AARP Hearing Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An elderly couple, Lucy and John, were recently attending church services .
About half way through the service, Lucy took out a pen and wrote a note and handed it to John. The note said:
"I just let out a 'silent fart', what should I do?"
John scribbled back.......
"Put a new battery in your hearing aid." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Maxine says......
"The Super Bowl charges 4 million dollars for a 30 second spot. Who so they think they are lawyers?" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
HAPPY GROUND HOG DAY !
He didn't see his shadow, so that means an early spring... 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, groceries are heavier. And everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our streets have become!
Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be, Everyone drives so fast these days ! All I can say is their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror...
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days too. The dresses that were once labeled 10 or 12, is now 18 or 20 !
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Who do they think they are kidding?
The telephone company is in on it too they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there !
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK ! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A Baptist minister was presenting a children's sermon. During the service, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. A little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said.........
"I know if you have a resurrection that lasts 4 hours, you're supposed to call the doctor."
It took over 10 minutes for the congregation to settle down from laughing. Now who says TV isn't educational?
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes...
Suddenly she stopped and starred at the ground..he went over to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. She said, "Daddy, what are those spiders doing?... "They are mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" She asked. "A Daddy Long Legs" he replied. "So... the other one is a "Mommy Long Legs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with joy at such a cute and innocent question, he replied. "No, dear. Both of them are Daddy Long Legs."
The little girl looked puzzled, thought about it for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat !
"Well," she said, "That may be okay in California, but we're not having any of that s--- in Texas !!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday,Friday,or Sunday?
ans:
Sure you can name 3 consecutive days....yesterday,today and tomorrow.. 
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still might not find anything odd.
ans:
The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
5 GENE SHARPENING RIDDLES FOR YOUR BRAIN:
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in three years. Which room is safest for him?
ans: 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An oldie but a goodie.....
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when a young teenage girl got caught in the blizzard.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get caught in a snow drift.
This made her feel better, and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said she was fine, and told him of her father's advice.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot, and was going over to Sears.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
To all of my best friends and relatives who have sent me Best Wishes, chain letters or other promises of good luck, none of that sh-- worked !!
Could you please just send cash,vodka,chocolate, Italian food, wine or airline tickets instead?
Thank you !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
AUTUMN YEARS DATING AGENCY
Receptionist to elderly lady:
"It says here that you'd prefer someone with regular bowl movements.... does it matter if they're involuntary?"
I'm getting so old, that all my friends in heaven will think I didn't make it.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran ! 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What??"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
80-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Any one who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks for a minute and says, "Close enough." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO ALL OF OUR NEW MEMBERS !
Please feel free to share a joke with us. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
REDNECK LOVE POEM
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal...
You'll haf to find another..
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said , "There's trouble still."
You can't marry Will my gal,
And please don't tell yo' Mother...
But Will and Joe and several mo...
I know is yo half brother.
But Mama knew and said, "My child..
Just do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will, or marry Joe..
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around, when she hollored to Pa. "You need to go out and fix the outhouse." Pa replied, "Ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells again, "Yes there is, go fix it !"
Pa goes out and sees nothing wrong, looks around and yells, "There ain't nothin' wrong! Ma says, "Stick your head in the hole."....
Pa yells, "I ain't stickin' my head in that hole !"...
Ma says, "Ya haf ta to see what to fix."...
So Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells, "Ma ! There ain't nothin' wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Okay, now take your head out of the hole..." Pa proceeds to pull his head out, then starts yelling... "Ma! Help! My beard is caught in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A young farm couple , Ole and Lena, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin' ....
In the morning , before Ole left the house for the fields, they made love. When Ole came back from the fields, they made love...and again at bedtime, they made love...
The problem was their 'nooner'. It took Ole a half hour to travel home, and another half an hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Ole asked the town doctor what to do.
"Ole", said the doctor, "Just take your rifle out to the field with you, and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Lena's signal to come to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried the Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Ole came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" , asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it vorked real good." said Ole. "Vhenever I vas in da mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Lena, she'd come a-runnin'. Ve'd find a secluded place, make love, and den she'd go back home again."
"Good,Ole.... so what 's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway, when he tripped and fell over the bridge and landed in a creek below.
By the time the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.
He was so greatful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The 1st kid said "I want to go to Disney World, and Barack said, No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes." Barack said, "I'll get them for you, and have Michael Jordan sign them."
The 3rd kid said, "I want a motorized wheel chair with a built in TV and stereo headset."
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look handicapped to me."
The kid said, "No, but I will be when my Dad finds out I saved your sorry a$$ from drowning!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Just got off the phone with a friend living up in Northern Maine. He said that since early this morning the snow was nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping to below zero, and the wind is increasing to gale force. HIs wife has been doing nothing but looking through the kitchen window...just staring...
He says if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
.png)
