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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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REMEMBER ANY OF THESE?

 

 

 

MANUAL WINDOW CRANK IN YOUR VEHICLE

 

CLOTHESLINE & PINS

 

VENT WINDOWS IN CARS... WHY OH WHY DID THEY GET RID OF THESE??

 

35 MM SLIDES... ARE YOURS STILL SITTING IN A BOX IN A CLOSET?

 

CAROUSEL SLIDE PROJECTOR

 

CREAMSICLES...YUM !

 

POPEYE CARTOONS

 

SODA FOUNTAINS.. EGG CREAMS, ROOT BEER FLOATS AND BLACK & WHITES.

 

SWITCHBOARD OPERATORS

 

CHILD'S METAL SAND PAIL AND SHOVEL

 

PLAIN OLD RED FIRE HYDRANT

 

ALUMINUM COFFEE POT FOR THE STOVE TOP.

 

FLINTSTONE CHEWABLES

 

" I REMEMBER MAMA" tv SERIES

 

NANCY AND SLUGGO COMICS

 

**bleep** TRACY AND HIS TWO-WAY WRIST RADIO

 

5&10 GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH AND SODA  AT THE LUNCH COUNTER.

 

25 CENTS A GALLON FOR GAS

 

GREEN STAMPS

 

PARCHEESI

 

CLASSIC WHITE BUCKS

 

LITTLE LULU AND TUBBY COMICS

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Jokes by Henny Youngman:

 

 

A tough guy told me, " I'll bet you $10 you're dead... "

I was afraid to bet him.

 

 

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother, and I was a bottle baby. Man Embarassed

 

I know of a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

 

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

 

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed-- it was a Chinese restaurant."  

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60 above.. Floridians wear coats,gloves and wooly hats.

Chicago people sunbathe.

 

50 above...New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Chicago people plant gardens.

 

40 above.. Italian cars won't start.

Chicago people drive with the windows down.

 

32 above..Distilled water freezes.

Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

 

20 above.. Californians shiver.

Chicago people have their last cookout..

 

15 above..N.Y landlords finally turn on the heat.

Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

 

0 degrees... Californians fly away to Mexico.

 

20 below.. People in Miami cease to exist.

Chicago people get out their winter coats.

 

40 below.. Hollywood disintergrates.

Chicago Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

 

60 below.. Polar bears begin to evacuate Antartica.

Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone Winter Survival classes until it gets cold enough.

 

80 below... Mt. St. Helen freezes.

Chicago people rent some videos.

 

100 below.. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

 

297 below.. Microbial life survives on dairy products.

Illinois cows complain of farmer's cold hands.

 

460 below... All atomic motion stops.

Chicago people start saying , "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

 

500 below... Hell freezes over

The Chicago Cubs win the World Series !  Smiley LOL

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Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic.I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished the whole audience stood up.....and walked out !

 

 

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce, murder yes, divorce, never.

 

Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.

 

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

 

(About Abraham Lincoln) Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents...that's my kind of guy !

 

 

Jack Benny

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Now I lay me down to sleep...

I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

 

Please no wrinkles, please no bags..

And please lift my butt before it sags.

 

Please no age spots, please no gray..

And as for my belly, please take it away.

 

Please keep me healthy..

Please keep me strong.

 

And thank you dear Lord...

For all that you've done.   Smiley Happy

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Now I sit me down in school..

Where praying is against the rule..

For this great nation under God,

Finds mention of Him very odd.

 

If Scripture now the class recites..

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow..

Becomes a Federal matter now.

 

Our hair can be purple, orange or green...

That's no offense, it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise..

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

 

For praying in a public hall..

Might offend someone with no faith at all.

In silence alone we must meditate..

God's name is prohibited by the state.

 

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks..

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks..

They've outlawed guns, but First the Bible..

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

 

We can elect a pregnant Senoir Queen..

And the 'unwed daddy' our Senoir King.

It's inappropriate to teach right from wrong..

We're taught that such 'judgements' do not belong.

 

We can get our condoms and birth controls..

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles..

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed..

No word of God must reach the crowd.

 

It's scary here I must confess..

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So Lord, this silent plea I make...

Should I be shot, my soul please take!

 

Amen

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Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence? They signed knowing full well it meant death if they they captured.

 

* 5 signers were captured by the British as traitors.

 

* 12 had their homes ransacked and burned.

 

* 2 lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army and another 2 had sons captured.

 

* 9 fought and died in the war.

 

* 24 were lawyers and jurists.

 

* 11 were merchants , 9 farmers

 

* Carter Braxton of Va. sold his home to pay his debts.

 

* Thomas McKean served in Congress without pay,and kept his family in hiding.

 

* Vandals looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinn, Heyward, Ruttledge & Middleton.

 

* At the battle of Yorktown, British General Cornwallis took over Thomas Nelson Jr.'s home for his headquarters.General George Washington opened fire, destroying the home and Nelson was bankrupt.

