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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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              H AY

 

            ER

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Have yourself a simple, little Easter celebration....

 

First, head out to your barn to select 500 of the highest-quality eggs from the prize-winning chickens you've been raising.

 

Then decorate each one with a fun variety of vrightly-colored dyes made from fresh berries you picked yourself.

 

Take a quick trip to Switzerland to get about 250 lbs. of the best chocolate and carve yourself an 8-ft. tall Bunny as a table centerpiece.

 

Adorn your Easter table with 1,750 fresh tulips you picked from your garden, then prepare a sumptuous 12-course Easter feast for 3,500 of your closest and dearest friends.

 

Then, break for lunch...

 

                              

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An Irishman moves into  a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into a pub and orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he promptly drinks at a quiet table alone.

 

An hour later, the man orders three more.

 

This happens yet again. The next evening the man orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.

 

Soon the entire town is whispering about 'The man Who Orders Three Beers."

 

One day it is explained that the man has two brothers, one in Australia, and the other in America. "We promised each other we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond."

 

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers....

 

The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening; he orders only two at a time. The word gets around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

 

The bartender says to the man, " Folks would like to extend their condolences for the death of your brother..You know, the two beers and all....

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies. 
"You'll be happy to know that my two borthers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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"A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country."

 

Tex Guinan

 

 

"I have come to the conclussion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians."

 

Charles de Gaulle

 

 

Instead of giving politicians the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

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JOHN McCAIN :      My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

 

 

GEORGE W. BUSH :   We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

JOHN KERRY :     Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was mislead about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

 

AL SHARPTON :     Why are all the chickens white?

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I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guiness on tap.

 

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish Whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

 

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

 

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

 

He replies, "Get out, you **bleep**, you're on my side!" 

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An old man walks into the dentists' office and has a very bad tooth ache.

The dentist calls him back into the room and checks out the tooth.

The dentist tells him I'll have to pull it out, it's too far gone to fix.

 

The dentist gets the novocaine and the patient tells him, "I can't take that I am allergic to it" .... so the dentist pulls out the laughing gas..

The patient says, "I can't have that either, I'm allergic to it!"

 

So the dentist , getting mad now, leaves the room... he comes back and hands the guy two pills to take.

 

The patient takes the pills....  then asks the dentist, "What were those pills?"

 

The dentist looks st him and says they were Viagra...

 

The patient says, "Viagra ?????   the dentist says... "Sure is,

you are going to need something to hang onto while I pull that tooth !"

 

 

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This morning I signed my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eliglble to draw welfare. "  So, I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and have no friggin' idea who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, and provide them with housing and medical care. 

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.....

 

My dogs get their first check Friday.

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                              WAYS YOU CAN TELL IT'S SPRING IN MAINE

 

 

10.      Pickup trucks start plunging to the bottom of the ponds.

 

 9.       Enough snow has melted that you can see the appliances in your backyard.

 

 8.      You're finally able to wax what's left of your salt-riddled car.

 

 7.      Football fans think Patriot's Day is in honor of the team.

 

 6.     Your neighbor takes down her Christmas wreath.

 

 5.     You take the snowplow off the truck so that your daughter looks real 'Lady-like' when she picks up her prom date.

 

 4.     Hannaford takes the snow tires off it's grocery carts.

 

 3.     The oil man only comes once a week.

 

 2.     Women no longer wear snowmobile boots with their dresses.

 

 1.     You can finally see the yellow lines on the road and discover that you've been driving on the wrong side all winter.

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An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

An Airline employee asked him if he was homesick already.

 

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

 

"How'd that happen ?"

 

"The cork fell out." said the Irishman. Smiley Sad

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An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

An Airline employee asked him if he was homesick already.

 

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

 

"How'd that happen ?"

 

"The cork fell out." said the Irishman. Smiley Sad

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" MAY THE ROAD RISE TO MEET YOU. MAY THE WIND ALWAYS BE AT YOUR BACK. MAY THE WARM SUN SHINE UPON YOUR FACE, THE RAINS FALL SOFT UPON YOUR FIELDS AND, UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, MAY GOD HOLD YOU IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND." 

 

 

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY TO ALL ~

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died...

 

He quickly phones his best friend, Finney.

 

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died !! "

 

"Yes, I saw it !" replied Finney. 


Where are ye callin' from?"

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John O'Reilley hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife."

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

 

He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ya now... and what was your toast?"

 

John said, " Here's to spendng the rest of me life between the legs of me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the past four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

 

IMAGINE THAT.......

 

 

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WHEN A BOOK IS SO GOOD YOU'RE RUSHING TO FINISH IT, BUT DO NOT WANT IT TO END. 

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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker ( who happened to be the local Post Clerk ) to make proper 'final' arragements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

 

'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'

 

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker / the postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that she had requested. It became apparent that it was too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill her wishes in the very limited space available . 

 

For days he agonized over the dilemna . But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

 

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

 

 

                             ' RETURNED UNOPENED'

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What did Ted Kennedy say to Bill Clinton?

 

Ans:   What are you worried about? At least she's not dead.

 

 

 

How can you tell if you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?

 

Ans:  You've got  Big Mac sauce and French fries in your hair, and and Vernon Gorden is handling your job application.

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SATURDAY AUG 27. 2016

 

11:15 A.M.

 

Free lunch,medical marijuana, and bus ride to the Convention. Forms distributed for Food Stamps enrollment.

