SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

A U.S Navy destroyer stops 4 Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on a megaphone and shouts... : "Ahoy small craft, where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the U.S.A. to reclaim the territory taken by the U.S. during the 1800's." The entire crew aboard the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath and asks, "Just the 4 of you??" The Mexican shouts, "No, Senior. The other 21 million are already there."

[BonnieC10]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing, was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win... Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank in Isreal. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM ! He threw another grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney! KABOOM "I've got to get this guy!" the coach said.to himself, he has the perfect arm!!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.and the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl ! The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, what the young man wants is to call his Mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!". :"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says, " You are no longer my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother." I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "NO! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubbish. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says...... "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!!"

[BonnieC10]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The little boy had been looking out of the window. He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant. The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The busy stewardess smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy replied, "Yes, she did." "Well," she replied ... "You go tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you !"

[BonnieC10]

What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards ? A receding hareline. : (

[BonnieC10]

If a bra is: An over-the-shoulder boulder holder..... What is a man's underwear called? A butt nut hut.

[BonnieC10]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts ti use the restroom, and it was always occupied. A nurse noticed his difficulty, and told him it was okay if he went into the ladies room. "But," she warned him, "Do not push any of the buttons on the wall." Each button was identified with letters...WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR. Of course he couldn't resist and he pushed the WW button. Warm water sprayed his bottom gently. How nice he thought. The men's room doesn't have anything like that. He then pushed the WA button and warm air dried him off. Then he pushed the PP button, and a large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent. He couldn't wait to try the ATR button. The next thing he knew he was in a hospital bed with a nurse starring down at him ! "WHAT HAPPENED?" he exclaimed...................................... The ATR button is an automatic tampon remover. Your **bleep** in under your pillow."

[BonnieC10]

"Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?" "I'm busy now, can I ignore you some other time?" "Don't let your mind wander..... it's too small to be let out on its own." "You really are as pretty as a picture.... I'd like to hang you." "I'd like to give you a going away present.... first do your part." "I hear you changed your mind at last.... what did you do with the diaper?" "I'd like to help you out.... which way did you come in?"

[BonnieC10]

A drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds !" A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy." The man says, "I want a second opinion." "Okay, you're ugly too!". The doctor says, "You'll live to be 60 !" "But doc. I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" "Doc, I have ringing in my ears."............. "Don't answer." "Doctor....my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp."

[BonnieC10]

" I tried paying my taxes with a smile.... They wanted money." " I always work as if I owned the business... Turns out I'm a lazy owner, who just doesn't care if the whole thing goes down the tubes." "Well, aren't you just the most adorable black hole of need.." "Don't believe everything you think." Have a nice day... (someplace else)

[BonnieC10]

The other day I broke 70 That's a lot of clubs ! I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, swung again, and missed the ball and got yet another big chunk of dirt... Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get out of here before we get killed." The world according to Henny Youngman

[BonnieC10]

Jiggs McDonald , NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, said, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance." "That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy.", and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot." "Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit BBQ restaurant called, "Iraq of Ribs." "Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods." "Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop," Koranal Knowledge" , it's name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered>" "All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand os us."

[BonnieC10]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine summer day in his new Washington D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was..... a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the White House. The conversation went like this: "Good morning, This is Barack O'Bama .. how may I help you." "And the best of the day to ye yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Barack, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied... "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment... Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[BonnieC10]

Thanks for the kudos LaDolceVita ! Even though I misspelled dysfunction....lol

[BonnieC10]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a counry road, when a very old cow, wandered out in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver, to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls and sending emails. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other. All smeared with lipstick, he was happily smiling. "What happened to you ?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "My gosh, what did you tell them??" asked Hillary. The driver replied, " I just stepped inside the door and said,......... "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow." The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[BonnieC10]

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfuntion.

