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Message 121 of 157

So, we frequent a bike trail that takes us through this park. The park has large fields, rolling hills, a creek and a lake. In short, it is a favorite spot for overwintering Canada geese (along with American wigeons, mallards, gulls and others). But apparently the powers that be feel one of the meadows is receiving a bit too much goose love, for a month ago they installed a man-made coyote in the middle of the field. That first coyote had fur, and maybe smelled the part, for while it was installed, the field was goose-free. Then the plan, and the coyote, fell apart in a snowstorm. The ruined coyote was replaced with this coyote.

 

coyote cu edit.jpgPlaster coyote protecting local field from geese.

 

Note the patch of coyote fur fixed to the ground behind the plaster coyote. Then note the 300ish geese in the field behind the coyote. Don't they appear to be sneaking up on the would-be sentry?

 

 

geese and coyote edit.jpgHey, who wants to sneak up on their 'coyote'? Dibs on leaving scat atop that pitiful patch of fur!

Moral to the story, I guess, is don't allow yourself to be fooled by plaster in coyote's clothing. 

 

 

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright he's the famous comedian/scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do and here are some of his gems:

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 123 of 157

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 124 of 157

New Wine Before Bed

 

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not.....

California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as

PINO MORE

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Re: Funny Stories

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Elderly Woman Was Shocked When She Saw Four Men Leaving With Her Car. Then This Happened…

A reader recently emailed us this joke. 12 hours later…we’re still laughing. Read it below.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

LOL!

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Re: Funny Stories

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Woman was buying her grandson a gift, but never expected the cashier to say this

This joke was emailed to us by Lindsey V. from Ontario, Canada

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway…… He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes……there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

LOL. What would you do?

Share this joke with your friends.

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Message 127 of 157

Very funny; thanks for the grins. Smiley Happy

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Re: Funny Stories

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I was sent this yesterday by a British Facebook Friend. He said it applies in the UK as well.

 

It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up yours"

8:45 Local TV news crew shows up after I'm arrested for "threatening" the police. Reporter asks if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am thereafter referred to a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral to the Story: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the America we live in today!

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Teacher Asks Boy Questions To See If He Can Skip Grades. Answers Are Too Much For Principal
written by
 Inno Asuncion
 on January 31st, 2018

A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”

 

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The teacher and Jimmy both agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Jimmy: “9.”

Principal: “6 x 6?”

Jimmy: “36.”

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”

Jimmy: “Legs”

Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Jimmy says, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Jimmy: “Pants.”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”

Jimmy: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

Please SHARE this with your friends and family

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Re: Funny Stories

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FB_IMG_1517447409828.jpg

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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