AARP Hearing Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MAXINE SAYS:
"My idea of a super bowl, is a toilet that cleans itself!" 
My Father is a Stripper in a Gay Bar
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up --fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman,doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet,so when the teacher prodded him about his father,he finally replied,'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a Gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,hurriedly set the otherchildren to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,'Is that really true about your father?'
'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth . "Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with a frog in it's mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I had a problem, how to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in it's mouth..
Life is good in the South !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, it smelled wonderful!
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah, senior, you have excellent taste! Those are called, Conjones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day, because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senior, but sometimes the bull wins." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates:
1/1/11... 1/11/11.....11/1/11... 11/11/11...
Now...take the last 2 digits of the year you were born , PLUS the age you will be this year... and together it will total..... 111 ! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
APPLE DOES IT AGAIN !
Apple announced that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music..
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on the cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A new Kroeger supermarket opened in Macomb, Michigan.
It has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk case, you hear cows moo and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay...
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of Miller Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizng smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
WELCOME ... all members new and old. Please feel free to post a joke of your own. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life...
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At stratigic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times that her husband finally asks.
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-E-S," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God ! I thought you were sitting on the cat!"
He never heard the gunshot.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
PRAYER FOR THE NEW YEAR
Dear God.....
For 2011 all I ask for is a big fat bank account, and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year!
Thank you God ! 
In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A former Infantry Soldier, having served his time with the Army, took a new job as a school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of school, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Soldier, were leery of him, and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk...
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled it to this chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that year....
WARNING....
Thought I'd better warn you. I just got scammed out of $25.
Bought the Tiger Woods DVD "My Favorite 18 Holes."
Turns out it's about golf......
Absolute waste of money.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Bonnie- An American Indian you smarty you got me on this one/ I'm sending a copy to Jim---lol
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down..
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a !" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town,he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-a-a-a" " and rode off.
What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered, "I merely sat behind him on the horse. Put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Let's just offend EVERYONE !
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for two days."
I told him, "I wish I had your #%! ing will power!"
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Don't worry fatty, your bound to lose it eventually."
Snow is in the forecast. The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself..."Fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new chat up line that works every time...It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes. "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Bonnie thanks
profile photo this is what an old gal LOOKS like
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MIRROR, MIRROR SHINY GLASS.......
TELL ME THAT IS NOT MY A$$ !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Do not argue with an idiot...
he'll drag you down to his level,
and beat you with experience.
"I downloaded AARP Perks to assist in staying connected and never missing out on a discount!" -LeeshaD341679