[BonnieC10]

When everyone on Earth passed away and were waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to form two lines. Those who were true heads of their households, and those who were dominated by their wives. I want all women to report to St. Peter. Soon the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line dominated by their women, was 100 miles long. And the line of men who were truly heads of their household, had only one man ! God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. Only one obeyed, learn from him !" God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[BonnieC10]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a very sexy girl. I thought to myself...."Please don't get an erection...Please don't get an erection..." But she did....... Who I thought was Mary, was once Bruce..... OY!

[BonnieC10]

I stopped by the Chevrolet dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new 'feel' before they become extinct. The salesman seemed like a nice guy, ( a black man wearing an Obama 'change' lapel pin) he sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all it's 'wonderful' options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I emntioned this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck??? I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your bleep year-round. I had to walk back to the dealership... SOB had no sense of humor!

[BonnieC10]

The daffynition of Irish Diplomacy: The art of telling a man to go to Hell... So that he looks forward to the trip... Yiddish Words We All Use: Chutzpah.....Nervy or brassy. Klutz............Clumsy, or awkward. Glitch...........A minor problem. Kosher........ Suspicious, or shady Shtick..........Entertainer's routine. Spiel............ Long involved sales pitch. THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind......."

[BonnieC10]

The school teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word p-u-t, or p-u-t-t-"? she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t ... is correct." he replied. "P-u-t, means to place a thing where you want it." "P-u-t-t, means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing..: : )

[BonnieC10]

The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about it. She asked, "Now Maria, Why do you want a pay increase?" Maria answered, " Well Ma'am, there are three reasons why I want an increase in salary. The first is that I iron better than you do." The wife said, " Who said that?" Maria replied, " Your husband, he said so." The wife, "Oh yeah?" Maria continues, "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are." The wife says, "Nonsense! Who says.?" Maria replies, "Your husband did." Wife says, "Oh he did, did he?" Maria goes on... "The third reason is I am better in bed than you are." The wife demands, "And did my husband say that as well???" Maria responds, "No, the gardener did." The wife asks sheepishly...... "So, how much do you want?"

[BonnieC10]

An elderly couple just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was the romantic type and the hubby was more of a no nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee and decided to send her hubby a romantic text. "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. :If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you! The hubby texted back to her..... :"I"m on the toilet. Please advise."

[BonnieC10]

It was a beautiful day at a little fish restaurant. A cry suddenly goes up..."My Son ! My Son ! He's chocking.. HELP !" A man from a nearby table stands up and says, "Don't worry, I have experience with these kind of things." He walks over and grabs the fellow by the balls, and a fishbone flies out of his mouth, but he's still chocking. He steps back and he kicks the boy savagly in the ribs. He suddenly can breathe and everyone cheers and claps the man on the back. The parents say "Thank you ! Are you an MD?" "No," says the man, "I work for the IRS."

[duke39]

Two men in a bar talking about tattoos. One of the men tells the other that his wife had a tattoo of a rose on her breast when they were first married. He says that over the years it became a long stemmed rose.

[Liltman]

My wife suggested that I get one of the **bleep** enlargers. So I did. Her name is Sally and she's 39 years old.

[Liltman]

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud.

[Liltman]

Jim said "I've had trouble with both of my wives. The first one died and the second one didn't."

[Liltman]

The woman was in her mid 80's. Her husband had died. She was lonely and suffering several painful ailments. She called her doctor and asked "Exactly where is my heart." He said "Directly under your left breast." So she shot herself in the left knee.

[BonnieC10]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to ya?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little sh-- !" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had somthin' in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well, " says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have somethin' in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!" 

[BonnieC10]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell someting, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." she said proudly.

"Very good" said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "made $445. and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good Debbie " said the teacher.

Eventually it was little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash onto her desk...

"$2,467!" said little Johnny.

"What in the world were you selling" asked the teacher.

"Toothbrushes" said little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make so much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town, I set up a Chip&Dip stand and I gave out free samples."

"They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

"Then I would say, wanna buy a toothbrush?" 

"I used President Obama's method of giving you come crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.