SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

Billy died..... His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the guests departed, his wife turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Billy would have been pleased."

"I'm sure," said her friend, "But how much did it really cost?"

"All $30,000." his wife replied. "NO! Really?" ...

His wife said, "The funeral was $6,500, I donated $ 500 to the church, the food and drinks were $500, and the rest went to a memorial stone."

"$23,500 for a memorial stone !... MY God, how big is it?"

His wife answered,......   "2 1/2 carats."   

[BonnieC10]

During a commercial airline flight , an exAirForce pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began to cry during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young woman expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "That's a good looking baby and he sure was hungry."

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that nursing helped alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The AirForce pilot sadly shook his head and said,"And all these years , I've been blowing my nose and chewing gum!!"

[BonnieC10]

HENNY YOUNGMAN SAYS:

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas . She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

[BonnieC10]

Two Rednecks go into a pastry shop. One whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightening speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The first guy says to the second, "See how clever we Rednecks are? "

The second guy says, "You can never beat that!" The first Redneck says, "Watch this..".  he says to the baker, " Give me a cookie , I'll show you a magic trick." He quickly eats the cookie. He then repeats the process three times.

Now the Baker is really mad, and he yells "Where is your magic trick?"

The Redneck says, "Look in his pocket."

[BonnieC10]

Are you Polish?  Okay, I'll speak slowly.

How do Polish people spell farm?   E-I-E-I-O....

Polish man in a helicopter . Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan."

[BonnieC10]

A little man is running a jewelry store. A customer runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door.

The little jeweler says, "C-C-C- Come in?"

[BonnieC10]

                           HE SAID/SHE SAID

He said ....."I don't know why you wear  a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...  "You wear pants don't you?"

He said....  "Why are married women heavier than single women?"

She said.... "Single women come home , see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in,the  bed and go to the fridge." 

[BonnieC10]

I'VE LEARNED THAT PLEASING EVERYONE IS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT PISSING EVERYONE OFF IS A PIECE OF CAKE.  : )

I'd just come out of a deli with a big roast beef sandwich, when a homeless man approached me and said, " I haven't eaten in two days."  ....... So I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

 A fat girl served me at McDonald's . She said "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually."

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he asked,"Any change?" .....I said, "Nope, you're still black."

*   KEEP A SMILE ON YOUR FACE

    AND A SONG IN YOUR HEART

    AND YOU'LL BE OKAY    ♥

[BonnieC10]

DID YOU KNOW....

The rarest coffee is Kopi Luwak from Indonesia and

sells for $300 a pound !

The human mind is 10 times more creative at night than in the

morning or afternoon.

Deep breathing gives you health benefits

similar to aerobics.

Space dust tastes like raspberries,

and smells like rum.

There is a temple in Sri Lanka , dedicated to...

a tooth of the Budda.

[BonnieC10]

A BIG WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST MEMBERS:

STEPHEN BUSHI

SUEGMORALES

DLOUISE9

JERE29MIAH

A businessman got onto an elevator and sees it already had a beautiful blonde passenger.

She greeted him with , " T-G-I-F".

He smiled and responded with, " S-H-I-T"

She replied once again, "T_G_I-F".

He responded,...."S-H- I - T !"

She explained, " It means, Thank God It's Friday".. Duhhh!!

The man answers, " Mine means, SORRY HONEY IT'S THURSDAY" duhhhh......

[BonnieC10]

Sometimes the easiest way to get your hubby to do something ,

Is to simply suggest that he's just too old to do it anymore.

Middle age is when you still believe you're gonna feel better in

the morning...

You know you're old when your walker has an air bag!

Phyllis Diller

His finest hour, lasted a minute and a half.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties,

is looking for a job the next day. 

My photos don't do me justice...

they look just like me.!

I asked a waiter ," Is this milk fresh?"

He said, "Lady , 3hours ago it was grass."

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

Thursday  morning  tidbits:

"Always  be  sincere with people,

even if you don't mean it."

Joan Rivers

Ask Brittany Spears  a question, and she'll lip

sync the answer.

When you strut...

you  stumble.

CHINESE SAYING

An invisible thread

connects two people

who are destined

to meet.

