Prevention is the best medicine when it comes to avoiding surprise medical bills! Learn more.

 

Reply
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
969
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

969 Views
Message 1111 of 2,648

Jokes by Henny Youngman:

 

 

A tough guy told me, " I'll bet you $10 you're dead... "

I was afraid to bet him.

 

 

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother, and I was a bottle baby. Man Embarassed

 

I know of a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

 

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

 

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed-- it was a Chinese restaurant."  

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
969
Views
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
1060
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

1,060 Views
Message 1112 of 2,648

REMEMBER ANY OF THESE?

 

 

 

MANUAL WINDOW CRANK IN YOUR VEHICLE

 

CLOTHESLINE & PINS

 

VENT WINDOWS IN CARS... WHY OH WHY DID THEY GET RID OF THESE??

 

35 MM SLIDES... ARE YOURS STILL SITTING IN A BOX IN A CLOSET?

 

CAROUSEL SLIDE PROJECTOR

 

CREAMSICLES...YUM !

 

POPEYE CARTOONS

 

SODA FOUNTAINS.. EGG CREAMS, ROOT BEER FLOATS AND BLACK & WHITES.

 

SWITCHBOARD OPERATORS

 

CHILD'S METAL SAND PAIL AND SHOVEL

 

PLAIN OLD RED FIRE HYDRANT

 

ALUMINUM COFFEE POT FOR THE STOVE TOP.

 

FLINTSTONE CHEWABLES

 

" I REMEMBER MAMA" tv SERIES

 

NANCY AND SLUGGO COMICS

 

**bleep** TRACY AND HIS TWO-WAY WRIST RADIO

 

5&10 GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH AND SODA  AT THE LUNCH COUNTER.

 

25 CENTS A GALLON FOR GAS

 

GREEN STAMPS

 

PARCHEESI

 

CLASSIC WHITE BUCKS

 

LITTLE LULU AND TUBBY COMICS

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1060
Views
Highlighted
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
1043
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

1,043 Views
Message 1113 of 2,648

SUSAN ( age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me anymore of that juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

 

DJ (age 4)   stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:  "How much do I cost?"

 

CLINTON ( age 5)  was in his bedroom looking worried when his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied. "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

 

MARC ( age 4)  was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad... "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

 

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

 

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."  Concerned, James asked," What happened to the flea?"

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1043
Views
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
1049
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

1,049 Views
Message 1114 of 2,648

"Don't worry about temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you ."

 

Winston Churchill

 

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."

 

 

Phyllis Diller

 

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

 

Billy Crystal

 

 

And the Cardiologist's diet:

 

If it tastes good, spit it out.   Cat Sad

 

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1049
Views
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
1054
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

1,054 Views
Message 1115 of 2,648

Last night I left my dentures under my pillow . The tooth fairy must have come, because she left me a pile of monopoly money with a note...

 

"Nice try !"

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1054
Views
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
1039
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

1,039 Views
Message 1116 of 2,648

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Isreal, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

 

Nearly 75 years ago, ( when welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

 

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land !   Smiley Frustrated

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1039
Views
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
1074
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

1,074 Views
Message 1117 of 2,648

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK !"

 

"This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke."Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the KKK. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1074
Views
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
1065
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

1,065 Views
Message 1118 of 2,648

EYE HAV A SPELLING CHECKUR, IT CAME WITH MI PEA SEA.

IT PLAINLY MARCS FOR MI REVU MISS STEAKS EYE KIN KNOT SEA.

STRIKE A KEY AND TYPE A WURD AND WEIGHT FOUR IT TWO SAY,

WEATHER EYE AM RONG OAR RITE,

IT SHOS ME RITE A WEIGH.

AS SOON AS A MIST STEAK IS MAID,

IT NOSE BEE FOR TWO LONG,

AND EYE CAN PUT THE ERROR RITE,

IT IS NEVER RONG.

EYE HAVE RUN THIS POEM THREW IT,

I AM SHORE YOR PLEAZED TO NO,

ITS LETTER PERFICT AWL THE WEIGH,

MY CHECKUR TOLLED ME SEW !

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1065
Views
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
992
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

992 Views
Message 1119 of 2,648

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

"Impossible." says the doctor, "Show me."

 

The redhead too her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed.. likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

 

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

 

"Well, no." she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
992
Views
Valued Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
1000
Views

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

1,000 Views
Message 1120 of 2,648

God took the strength of a mountain...

The majesty of a tree..

The warmth of a summer sun..

The calm of a quiet sea.

 

The generous soul of nature...

The comforting arm of night..

The wisdom of ages..

The power of the eagle's flight.

 

The joy of a morning in spring..

The faith of a mustard seed..

The patience of eternity..

The depth of a family need.

 

Then God combined these qualities..

When there was nothing more to add..

He knew His masterpeice was complete.

 

And so- He called it   DAD

 

 

HAPPY FATHER'DAY.....      

 

 

 

Report Inappropriate Content
Tags (1)
0
Kudos
1000
Views