Funny Stories and Life Experiences

[DaveMcK]

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

[DaveMcK]

THINGS AND HAPPENINGS FROM THE DAYS IN OUR PAST!

Life in the Fifties & Sixties

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot. Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot, there lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn. And we got good in sneaking home when our parents were starting to yawn.

We longed for love and romance and waited for our Prince. We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee', we cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and three was one too many, only boys wore flat-top cut's, only in our wildest dreams in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice, and when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, Chester had a limp, Festus had a mule and Reagan had a chimp.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go, At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be, and Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead, and Airplanes weren't named Jefferson and Zeppelins were not made of Led.

The Beatles were, Something New and Monkeys didn't live in trees but Alice lived with a white rabbit in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves or telephones in cars. Pumping iron got wrinkles out and dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag and microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea and Space shuttles were just coming around in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Our skirts were below the knee to keep our legs from view. And we wore super structured bras, designed by Howard Hughes.

We had no patterned pantyhose but we learned to walk in 2 inch shoes in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Middle-aged was thirty-five and old was fifty-three and ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season or so we've heard them say, and now instead of Maybelline, we swear by Retin-A.

We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

[DaveMcK]

My Grandfather and I took a trip to the  UP in 1958 and one the things we did was to drive over the Bridge and back to the UP.

The Mackinac Bridge opened for traffic November 1, 1957, or 66 years ago this month. What a change it has made in the lives of most of us in the Upper Peninsula, and especially the eastern U.P. The official bridge dedication celebration was held over three days in late June, 1958, with a grand parade, fireworks, official release by the U. S. Postmaster General Arthur Summerfield of a commemorative stamp, and the first bridge walk, on June 25th, led by Michigan Gov. G. Mennen “Soapy” Williams. The traditional Labor Day date for the walk started in 1959.
June 25th was a rainy and foggy day, which may in part account for the low participation rate: 65 according to information written on the envelope holding the negative for this image, and 100 according to the Evening News account. It was also none too warm, judging by the clothes worn by the people you can see. Zoom in and you might be able to see that some of them appear to be waving at or taking a picture of the aircraft from which this picture was taken. In 2007, 60,000 people took part in the bridge walk, and in 1992, a record 85,000 crossed with President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara, who were here campaigning for his re-election. On December 6, 2018, shortly after the former president passed away, we posted a picture of Pres. Bush and his entourage taken during the bridge walk, Photographer unknown. Sault News Collection, neg. # 5018

[Therapist4u]

Hi Dave! @DaveMcK

Great story....& Great memories to share!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Take care!  🍂🍁🍂☮️  ~Allen 🌈 🍂🍁🍂

[DaveMcK]

I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the souce.

[Therapist4u]

Hi Dave! @DaveMcK

 that was friggin funny!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Take care!  🍂🍁🍂☮️  ~Allen 🌈🍂🍁🍂

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

TWO HUNTERS HAD RENTED

Two hunters had rented an airplane to get to the distant forest zone. After couple of weeks the pilot returned to take them back. After looking at their hunting trophies he said:
– The plane won’t be able to carry more than one buffalo. You will have to leave one of them.
– But last year the pilot agreed to take on board two buffalos the same size as these,- the hunters protested.
The pilot thought about it and said:
– Ok. If it worked the last year, it should work this time too.
The plane tried to take off with two passengers and two buffalos on board, but it was not able to reach the required height. The plane crashed into the nearest hill. After getting out the plane wreck, the hunters looked around. One of them said to another:
– Where do you think we are?
His pal examined the surroundings and answered:
– I think we are two miles south from the place that we crashed the last time.

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Meaningful experiences can shape a person’s thinking, alter their perspective, and ultimately mold their character. Ideally, we will learn something from our experiences that allow us to grow, develop wisdom, and ultimately become better people.

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

AN ENGLISH MAN'S VIEW OF SELF CHECK OUTS!

To all the Supermarkets and big commercial stores that operate 'Self Check-outs'....... You are heading towards almost exclusively self-checkout now. Yesterday I went shopping at one such store and the lady checking receipts at the exit was stopping everyone.
I didn't choose to participate in that nonsense, I had already filled my trolly, emptied my trolly and scanned the items, refilled my trolly and so I just skipped the exit line and left.
I heard her saying "Umm - Excuse me “ as I kept walking and raised the receipt above my head, leaving the store.
You can either trust me to do self-checkout, or you can put your cashiers back in place like it used to be.
• I'm not interested in proving that I did your job for you.
• If you want me to be a cashier with no training then that's your problem not mine.
• Keep employing young people and give them job opportunities.
YOU DON'T PAY ME TO SCAN MY OWN SHOPPING.
YOU DON’T GIVE ME STAFF DISCOUNT FOR WORKING FOR YOU.
Signed ......All of us
People we need to share this statement its basically about PROFIT to the stores AND putting People out of a JOB....!!!

[DaveMcK]

My folks had a two holer at the family summer cottage. Did you have an experience like at a County, State or National Park

[LeeS4949]

Ours had a Sears and Roebuck catalog to help pass the time. The paper was kept in a coffee can because the roof leaked.

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

YES THEY ARE AMONG US!

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Not too BRIGHT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a

service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

You now have 2 options...

Delete it…..

or

Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

@everyone

[DaveMcK]

WOW, CHECK IT OUT...😮

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Golf in Heaven

Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!"

"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."

"You're not Frank. Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the
past."

"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday."

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]