AARP Hearing Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Wine doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean....( against the table, chair, floor and ugly people).. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
FOOL PROOF WAY FOR OLD GUYS TO PICK UP CHICKS......
"I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.. She immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet..
As we made love, I thought, "Those taser guns and Viagra are well worth the money !" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An old guy, ( not in the best of shape), is working out in the gym. He spots a sweet young thing... he asks the trainer who was nearby, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Nowadays 80% of all women are against marriage. Why ?? Because they realize it's not worth buying an entire pig to get a little sausage. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet..he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad. Their very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill!" answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa.
"I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow...
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10 not $110."
"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Whenever I'm going through a tough time, I try meditating....
That's the same thing as 'ignoring people', except you do it while sitting crosslegged on the floor....
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
HEALTH MESSAGE
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the Postman should be immortal!
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks only water and is FAT !
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives 450 years !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2
Hi Nell....
Can't sleep??
Try counting your blessings ! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I love it-Bonniemenopause is mentioned in the Bible
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Redneck Rules to live by
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Even if you live alone, deoderant is not a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewerly and alter the taste of finget foods.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Rodney Dangerfield said:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
A hooker once told me she had a headache !
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
I knew a girl that was so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure the sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
My wife is such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook...we pray after the meal.
I know I'm not sexy...when I put on my underwear, I can hear the Fruit of the Loom giggling. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by KellyCM98
Great one Kelly !
The sheriff pulled up next to a guy who was unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch....
The sheriff said, "Why are you dumping that garbage into the ditch? Don't you see the sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied, "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says, "Fine for dumping garbage."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests,. What will it be?"
The first priest said he always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mt.s
The second says, "Will any of this count ?"
"No," said St. Peter, As the computer is down, we can't keep track of what you are doing."
"In that case, I've always wanted to be a stud."
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy, he's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the Eagles. But the second might prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire somewhere in Maine."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I went into a gas station today and asked for $5. worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt! 
"I downloaded AARP Perks to assist in staying connected and never missing out on a discount!" -LeeshaD341679
