Funny Stories and Life Experiences

[DaveMcK]

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Can you believe I lasted less than a day as a retail store greeter?

Well, here's what happened.  True story. 

A few hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman came into the store with her two children, yelling at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
'Good morning, and welcome. Nice children you have there; are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone would make a baby with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
The HR department said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

P.S. -- I never really worked at Wal-Mart.

[LydiaN586309]

BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.  SO THERE!!

P.S. -- I have some friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends......they may be my friends, too.

[DaveMcK]

[bs49257304]

As soon as I saw the word Penguin I knew you where the Joker!

Yours Sincerely

BATMAN

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

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@DaveMcK wrote:

---

*****************************************

Here's my sentence:

That whippersnapper is a nincompoop who doesn't know his doohickey from a whatnot!

[bs49257304]

I was flabbergasted to see the whippersnapper create such shenanigans.

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

I got all  17!

[LydiaN586309]

Dear Dave,

I remember every last thing on that list.  So I guess I am officially older than dirt!

Thank you, D-a-v-i-d!!!

[LydiaN586309]

Signs that you have grown up, not just old!

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog/cat Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking "How did that Happen!!?!
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old self. 

[LydiaN586309]

Old-Timer Woes

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.  "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean.  My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.

"Thank God we can all still drive."

[DaveMcK]

I keep hoping we could get more people posting or giving Kudos to those that do post! 

Are you out there!

[DaveMcK]

Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day!

Click Link: http://pearlharborevents.com/about/

 

[DaveMcK]

Not sure why the writer felt the expletives were needed in this!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

HOW TO START A FIGHT!

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

.....And that’s how the fight started…

[LydiaN586309]

HOW TO START A FIGHT!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said,’Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s how the fight started…

[LydiaN586309]

HOW TO START A FIGHT!

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s how the fight started…

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

TOGETHER-NESS....

AND FOREVER-NESS....

[DaveMcK]

I know that this is out of season for most us but I find it interesting!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Rate Adult!