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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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WHEN THE TREE OF LIFE IS DYING......

 

PRUNE THE TOP 1 %

 

AND FEED THE ROOTS ! 

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7.       You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

 

8.      You have no idea what a polecat is.

 

9.      You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

 

10.    You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than at Six Flags.

 

11.    You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his won TV fishing show.

 

12.    Instead of referring to two or more people as 'y'all', you call them 'you guys' even if both of them are women.

 

cont.

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By now I'm sure you have heard all of the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

 

 

You just might be a Blue Neck if:

 

1.  You think BBQ is a verb meaning, "To cook outside". 

 

2.  You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY !

 

3.  You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

 

4.  For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

 

5.  You've never, ever, eaten Okra, fried or boiled. 

 

6.  You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

 

to be continued

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Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? 

 

Is there a wonderful moment when  parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life" and feel nothing?

 

One of my children quite recently said to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried".

 

I smiled a warm smile.......The torch has been passed.

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FIBULA.................................... A small lie

 

GENITAL................................. A Non-Jewish person

 

Post Operative...................... A letter carrier

 

Terminal Illness.................... Getting sick at the airport

 

Tumor....................................  More than one

 

Urine....................................... The opposite of you're out.

 

Varicose................................ Near by

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Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams and haddock too, If you want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

 

 

So what if every person in a pickup waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept where you come from?

 

You bring Coke into our houses, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

 

Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

 

Cars with Massachusetts license plates should be treated with great caution as everyone knows that Massholes can't drive properly.

 

Welcome to Maine.... The Way Life should Be...

 

Now go back home!

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The Maine Turnpike handed out "Welcome to Vacationland" informational flyers . Here are rules for visiting Maine:

 

1.   That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at, did more work before breakfast than you will do all week.

 

2.   It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have four-wheel-drive because we need it. Now drive, or get out of the way.

 

3.  We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

 

4.  Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get your butt kicked, by our women.

 

5.  Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

 

6.  If that cell phone rings when a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

 

 

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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough TV shows with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now.

 

I was reading in the paper today about the dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low !

 

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet, I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."   Cat Surprised

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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque... They've told the public not to panic, as they've managed to push it inside...

 

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over $1million dollars worth of improvments. 

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it may be the start of Ram-a-Dam.

 

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloreds from running.. 

 

Years ago it was suggested that "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great! 

 

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Here is the summary of our civilization at the end of 2015:

 

 

Our phones.................................wireless

 

Cooking .................................... Fireless

 

Cars............................................ Keyless

 

Food..........................................  Fatless

 

Tires..........................................  Tubeless

 

Youth........................................  Jobless

 

Leaders....................................  Shameless

 

Relationships........................   Meaningless

 

Attitudes..................................  Careless

 

Babies.....................................   Fatherless

 

Feelings..................................  Heartless

 

Children..................................  Mannerless

 

Government..........................  Clueless

 

Politicians..............................  Worthless

 

And I'm scared   Sh--less !

 

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If Trump wins the election...

It will be the first time in history

That a billionare moved into

public housing vacated by 

A black family.

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I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter

To be left to the politicians.

 

Charles de Gaulle

 

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,

It might be better to change the locks.

 

Doug Larson

 

 

My favorite:

 

If you want a real friend that you can trust

In Washington, get a dog.

 

Harry Truman

 

 

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Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, 

Go out and buy some more tunnel 

 

John Quinton

 

 

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor

And campaign funds from the rich,

By promising to protect each from the other 

 

Oscar Ameringer

 

 

I offer my opponents a bargain:

If they will stop telling lies about us,

I will stop telling the truth about them.

 

Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech 1952~

 

 

A Politician is a fellow

Who will lay down your life

For his country.

 

 

Charles de Gaulle

 

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Politicians are the same all over.

They promise to build a bridge, even where there is no river.

 

Nikita Khrushchev

 

 

 

When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could

Become President.

I'm beginning to believe it.

 

Clarence Darrow

 

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced:

Go into politics, and your opponents will do it for you.

 

 

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POLITICAL APHORISMS:

 

 

If God wanted us to vote...

He would have given us candidates.

 

Jay Leno

 

 

 

The problem with political jokes..

They get elected.

 

Henry Cate V11

 

 

We hang petty theives

And appoint the great ones to public office.

