AARP Hearing Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
He said to me..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him..... You wear pants don't you? 
He said to me....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him........ That's a good idea, you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing.
He said to me........ What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him........ Turn sideways and look in the mirror !
He said to me......... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him........ They don't have time.
He said to me...... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him....... I don't know, it's never happened.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Two Irish nuns 
I just about didn't get sign in 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Two Irish nuns had just arrived in the USA by boat. The first one says to the other, "I've heard they eat dogs in this country."
"Well," said the second nun, "If we're going to live here, we may as well do as the Americans do."
They hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get 'em here." So they both walk over to the vendor. "Two please," they say apprehensively.
They are given two hot dogs wrapped in foil . They find a bench, sit and begin to unwrap their hotdogs. The Mother Superior begins to blush....
She turns to the second nun and asks, "What part did you get?" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot...
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but your hoohaa-schlong was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on. "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new one. They work great, but do not come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man preks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife."
The man agreed to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken to your wife?"
"Yes," says the husband.
"We're getting granite countertops." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two working girls and take them home to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to perform and his depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room he hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again 1-2-3- ugh!" all night long....
The next morning the 2nd dwarf asks the first "How did it go ?" The first mutters "It was embarrassing . I just couldn't perform."
The second shook his head, "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get up on the bed!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Sitting in the first row at a baseball game, with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the President.
Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request from the owner of the team down to the bat boy, and the fans would love it !"
So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want...He gets up and grabs Michelle by the collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking and screaming and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right. I would never have believed that!"
Then noticing that the agent had gone totally pale, Barack asks, "What's wrong?"
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH !"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I caught a stray parrot on my porch this a.m. All he says is, "Good morning you old sh--!"
Is he yours?
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Welcome Peonie !
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting to be the time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession...
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went to the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..
1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whiskey
4. A Playboy magazine..
"I'll just hide behind the door and when he comes home I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be.
If it's the silver dollar, he'll be a business man and that's okay.
If it's the whiskey, he'll be a no good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a skirt -chasing womanizer!
The old man waited patiently and soon heard his son's footsteps approaching.
The boy tossed his books on the bed and spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over, picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold...
"Lord have mercy!" the old preacher whispered,
"He's gonna run for Congress!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
There was a knock at the door this morning> I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said, "Come on in and sit down."
I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the crap out of me, I've never gotten this far before..." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Maxine says:
"The economy is so bad, Brad & Angelina have fired their nannies and are trying to learn the names of their own children .. "
"The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressman." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
This is great and should also be posted on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, etc. People need to start to think
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2
MAXINE says:
The only thing I stir up in the kitchen is trouble!
If you can't stand the heat, go to my kitchen. It's a safe bet I won't be cooking.
I read recipes the same way I read Science Fiction... I get to the end and think, " Well, THAT'S not gonna happen ! "
Recipes are like dating services. They never end up looking like the pictures.
There should be a support group for women who can't put their dishes in the dishwasher dirty.
If it fits in the toaster, I can cook it.
The only thing domestic about me is that I live indoors.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Welcome "Closetbird" ! 
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 93.68%.
It's called "Wedding Cake".
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
That's Maxine for you," One nation UNDER GOD ..."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MAXINE SAYS:
It's..... " One nation UNDER GOD ..."
or bite my skinny old ass and leave!
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
After a visit to a whore house, a man notices green bumps on his willy...
"That's serious", says the doctor.
"You know how wrestlers get 'cauliflower ears" ?
"Yes," says the man seriously.
"Well, " says the doctor, "You've got brothel sprouts." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Welcome Cybermac ! This one's for you.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.....
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "Doc, look at this engine. I open it's heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when finished, it works just like new. So how come I make "$39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ( $1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic....
"Try doing it with the engine running....."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi
libbyoi
Two young businessmen in Florida were (Only two left.") thanks~ love it 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
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