SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

BonnieC10 · ‎05-28-2016

YOU MIGHT BE A TRUE AMERICAN IF: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One Nation under God."

YOU MIGHT BE A TRUE AMERICAN IF: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

YOU MIGHT BE A TRUE AMERICAN IF: You still say, "CHRISTMAS' instead of "WINTER FESTIVAL."

YOU MIGHT BE A TRUE AMERICAN IF : You bow your head when someone prays.

YOU MIGHT BE A TRUE AMERICAN IF: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

YOU MIGHT BE A TRUE AMERICAN IF: You've never burned an American flag.

YOU MIGHT BE A TRUE AMERICAN IF: You respect your elders and expect your children to do the same.

BonnieC10 · ‎05-27-2016

HOME OF THE FREE

***

BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE !

ARMY NAVY AIR FORCE

MARINES

BonnieC10 · ‎05-26-2016

AL SHARPTON: " So, why are all the chickens white?"

Dr. Phil: " The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting on his current problems before adding any new problems."

OPRAH: " Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens."

ANDERSON COOPER: " We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not been allowed to have access to the other side of the road."

NANCY GRACE: " That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks."

BonnieC10 · ‎05-25-2016

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face says, "The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal."

Hillary: "You mean lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: " You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean threats to all of Bill's former mistresses, to keep them quiet?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

"Hillary: "I give up ! Oh wait.... I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china when Bill left office?"

Trump: "That's it ! I almost forgot about that one."

BonnieC10 · ‎05-24-2016

A husband was angry when he found out his wife had been cheating on him.

He shouted, "I will play second fiddle to no one !"

The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute, you're lucky you are still in the band ! "

BonnieC10 · ‎05-23-2016

SIX BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD :

1. Sunlight

2. Rest

3. Exercise

4. Diet

5. Self confidence

6. Friends

BonnieC10 · ‎05-21-2016

REMEMBER

It's the SOLDIER, not the reporter, who gives you freedom of the press..

It's the SOLDIER, not the poet, who gives you freedom of speech,,

It's the SOLDIER, not the organizer, who allows you to demonstrate...

It's the SOLDIER, who salutes the flag, whose coffin is draped with the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag !!

THANK YOU to all the SOLDIERS and their families for their sacrifices.

*******************************************************************************************

BonnieC10 · ‎05-21-2016

As we grow older and wiser we realize that a $300 or $30 watch tells the same time..

Whether we carry a $300 or $30 handbag/wallet the amount of money inside is the same.

Whether we drink a bottle of $300,$30, or $3 wine.... the hangover is the same.

Whether we live in a 300 or 3,000 or 30,000 sq. ft. house... the loneliness is the same.

Whether we fly first class or economy, the plane reaches its destination and we all arrive at the same time.

And we realize that our happiness doesn't come from the material things of this world.

Therefore we should realize that when we have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers, sisters, with whom we can chat,laugh, talk, sing etc. That is true happiness !

BonnieC10 · ‎05-20-2016

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to change, even though there was no on-coming traffic.

An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 911" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "ALLAH AKBAR! PRAISE ALLAH! DEATH TO AMERICA" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man that could have been me!"

So, today I went out and got a job as a truck driver!

BonnieC10 · ‎05-19-2016

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me."

"We're the same age, we were the same size as kids, I just don't get it."

"Well" said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you." replied the small Croc.

"Hmmmm, where do you get them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here... hmmmm How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door."

"Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the S--- out of them and eat 'em."

"AH!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem." You're not getting any real nourishment."

"See, by the time you finish shaking the s--- out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a-- hole and a briefcase .

BonnieC10 · ‎05-18-2016

Remember the hilarious responses from the Hollywood Squares panel?

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or false A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You're having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's keeping me awake!

Q. As you grow older, do you gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

BonnieC10 · ‎05-17-2016

I stayed in a ritzy hotel recently.

The towels were so thick and plush I could

Hardly get my suitcase shut...

BonnieC10 · ‎05-13-2016

A hooker once told me she had a headache...

If it weren't for pickpockets , I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"

She said, "No, I hate myself now!"

I knew a girl so ugly..... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

BonnieC10 · ‎05-12-2016

WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD

With my old man I got no respect, I asked him "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff...

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough enough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phones me and said, " Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

BonnieC10 · ‎05-11-2016

The recession has hit everyone really hard....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil in the USA laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of coins while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife..

If the bank reutrns your check marked 'insufficient funds' , you call them and ask if they meant you or them...

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Anjelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hilliary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in LasVegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called the Suicide hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck..

BonnieC10 · ‎05-10-2016

What deep thinkers retrired men are.....

I pondered an old age question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how would they know?

