic a little, but why not!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

Well Dave, I live in the Midwest and not only do I have a junk drawer, I have a junk cabinet in the kitchen. So if I can't find what I'm looking for in the junk drawer, I go to the junk cabinet where I have everything in baskets and I can find it usually there.

 

Honored Social Butterfly

Click below to view a real life version of "The Secret Lives of Pets."  Be sure to scroll down to the four video clips:

 

https://www.thedodo.com/close-to-home/cat-cuddles-dog-when-owner-is-away

 

P. S. - I know that this is not necessarily the "correct" space for these two, but even "pets" have amusing and touching life experiences.  Enjoy the sweetness.

Honored Social Butterfly

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER: Some adult language!

Moved to Wisconsin this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the **bleep** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The **bleep** snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **bleep** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the **bleep** is lying.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a **bleep** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the **bleep** snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the **bleep** slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The **bleep** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???

-Author Unknown

 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

Thanks Dave for The Diary of a Snow Shoveler.  It was so funny.  I laffed out loud!

Lydia

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TBD

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A reminder that there is one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP'. It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understandUP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wakeUP?

At a meeting, why does a topic comeUP? Why do we speakUP, and why are the officersUPfor election and why is itUPto the secretary to writeUPa report? We callUPour friends, brightenUPa room, polishUPthe silver, warmUPthe leftovers and cleanUPthe kitchen. We lockUPthe house and fixUPthe old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stirUPtrouble, lineUPfor tickets, workUPan appetite, and thinkUPexcuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressedUPis special.

And thisUPis confusing: A drain must be openedUP because it is stoppedUP.

We openUPa store in the morning but we close itUPat night. We seem to be pretty mixedUP aboutUP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses ofUP, lookUPthe wordUPin the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takesUPalmost 1/4 of the page and can addUPto about thirty definitions.

If you areUPto it, you might try buildingUPa list of the many waysUPis used. It will takeUPa lot of your time, but if you don't giveUP, you may windUPwith a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is cloudingUP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearingUP. When it rains, the earth soaks itUP. When it does not rain for a while, things dryUP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap itUP, for now . . . my time isUP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack youUP?

Don't screwUP. Send this on to everyone you lookUPin your address book . . or not . . . it'sUPto you.

Now I'll shutUP

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Do not drink and bike!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Do not drink and bike!

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New years! 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

What I'm about to share here is not a "funny story."  No, there are no laughs in it.   This writing is about life experiences which have made all too real to me the value of life and love.

 

To be truthful, I already knew this before this year.  But my "knowing" was a head knowledge thing.  You see the full reality of it came to the fore as I experienced it for real.  And this is what I learned this year for sure:

 

There is no job, no amount of money, no mass of possessions, no houses or lands, or any other "thing" that can take the place of good health or a true love lost.  For who would not pay any amount of money or trade whatever possessions they had to gain a healthy body and to be able to live a life in full health?  And which one of us would not return every bit of inheritance or life insurance benefit, in exchange for the return of the one who departed this life while holding our heart and undying love tightly in the essence of their being? And we...vice versa?

 

So what I am saying is live and love with everything you are and have.  Take care of you (your body/health)  and  love whomever you have been blessed to love so that they know beyond any doubt that you are "together" committed and entwined as one in a love that is unshakable even unto death itself.  Even unto death itself!

 

LIVE LIFE AS IF IT WILL NEVER END!

 

LOVE WITHOUT CEASING!

Honored Social Butterfly

A poem about Nurses!

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Hmmmmmmmm!

 

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It is a dogs life!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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What about the elk!

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Dirty old men!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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This may have been posted before but I like the message!

 

Yesterday after shopping in our local supermarket, I was in the queue at the Check Out, and heard when the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.
The woman apologised to the young girl & then sighed, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. You folk didn't do enough to save our environment for future generations."
The older lady said "Ahh yes you're right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day." She sighed then continued:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles & beer bottles to the shops. The shops then sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilized & refilled, so those same bottles were used over & over, thus REALLY were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Grocery stores put our groceries into brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) were not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalise our books on their brown paper bag/covers. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
I remember how we walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store or office building; walked to the grocery store & didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go 200 yards.
. . . But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind & solar power really did dry our clothes back in our days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. . . . But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then we had one radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And if anyone did own a TV, it had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of a football pitch. When cooking we blended & stirred by hand coz we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send by post, we used layers of old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity., , , , But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, & we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then. Back then, people took the bus & kids rode bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's expensive car or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing"..
Oh and we had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest leisure park.
. . . . But it so sad this current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then? . . . I think you should forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from some smart ass young person. .. ...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smart ass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much. 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

 

A shaggy dog tale.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.

No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.

No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly


@DaveMcK wrote:

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As someone who has lost several wonderful, wonderful beloved people,  all I can say to this post is "Y-E-S!!!!"

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My uncle who fought in WWIMy uncle who fought in WWI 

The 100th Anniversary of Armistice Day-Veterans Day will be celebrated November 11, 2018.

Veterans Day is an official United States public holiday, observed annually on November 11, that honors military veterans; that is, persons who served in the United States Armed Forces. It coincides with other holidays, including Armistice Day and Remembrance Day, celebrated in other countries that mark the anniversary of the end of World War I; major hostilities of World War I were formally ended at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918, when the Armistice with Germany went into effect. The United States previously observed Armistice Day. The U.S. holiday was renamed Veterans Day in 1954.

Veterans Day

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World War I veteran Joseph Ambrose attends the dedication parade for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, holding the flag that covered the casket of his son, killed in the Korean War.
Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

In church one Sunday morning, the preacher said, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade . . ..."

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