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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold every object that you own. If it does not bring you joy, you throw it away.

 

So far, I have thrown out all the veggies, my bra, the electric bill, the scale, a mirror and my treadmill.  Smiley Wink

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 472 of 2,655

I am going bananas.

That's what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.

 

If anybody can think of a better fish pun,

Let minnow..

 

"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?

 

One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

 

I spilled glue on my autobiography & then accidently sat on it.

Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while, whereas the other will see you later.

 

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

 

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow. 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 473 of 2,655

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table.

 

"Young man," my neighbor informed the host, "We're both 90 yrs. old !  We may not have that long." 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 474 of 2,655

Since the pledge of allegiance and the Lord's prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore, because the word "God" is mentioned, a kid in Arizona wrote this new school prayer:

 

"Now I sit me down in school,

Where praying is against the rule..

For this great nation under God,

Finds mention of Him very odd.

 

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow,

Becomes a Federal matter now.

 

Our hair can be purple, orange or green..

That's no offense, it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

 

For prayinf in a public hall,

Might offend someone with no faith at all.

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the state.

 

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

 

GOD BLESS AMERICA !  

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 475 of 2,655

I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

 

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, " So, which six items would you like to buy?"  Cat Wink

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 476 of 2,655

Thats a good one Bonnie!!

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 477 of 2,655

HILLARY to TRUMP:

 

"I want you to release your tax returns."

 

 

TRUMP to HILLARY:

 

"I emailed them to you ."       Man Frustrated

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 478 of 2,655

CHANGING THE TOILET PAPER

 

DOES NOT CAUSE

 

BRAIN DAMAGE ! 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 479 of 2,655

JACK (age 3)

 

Watching his mom breast feed his new baby sister... he asks...

 

" Mom why do you have two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

 

 

STEVEN ( age 3 )

 

Hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you under my bedroom window." 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 480 of 2,655

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

 

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said," What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

 

The old Jewish driver answered, " Let me tell you sumsing, Lady. I vasn't  staring at you like you tink. Det vould not be proper vair I come from."

 

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, sweetie if you're not staring at me, what are you doing?"

 

He paused a moment, then told her... "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, "Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

 

Now, that's a REAL businessman ! 

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