Well, after a beer, and some heavy thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "You know, I think I would like to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in the hammock.

BonnieC10 · ‎05-09-2016

`1 Once all villagers decided to pray for rain.. On the day of prayer all people gathered, but only one little boy brought an umbrella..

That's FAITH

2. When you throw babies in the air,

they laugh because they know you will catch them.

That's TRUST

3. Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but we still set the alarm to wake up.

That's HOPE

4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE

5. We see the world suffering, but still get married and have children.

That's LOVE

6. On an old man's shirt was written a sentence...

"I am not 80 years old, I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience".

That's ATTITUDE

Have a happy day and live your life like the six stories.

BonnieC10 · ‎05-08-2016

M is for the million things she gave me...

O is only that she's growing old...

T is for the tears she shed to save me..

H is for her heart of purest gold..

E is for her eyes with love light shining..

R is right, and right she'll always be, put them all together they spell MOTHER , a word that means the world to me.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

BonnieC10 · ‎05-07-2016

Just for this morning I will leave the dishes in the sink , and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together...

Just for this morning I will step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to the park to play...

Just for this afternoon I will not yell even once , not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by....

Just for this afternoon I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles...

Just for this evening I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you...

Just for this evening I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry...

Just for this evening I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count stars...

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mother and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in the hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and and screaming inside they can't handle it anymore...

When I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day...

MICHAEL, BRIAN AND DARREN I love you with all my heart. ♥♥♥

BonnieC10 · ‎05-06-2016

Why did God make Moms:

Answered by elementary school age children

1.She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.Mostly to clean the house.

3.To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make Moms:

1. He used dirt like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of string.

3. God made Mom just like he made me, He just used bigger parts.

BonnieC10 · ‎05-05-2016

We had this great old cat named Jack that died recently..

Jack was a great cat and the kids would actually carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered hi. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids, and at the time of this story, they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it... He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and how he could sue it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. Mt two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box, I am trying to nurse my little one and at the same time put on my makeup. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood...

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded into the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's....rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said, "Chapped".. Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right...their little butts do look pretty chapped. And frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth...

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

May the wind be at your back, the sun on your face, and the love of God in your heart in your daily life.

BonnieC10 · ‎05-04-2016

10 MEANEST MOVIE MOTHERS

1. JOAN CRAWFORD...............................MOMMY DEAREST

2. PIPER LAURIE.......................................CARRIE

3. ANN BANCROFT.................................. THE GRADUATE

4. ANGELICA HUSTON............................ THE GRIFTERS

5. ANGELA LANSBURY........................... MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE

6. MARY TYLER MOORE........................ ORDINARY PEOPLE

7. ANTHONY PERKINS MOTHER.......... PSYCHO

8. ALBERTA WATSON.............................. SPANKING THE MONKEY

9. KATHERINE HEPBURN...................... SUDDENLY LAST SUMMER

10. DIANNE LADD....................................... WILD AT HEART

BonnieC10 · ‎05-04-2016

10 MEANEST MOVIE MOTHERS

1. JOAN CRAWFORD...............................MOMMY DEAREST

2. PIPER LAURIE.......................................CARRIE

3. ANN BANCROFT.................................. THE GRADUATE

4. ANGELICA HUSTON............................ THE GRIFTERS

5. ANGELA LANSBURY........................... MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE

6. MARY TYLER MOORE........................ ORDINARY PEOPLE

7. ANTHONY PERKINS' MOTHER.......... PSYCHO

8. ALBERTA WATSON.............................. SPANKING THE MONKEY

9. KATHERINE HEPBURN...................... SUDDENLY LAST SUMMER

10. DIANNE LADD....................................... WILD AT HEART

BonnieC10 · ‎05-03-2016

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When re-opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the grave yard all night ( the grave yard shift) to listen for the bell;

Thus, someone could be 'saved by the bell' or was considered a 'dead ringer'.

Now, whoever said history was boring!!!

BonnieC10 · ‎05-02-2016

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and 'chew the fat.'

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Foods with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status...

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests fo the top, or the 'upper crust.'

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days...

Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple od days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom... "Holding a wake."

BonnieC10 · ‎05-01-2016

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt Poor". The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh ( straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence, "A thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite some time.

Hence the rhyme:

"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

cont

BonnieC10 · ‎04-30-2016

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all cats and other small animals ( mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

BonnieC10 · ‎04-29-2016

Here are some facts about the 1500's:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May.

And they still smelled pretty good by June...However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the rpiviledge of nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it...

Hence, the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water !"

BonnieC10 · ‎04-29-2016

Here are some facts about the 1500's:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May.

And they still smelled pretty good by June...However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the rpiviledge of nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it...

Hence, the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water !"