[BonnieC10]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS.....

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all de kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburg:

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

( now isn't that beautiful?)

AH....BUT THEY RIDE TO THE BANK IN A MERCEDES... 

[BonnieC10]

I have a new girlfriend who must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says, "Tut,Tut !"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18-year-old hooker.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and i Chicago he's Ernest.

A man is at a bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way he falls down 3 times. When I get him home I help him out of the car, and on the way to his front door, he falls down another 4 times. I ring the bell nd say, "Here's your husband."

The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair??"

HENNY YOUNGMAN JOKES

[BonnieC10]

When I was little, I didn't care how I got dressed. My mother took care of that.

But now, when I look at my old photos, I think mom didn't care either.

I hope we're friends until we die...

Then we'll be ghost friends who walk through walls, and scare the sh-- out of people.

REASON TO SMILE....

Every 7 minutes of every day , someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies...

Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"

Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."  : (

[BonnieC10]

MAXINE SAYS :

I read recipies the same way I read science fiction.

I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen!"

There's a certain age where you can no longer use the term, "Good girl gone bad."

It's more like:

"Her old a$$ should know better."

[BonnieC10]

Terriost activity has caused the Democrats to take measures in order to protect thier candidate for the 2016 Presidency.

For security reasons, they have suggested that Hillary have a Muslim name....

So, from now on, please refer to her by her new name:

                     'SELDOM BIN LAYED'

[BonnieC10]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, Wa. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splender of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go to the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"  He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the EPA, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility . I'm sorry, but due to Obama-care...they turned you down.

 

[BonnieC10]

T'was the nite before school started......

When all through the town...

The parents were cheering,

It was a riotous sound.

By eight the kids were washed and in bed,

When memories of homework,

filled them with dread.

New pencils, new folders, new notebooks too !

New teachers, new friends...

Their anxiety grew.

The parents just giggled

When they learned of this fright...

They shouted upstairs....

"GO TO BED......IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT !"    

[BonnieC10]

POLISH JOKES:

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle?

One piece.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? He's the one with the Easter basket.

A Polish man bought abra for a pet. What does he call the zebra?

Spot.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces.....

What happened?

They were bobbing for french fries.

[BonnieC10]

                            A LITTLE JEWISH HUMOR

Two Jewish women in New York. One says "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back , I don't see anything."

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, " Yes," and walked away.

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.....

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

They want to.

[BonnieC10]

                             HAPPY LABOR DAY TO ALL !!

A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO :

Stephenbushi

Suegmorales

[BonnieC10]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. When he asked about his bill, the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank-you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at the door.

Later, a cop came in and was also told his money could not be accepted. The next morning when the barber went to open the shop, there was a 'thank-you' note and a dozen donuts.

When a Congressman came in for a haircut, and was told there was no charge, he happily left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open his shop, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up for a free haircut.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON !  

[BonnieC10]

                                        JOB JOKES

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodes, just heads.

[BonnieC10]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig!

"Well, whatcha gonna about it?" he says, as I burst into tears.

"Come on , man, " the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life." I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and got fired. When I went to the parking lot , I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came in here to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a jack-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!

[BonnieC10]

After a tiring day at the office, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him, pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice. "Hi sweetie, it's Barb. I'm on train. Yes, I know I'm late, my meeting lasted longer than usual. No, not with Kevin from accounting, it was with the boss. No sweetie, I'm sure. Cross my heart. "

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man next to her had had enough, he leaned over and said into  her phone, "Barb , hang up and come back to bed!"

Barb doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

[BonnieC10]

A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST MEMBERS  !!!

Rabbitfeet21greatgma

Indybelle

[BonnieC10]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS (CONT.)

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By  Bill Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

By  Bill Gates

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

By Amelia Earhart

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

By Dennis Rodman

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

By  Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

By  Mike Tyson

[BonnieC10]

                              WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

Hillary Clinton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

Jane Fonda

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

Tiger Woods

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

Barack Obama

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE SAFELY

Ted Kennedy

[BonnieC10]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries , the cashier said, " Strip down facing me" ....  Making a mental note so I could complain to the local assemblyman about the running amok security rubbish, I did as I was told.

After the shreiking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card!