AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY - Page 72

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

BonnieC10 · ‎03-21-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A blonde was in a curtain shop and said, "I want those pink curtains for my PC."

"But PC's don't need curtains" commented the sales clerk.

The blonde replied, "Duh ! I have windows !"

BonnieC10 · ‎03-20-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

There was once a recluse who never left his home. The only time anyone saw him was to deliver his food and supplies.

One storm night he had a nervous breakdown. He went upstairs and turned off all the lights and went to bed.

Next morning he had caused the deaths of several hundred people ....... why?

.....

....

He lived in a lighthouse.

nell2 · ‎03-19-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie

I love it... lol

BonnieC10 · ‎03-19-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man was sitting in a bar with his wife..He says, "I love you."

She says, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "That's me talking to the beer."

BonnieC10 · ‎03-18-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Maxine says:

"It's okay to pretend we're Irish on St. Patty's Day, we pretend we're good on Christmas don't we?"

Pinch me on St.Patrick's Day, and the road will rise up and meet your face!

I actually saw a leprechaun once...After enough green beer, you see all kinds of stuff!

St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, I wonder if I could get him to stop by the office...

(((())))

BonnieC10 · ‎03-17-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()((()))()())())()()())()()())()()())()

IRISH BLESSINGS

May your thoughts

be as glad

as the Shamrocks.

May your heart

be as light

as a song.

May each day bring you

bright

happy hours...

That stay with

you

all year long .

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY !!

BonnieC10 · ‎03-17-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one...just 'ad another fight with the ittle woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really??" said Charles, "Now that's a switch!" What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken."

BonnieC10 · ‎03-16-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

IRISH PROVERBS

A KIND WORD NEVER BROKE ANYONE'S MOUTH.

A DOG OWNS NOTHING, YET IS SELDOM DISSATISFIED.

IT IS BETTER TO BE BORN LUCKY THAN RICH.

A LIE TRAVELS FARTHER THAN THE TRUTH.

PUT SILK ON A GOAT, AND IT'S STILL A GOAT.

DRINK IS THE CURSE OF THE LAND. IT MAKES YOU FIGHT WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR. IT MAKES YOU SHOOT AT YOUR LANDLORD, AND IT MAKES YOU MISS HIM.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO YOUR OWN GROWING, NO MATTER HOW TALL YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS.

BonnieC10 · ‎03-15-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"May your troubles be less..

your Blessings be more...

And nothing but tall, dark, handsome men

come through your door.....

BonnieC10 · ‎03-15-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon." Arching his eye brows, the Irishman then replies, "Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and winter Solstices.

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.!"

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says...

"Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars." And so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Irishman replies, "Indeed, that is true, but it was the Irish who introduced it to women."

BonnieC10 · ‎03-14-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

IRISH DIPLOMACY:

The art of telling a man to go to hell

so that he looks forward to making the trip.

BonnieC10 · ‎03-14-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Donnell street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye !'.. Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." Then they parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father! We now have three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"

BonnieC10 · ‎03-13-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini.... each time removing the olives and placing them into a jar.

When the jar was full, and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer.

"What was that all about?"

"Oh nothin;" said the Irishman.

"Me wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K . Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was homesick already...

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage."

"How'd that happen?" asked the employee.

"The cork fell out.!" said the Irishman.

BonnieC10 · ‎03-12-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

TIME CHANGE : SET YOUR CLOCK AHEAD ONE HOUR

BonnieC10 · ‎03-12-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" said the doctor.
"Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I tau't I were going to drop on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the f**kin' skippin'"

BonnieC10 · ‎03-11-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

George Washington was crossing the Delaware with his troops. There were 33 men in his boat. It was extremely dark and stormy and the water was tossing them about.

Washington grabbed Corp.Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to swing it back and forth so they could see where they were headed.

A big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corp, Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find him, but to no avail.

Sometime later they landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. Washington rallied the troops and told them they must go on. Just then one of the troops said, "General, I see lights ahead. They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute.

Gen. Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

Washington was the first to speak," Ma'am I am Gen. Geo.Washington, and these are my men. We are wet, exhausted and desperately in need of warmth and comfort."