 

2:30 PM

 

Group voter Registration for Undocumented Immigrants.

 

4:00 PM

 

Opening Flag burning ceremony.

Sponsored by MSNBC

 

4:15 PM

 

Address on "Being the Real You"

Rachel Dolezal, former head of the Seattle NAACP and Caitlyn Jenner.

 

4:30 PM

 

"How to Bank $200 Million as a Public Servant and Claim to Be Broke" by Hillary Clinton

 

4:45 PM

 

How to have a successful career without ever having a job, and still avoid paying taxes...

A Seminar Moderated by Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

 

5:00 PM

 

Medals of Freedom presentation to Army deserter Bo Berghdal 

Baltimore Looters

 

5:30 PM

 

Invitation only...Autograph Session

souvenir photographs of Hillary and Chelsea dodging sniper fire in Bosnia.

 

5:45PM

 

What is the Affordable Care Act 

Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi.

 

6:00 PM

 

General vote on appraising Baltimore rioters, and on using the terminology "Alternative Shoppers" instead of "Looters".

 

7:30 PM

 

Announcement of VP Nominee Chris Stevens, with a quick rebuttal and withdrawal when Hillary realizes she got him killed in Benghazi.

 

8:30 PM

 

The White House "Semantics Committee" meeting. General vote on re-branching "Muslim Terrorism" as "Random Acts of Islamic OverExuberance."

 

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CHANGE IS NOT A PROCESS FOR THE IMPATIENT...

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What's a popular game for White House interns?

 

Ans:     Swallow the leader

 

 

What's Bill's idea of 'safe sex'?

 

Ans:   A locked door.

 

 

Clinton maintains he was not lying, ... ( he was standing and she was kneeling ).

 

 

 

What's the difference between the Titanic and Bill Clinton?

 

Ans :     We know how many people went down on the Titanic...

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In response to all the emails about our dog Jack:

 

Yes, he bit six people wearing Obama T-shirts, four people wearing Pelosi T-shirts, two car drivers with rap music blaring from their vehicles, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their **bleep** cracks, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver...

 

For the last time, Jack is not for sale!

 

No, I do not approve of his smoking, but he says it helps take the 'bad taste out of his mouth." 

 

 

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A  lady walked up to the little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret to a long and happy life?"

 

The little old man replied, "I smoke 3 pkgs of cigs a day. I drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise . "

 

"That's absolutely amazing !   How old are you?"

 

 

 

" 26"... 

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BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED....

 

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT. 

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SARAH PALIN :     The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn he's a maverick !

 

BARACK OBAMA :     Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be rewuired to cross the road to surrender her eggs period!

 

HILLARY CLINTON :   What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

 

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

BILL CLINTON :   I did not cross the road with that chicken.

 

BERNIE SANDERS :   That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.

 

AL GORE :     I invented the chicken.

 

AL SHARPTON :   Why are all the chickens white?

  

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DONALD TRUMP :     We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens. 

 

JOHN KERRY:       We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

 

CHRIS CHRISTIE:   We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road. 

 

RAND PAUL:     It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

 

NANCY PELOSI:    We will have to wait  until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

 

CARLY FIORINA:     Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

 

BRIAN WILLIAMS:    I crossed the road with the chicken.

 

BEN CARSON:    This isn't brain surgery. To look for pyramids, it wanted grain.

 

 

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The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces ( USRSF) from Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Arkansas and Tennessee.

 

These boys will be dropped off in Iraq, and have been given only the following facts about ISIS>

 

1.    The season opened today.

 

2.    There is no limit.

 

3.    They run around just like chickens.

 

4.     They don't like beer, bacon, BBQ, pickups, country music, or Jesus.

 

 

                        AND

 

5.     They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt !

 

 

The Pentagon expects the problem in the Middle East to be over by tomorrow.  

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WHAT DOES BARACK O'BAMA CALL ILLEGAL ALIENS?

 

UNDOCUMENTED DEMOCRATS.

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT IS MICHELLE O'BAMA'S FAVORITE VEGGIE?

 

BARACKALI.        Smiley Wink

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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime watch is being shown 5 times a week now.

 

I was reading in the paper today how this dwarf got pickpocketed....

How could anyone stoop so low ! 

 

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a balcony shaking out a carpet. I shouted up to him, " What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

 

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

 

To which the Call Centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."Man Sad

 

 

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British humour as it used to be:

 

It has been announced that the police are going

to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters.

They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-A-Dam.

 

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million dollars worth of improvements.

 

Years ago it was suggested that 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great !

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I DO NOT LIKE THIS DONALD TWIT..

I DO NOT LIKE  HIM JUST A BIT.

 

I DO NOT LIKE HIS FUNKY HAIR...

I DO NOT LIKE THAT HE DON'T CARE.

 

I DO NOT LIKE THAT HE THINKS STRANGE..

SCIENCE FACTS ON CLIMATE CHANGE.

 

I DO NOT LIKE HIS 50'S VIEWS

ABOUT A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

 

I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY HE SPEAKS...

AND INSULTS EVERYONE ONE HE MEETS.

 

I DO NOT LIKE HIS LIES AND TRICKS...

I DO NOT LIKE HIS HEAD OF BRICKS.

 

I DO NOT THINK THAT HE IS SMART..

I THINK HE'S ONLY JUST A FART!  

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