AARP Hearing Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I just got off the phone with a friend in No. Dakota. He said that since early this morning, it's been snowing and it's nearly waist high and still falling.
The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is picking up dramatically.
His wife has done nothing but peer through the kitchen window. He says if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.....
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.
"Oh, no.. I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes." the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A little Mexican maid asked for a pay incress $$ 
a good one lol
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A little Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, " Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: " Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase."
"The first, is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: " The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: " Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: " Jor huzband did."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh, he did did he?"
Maria: " The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No, Senora....The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Maxine says:
"I don't make snowmen . If I'd wanted to hang around with a cold man with slush for brains, I'd still be married."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
"Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house..
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales, there arose such a number...
When I walked to the store, (less a walk than a lumber)
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared..
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The cakes and the pies, the bread and the cheese..
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my X-husband's old shirt...
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can..
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like, must be banished...
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick..
I'll only chew on a celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,cornbread, or pie...
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly try..
I'm hungry , I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot...
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all, and to all a good diet ! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Stimulus is working....I think everyone should lighten up on Obama. Why, just a little over a month ago he got jobs for 63 Republicans.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Last New Years Eve the wife and I decided to stay home and watch TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel...
She became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake ! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
It's winter in Virginia..
And the gentle breezes blow..
70 MPH and 52 below!
Oh how I love Virginia..
When the ice 's up to your butt...
You take a breath of winter air..
And your nose is frozen shut!
Yes, the winter there is wonderful..
You may think I'm a fool..
I could never leave Virginia....
"Cause I'm frozen to the stool !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
"Twas the day after Christmas
And all through the house...
Were ribbons and Barbies,
And Mickey the Mouse.
The kids were up early,
To play with their loot..
Mom and Dad were too tired
To give half a hoot!
They slumbered exhausted,
Til well half-past eight..
When the children, who now
Could no longer wait.
Pounced on their parents,
With giggles and whoops..
And coaxed them to rise,
And serve them Fruit Loops.
The scene that greeted poor
Mom's sleepy head,
Almost convinced her
To go back to bed!
Empty glasses still sat
On the tables and shelves,
Where the guests had left them,
"Ere leaving themselves.
The plates and the pans were all
Snug in the sink,
Waiting for cleanup,
Much later, I think.
The dog and the cat
Were gobbling the scraps,
That had tumbled from
Grandpa's and the kids' laps.
There was paper and chaos,
From wall to wall.
With boxes and bags that
Came from the mall.
After breakfast, the cleanup
Began with a flurry...
For more guests were coming
Today, hence the hurry.
Each paper and box
Was checked 'mid the dash,
For parts before tossing
The debris in the trash.
While Mom ran the vacuum
Dad bravely tried,
To assemble some toys,
From directions supplied.
The work, it went smoothly,
With many false starts...
The directions were vague.
And missing some parts.
For Dad, though quite clever..
And highly enthused..
Was no match for instructions
That merely confused.
Frustrated, he tossed
The instructions aside..
And figured it out
On his own, with some pride.
For it seems that the only
Words not confusing...
Said, "Made in China"
(Which was not amusing)!
Later that day, other friends
Came a-calling....
Leaving more dishes,
The mess was appalling.
And so it continued,
"Til New Year's Eve 's bliss..
When the grownups relaxed
With drink and a kiss.
Now the Season was over,
Calm reigned once again...
And they swore to each other..
"Next year we'll stay sane!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A recent joint study conducted by the Dept. of Health lol
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Please take care of yourself this Christmas.
A recent joint study conducted by the Dept. of Health and the Dept. of Motor Vehicles, indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a$$holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and other 'normal' sh--!
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
ADVICE FOR CHRISTMAS
Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles, indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a$$holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water and other 'normal' sh-- !
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MAXINE SAYS:
"Homemade gifts are the perfect way to say, "I've got lots more time than money."
"Never look a gift horse in the mouth, and don't get too close to the other end either."
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL....
AND A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR !!
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MERRY CHRISTMAS to all
My neighbors say~ Feliz Navidad(Spanish)
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Maxine says:
"Christmas is just plain weird...What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room, and eat candy out of your socks?"
In Response to SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by JanieB
JanieB.... MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Maxine says:
"I don't really wanna know what that is frozen into guys' mustaches this time of year.."
"I wish I may, I wish I might...
Find Mel Gibson in my stocking
tonight.
"This year I'm not planning to watch any holiday parades...
NAhhhh..I'm just gonna eat so much fudge that I become my own float."
MERRY STINKING CHRISTMAS!
"I downloaded AARP Perks to assist in staying connected and never missing out on a discount!" -LeeshaD341679