 

Aesop

 

 

If we got one-tenth of what is promised to us in 

These State of the Union speeches,

There wouldn"t be any inducement to go to heaven.

 

Will Rogers

 

 

 

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A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

 

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story." said the wise old Chinaman. 

 

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

 

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

 

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

 

Again, after a couple of blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming closer toward him faster and faster.

 

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay...

 

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

 

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

 

"Ahh, " said the owner, "You come back for story?"

 

"No sir, " said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat?"

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"America will never be destroyed from the outside.

 

If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves."

 

 

Abe Lincoln

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"When the People fear the Government, there is tyranny...

 

When the Government fears the people, there is Liberty."

 

 

 

Thomas Jefferson

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My Lutheran church wecomes all denominations...

 

But prefers 10s and 20s.. 

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Isrealis  have discovered the perfect crowd control...

 

Skunk spray !

 

Palestinians want to ban it, because it makes them feel 

de-graded !  Cat Surprised

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11 people , 10 men and one woman, were hanging from a helicopter on a rope waiting to be rescued. 

 

The rope wasn't strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave. Because, if not, they were all going to fall.

 

They weren't able to choose that person, until the  woman gave a very touching speech.

 

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general. She was used to making sacrifices with little in return.

 

As soon as she finished, all the men started clapping....... Smiley Wink

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A Jewish Grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming for a visit with his wife.

 

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK ?"

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?...

 

"What... you're coming empty handed?"  

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With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"No," said her husband.

 

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

 

She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

 


No, I haven't" said her hubby with an anxious tone in his voice.

 

With a seductive smile, she unzipped her skirt and let it drop to the floor and reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. 

 

He took the fifty dollar bill.

 

"Now," she Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"NO way!"  even more curious to what would happen next.

 

She replied, "Go look in the garage."    Cat Embarassed

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If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is 'cute', but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.... you might live in a nation founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

 

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones.... you might live in a nation founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

 

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys IPhones, time shares, a wall-sized plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage.... you might live in a nation founded by geniuses, but run by idiots.

 

 

       THINK BEFORE YOU VOTE !

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Have you ever wondered about the origin of April Fool's Day? Even though this is a silly and light-hearted holiday, it stems from a rather serious disagreement .

 

In ancient cultures, the New Year was celebrated on April 1st. , closely following the vernal equinox ( the first day of spring ) on either March 20th or 21st. But in 1582, Pope Gregory X111 ordered his new calendar ( Gregorian ) to take the place of the old ( Julian ) calendar. 

 

The new calendar designated New Year's Day being celebrated on January 1st. However, many people in France refused to honor the Gregorian calendar and said phooey on you ( or something like that ) and continued to celebrate New Year's Day on April 1st. 

 

Those that did follow the new calendar poked fun of these traditionalists and as a way of taunting them sent them on 'Fool's errands" or tried to trick them into believing something false.

 

 

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If, in the nations' largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24 ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat...you might live in a nation founded by geniuses, but run by idiots.

 

If an 80-year-old woman who is confined to a wheelchair or a three-year-old girl can be stripped-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched... you might live in a country found by geniuses but run by idiots.

 

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more... you might live in a country founded by geniuses, but run by idiots.

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By Jeff Foxworthy:

 

If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned, you might live in a nation ( state) that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots. WE DO LIVE IN SUCH A DUMB COUNTRY.

 

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally, you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but run by idiots.

 

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government... then light live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but run by idiots.

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A young man walked into the lingerie department at Macy's in N.Y He tells the saleslady that he want s Jewish bra for his wife , size 34 B.

 

With a quizzical look she asks him, "What kind of bra?"

 

He repeated, "A Jewish bra."

 

"Ah !  We don't get many requests for them. Most want the Catholic or Salvation Army bra. Or Presbyterian. "

 

Confused, the man asked,  "What is the difference?"

 

The sales lady responded, "It's really quite simple."

 

"The Catholic supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian keeps them staunch and upright."

 

He mused over that info for a minute and said, " I know I'll regret this, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

 

"Ah.. the Jewish bra, " she replied, "Make mountains out of mole hills." 

 

.

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The Greeks had one word for economize.

 

 

Our New England mothers had 12:

 

Eat it up...

 

Use it up...

 

Make it do..

 

Or do with out !

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