AARP Eye Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
DARWIN AWARD NOMINEE
Mike Anderson Godwin made "News of the Weird" post humorously. He had spent several years awaiting So. Carolina's electric chair for a murder conviction. Before having his sentence reduced to life in prison, while sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted ! 
In Response to Witticisms and Profundities by Hal
Quietly, on the eve of our 50th anniversary, I confided to my husband that I was having an affair...
He turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
THAT my friend is old !! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by Judy654417
My one day employment
By Maxine
After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good job for many retirees, I lasted less than one day....
I was about two hours into my first day on the job, when a loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, "Welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say," Hell no they ain't twins! The oldest is 8, and the other ones 7 ! Why the hell would you think they were twins? Are you blind or stupid?? "
I replied, "I'm neither blind or stupid ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you two times. You have a good day and thanks for shopping at Walmart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by curious347
WELCOME CURIOUS ! This one's for you.....
After being married for 40 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly and said, "You're ABCDEFGHIJK.."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, beautiful,cute,delightful,elegant,foxy,gorgeous,and hot."
She smiled, "Oh, that's so lovely...what about JKI?"
He said, "I'm just kidding."
HIs eye's still swollen, but it will get better. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
OVER QUALIFIED
A woman applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove, and seemed to be too qualified for the job given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman said, "Have you had any actual experience picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact I have ," she said. "I've been divorced three times... I owned two Chryslers, and I voted for Obama." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Bonnie I love it lol ๐
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked why such a price for a politician? 
got that 1 right-
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling a little hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
TOURIST.................................. $5.00
BROILED MISSIONARY.......... $ 10.00
FRIED EXPLORER................... $ 15.00
BAKED DEM. OR REP............ $ 100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked why such a price for a politician?
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh-- it takes all day !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Smilin' is infectious,
You catch it like the flu...
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smilin' too!
I passed around a corner,
And someone saw my grin...
When he smiled, I realized I'd passed it
On to him..
I thought about that smile
Then realized its' worth...
A single smile just like the flu
could travel around the earth!
So if you feel a smile begin,
Don't leave it undetected...
Let's start an epidemic.
And get everyone infected.. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
WARN ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys......
Rum and ice will ruin your liver......
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.......
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart......
Coke and ice will ruin your teeth......
Apparently ice is lethal ! Lay off the ice.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I pulled into a crowded parking lot at the mall, and rolled down my window to make sure my Lab puppy had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat. I walked to the curb and pointed my finger at the car and said, "Now you stay! Do you hear me? Stay!Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde lady, gave me a strange look and then said, "Why don't you just put it in park?" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MY FIRST CONDOM...
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go into a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, not really."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.Apparently I still looked confused.. So she looked around the store to see if it was empty. "Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me to the back room....
Well I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open. She told me to slip the condom on, and said, "Hurry, we don't have much time."
It was wonderful, but unfortunately I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, it only took a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put the condom on?" she asked, I said," sure did.... and held up my thumb to show her....
She then beat the sh-- out of me ! Women have always been hard for me to figure out.. 
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