With a broad smile on her face, she said, "Well, General, how many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Nadam said....."You Gotta Be Shittin' Me!"

BonnieC10 · ‎03-11-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

Libby.... What a great story..thanks for sharing it with us. Have a nice day.

libbyboi · ‎03-10-2011

I use to go to a neighborhood pub for a light supper and a drink some times. The owners were two brother, one that teased me all the time about being a nurse. Saying how he hated them and they were not good for anything except bedpans and giving baths. I would say back to him "ok Joe, some day you are going to need a good nurse." One night I repeated that to him as I was leaving to get some sleep because I was on duty at 7am.

After I left, Joe who was doing the cooking has a large vat of cooking oil catch fire. not quite sure what to do , he picked up the vat and walk out the door into the very cold winter air to toss it out. The cold air rushed in and blew the flame right onto his chest and lower face. The EMTs took him to the only burn unit in the area, He was admitted and stabilized and put into the burn unit under isolation. I went on duty at 7am in the same burn unit , got my report and noted that I was to tub and remove dead skin on the new admitted patient. I almost dropped my charts when I saw my first patient's name.

I gowned, and mask before entering the tub room and got my setup of equipment to do this very unhappy job. Joe was dosing under the morphine shot his nurse gave him and did not really look at me. His nurse has explained what we were going to do to him in that big tub and I guess he really did not care he was in such pain. I leaned over him to start on the lower neck and chest area to remove the loose burned skin and He looked at me ( All he could see were my eyes over the mask and under my cap). I smiled and said "now Joe what was that you said last night about hating nurses" As I carefully cut and pulled on the old dead skin so the new skin grafts could be placed later. Be careful what you say, you never know when it will come back and bite you in the rump Now Joe is my new best friend.

BonnieC10 · ‎03-10-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctor operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got up enough energy to pull his hospital gown up so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts, were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.....if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was this sentence, :"Get well soon. From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

BonnieC10 · ‎03-09-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Did you hear the one about the young Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand," shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive....

It's called Wedding cake.

BonnieC10 · ‎03-09-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

"Tis surely true Libby! ...LOL

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?

A. A bachelor.

libbyboi · ‎03-08-2011

Great Patty's Day wish Bonnie. You know spring is coming near when the Patty' Day wishes come out. LOL

BonnieC10 · ‎03-08-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MAXINE'S ST. PATTY'S DAY WISH

MAY THE WIND AT YOUR BACK, NOT BE THE RESULT OF THE CORN BEEF AND CABBAGE YOU HAD FOR LUNCH.

libbyboi · ‎03-07-2011

If there are any retired Rn out there get ready to roll. I could add some of my 23 years as an RN to this but not this time. Later-----Libby

Life can be funnier than fiction. thats for sure.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ..'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ..
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste..'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

nell2 · ‎03-07-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"President's Day is when Obama? lol nell

BonnieC10 · ‎03-07-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

Libby: This one's for you! LOL

I was eating lunch with my 10 yr.old grandson when his mom asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said "Presidents Day."

She asked, "What does that mean?" I was waiting for something profound...........

He said....

"President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment .."

I almost snorted my coffee.

libbyboi · ‎03-06-2011

per--- Best joke of 2011, That is the real thing.. Love it , did my old repub. heart good. LOL Got to send this one to my cousin, she will be rolling on the floor in laughter.. Thanks libby

BonnieC10 · ‎03-06-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

BEST JOKE FOR 2011

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Validmar Putin all die and go to hell...

While they are there, they spy a red phone and ask what it is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes...When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours! When he's fnished the devil informs him the cost is $5.00.......

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply..

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

BonnieC10 · ‎03-05-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A blonde goes into a coffee shop, and notices a 'peel & win" sticker on her coffee mug.

So she peels it off and starts screaming "I won a motor home", "I won a motor home!".....

The waitress says that's impossible, the biggest prize is a free lunch. But the blonde keeps on screaming..."I won a motor home, I won a motor home!"....

Finally the manager comes over and says "Ma'am I'm sorry, but you're mistaken, you couldn't have possibly won a motor home , as we didn't have that as a prize."

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake" and she hands him the ticket. He reads.......

'WINABAGEL' !