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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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"A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country."

 

Tex Guinan

 

 

"I have come to the conclussion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians."

 

Charles de Gaulle

 

 

Instead of giving politicians the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 562 of 2,648

JOHN McCAIN :      My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

 

 

GEORGE W. BUSH :   We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

JOHN KERRY :     Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was mislead about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

 

AL SHARPTON :     Why are all the chickens white?

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guiness on tap.

 

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish Whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

 

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

 

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

 

He replies, "Get out, you **bleep**, you're on my side!" 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 564 of 2,648

An old man walks into the dentists' office and has a very bad tooth ache.

The dentist calls him back into the room and checks out the tooth.

The dentist tells him I'll have to pull it out, it's too far gone to fix.

 

The dentist gets the novocaine and the patient tells him, "I can't take that I am allergic to it" .... so the dentist pulls out the laughing gas..

The patient says, "I can't have that either, I'm allergic to it!"

 

So the dentist , getting mad now, leaves the room... he comes back and hands the guy two pills to take.

 

The patient takes the pills....  then asks the dentist, "What were those pills?"

 

The dentist looks st him and says they were Viagra...

 

The patient says, "Viagra ?????   the dentist says... "Sure is,

you are going to need something to hang onto while I pull that tooth !"

 

 

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Message 565 of 2,648

This morning I signed my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eliglble to draw welfare. "  So, I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and have no friggin' idea who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, and provide them with housing and medical care. 

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.....

 

My dogs get their first check Friday.

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 566 of 2,648

                              WAYS YOU CAN TELL IT'S SPRING IN MAINE

 

 

10.      Pickup trucks start plunging to the bottom of the ponds.

 

 9.       Enough snow has melted that you can see the appliances in your backyard.

 

 8.      You're finally able to wax what's left of your salt-riddled car.

 

 7.      Football fans think Patriot's Day is in honor of the team.

 

 6.     Your neighbor takes down her Christmas wreath.

 

 5.     You take the snowplow off the truck so that your daughter looks real 'Lady-like' when she picks up her prom date.

 

 4.     Hannaford takes the snow tires off it's grocery carts.

 

 3.     The oil man only comes once a week.

 

 2.     Women no longer wear snowmobile boots with their dresses.

 

 1.     You can finally see the yellow lines on the road and discover that you've been driving on the wrong side all winter.

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 567 of 2,648

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

An Airline employee asked him if he was homesick already.

 

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

 

"How'd that happen ?"

 

"The cork fell out." said the Irishman. Smiley Sad

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 568 of 2,648

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

An Airline employee asked him if he was homesick already.

 

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

 

"How'd that happen ?"

 

"The cork fell out." said the Irishman. Smiley Sad

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" MAY THE ROAD RISE TO MEET YOU. MAY THE WIND ALWAYS BE AT YOUR BACK. MAY THE WARM SUN SHINE UPON YOUR FACE, THE RAINS FALL SOFT UPON YOUR FIELDS AND, UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, MAY GOD HOLD YOU IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND." 

 

 

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY TO ALL ~

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 570 of 2,648

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died...

 

He quickly phones his best friend, Finney.

 

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died !! "

 

"Yes, I saw it !" replied Finney. 


Where are ye callin' from?"

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