 

These men showed tremendous bravery and courage by being willing to put their names on a document that could bring about their deaths. They were remarkable men. 

 

 

            I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG

 

           OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

 

                AND TO THE REPUBLIC

 

                FOR WHICH IT STANDS,

 

               ONE NATION UNDER GOD,

 

                    INDIVISIBLE.

 

          WITH LIBERTY, AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

 

             

 

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Maxine says:

 

 

"If you must burn our flag...please wrap yourself in it first !"

 

 

 

"It's... One nation UNDER GOD...! or bite my skinny old a-- and leave !"

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HAPPY 4TH OF JULY   !!!

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An elderly man was asked by his friend, "At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get, Parkenson's or Alzheimers?"

 

The elderly man said, "Definitely, Parkenson's. Better to spill a half ounce of Crown Royal whiskey, than to forget where you keep the bottle... Heck, isn't that what sippy cups were invented for?"     Smiley Wink

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Proof reading is a dying art:

 

 

MAN SHOOTS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER..

 

 

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS.

 

 

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS.

 

 

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER.

 

 

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH.

 

 

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT.

 

 

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE.

 

 

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE.

 

 

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

 

 

COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

 

 

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE

 

 

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTENING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE.

 

 

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

 

 

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT.

 

 

AND THE WINNER IS:

 

 

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

 

 

YA THINK ???

 

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                              LIFE'S LESSONS

 

 

AGE 5.. I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing, "Silent Night."

 

 

AGE 7... I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.

 

 

AGE 9 ...I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.

 

 

AGE 12.. I've learned that just when I get my room done the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.

 

 

AGE 14.. I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

 

 

AGE 15.. I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.

 

 

AGE 24.. I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.

 

 

AGE 26.. I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.

 

 

AGE 29...I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me.

 

(to be cont.)

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AGE 42..."I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

 

 

AGE 44.. I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending then a little note.

 

 

AGE 46.. I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.

 

 

AGE 47.. I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.

 

 

AGE 48 .. I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life goes on and it will be better tomorrow.

 

 

AGE 50... I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.

 

 

AGE 51... I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these things:  a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

 

 

AGE 52.. I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.

 

 

AGE 53... I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.

 

 

AGE 58... I've learned that making a living is not the same as making a life.

 

(to be cont.)

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AGE 62....  I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

 

 

AGE 64  ... I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

 

 

AGE 65....  Do the best you can, and happiness will find you.

 

 

AGE 66....  I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.

 

 

AGE 72...  I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.

 

 

AGE 82.... I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't need to be one.

 

 

AGE 90 ... I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch..holding hands, a warm hug,or just a friendly pat on the back.

 

 

AGE 92... I've learned that I still have a lot to learn !! ♥

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               SENIOR TRYING TO SET NEW PASSWORD

 

 

 

WINDOWS... PLease enter new password

 

USER.........  cabbage

 

WINDOWS..  Sorry, password must be more than 8 characters.

 

USER.........  Boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS..  Sorry, must contain 1 numerical character.

 

USER........   1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS... Sorry, cannot have blank spaces

 

USER.........  50bloodyboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS..  Sorry, password must contain at least 1 upper case character .

 

USER........   50BLOODYboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS..  Sorry, the password cannot use more than 1 uppercase character consecutively.

 

USER........   50BloodyBoiledCabbagesshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessnow!

 

WINDOWS..  Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

 

USER........  ReallyPissedOff50boiledcabbagesshovedup yourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessnow.

 

WINDOWS....  Sorry, the password is already in use. 

 

 

 

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Bonnie, I loved this and reposted it  on Our Front Porch!

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                          JACK BENNY ONELINERS

 

 

 

Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up...and walked out ! 

 

 

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce..murder yes, but divorce, never.

 

Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.

 

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

 

(about Abraham Lincoln) Any man who would walk five miles through the  snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents...that's my kind of guy !

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Jack Benny Jokes ( cont.)

 

 

(about George Burns) We have a lot in common. The other night we went to see an X -rated movie, and we both fell asleep.

 

 

(about his fiddle) It's a real Strad, you know... if it isn't, I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap,is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.

 

(at a CBS dinner) Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face--- even if it costs me my job.

 

(at a charity dinner) I had my choice tonight of buying a hundred-dollar ticket, or being up here on the dias...So, good evening , ladies and gentlemen .

 

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles, of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short, the joke, exaggeration, ridicule,ignorance,surprise,the pun,and finally, the comic situation.

 

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Jack Benny Cont.

 

 

(first radio appearance) Hello folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause, while everyone says, "Who cares?"

 

Give me some golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

 

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

 

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally won $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was a lot cheaper than renting a room.

 

I took my girl to dinner,,and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

 

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

 

I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn't believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.

 

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 

He yelled back, "Notre Dame."    

 

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies..... "I'll miss you."

 

 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

Probably that I married you for your money." she replied.

 

Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A. A rumor.

 

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. They are practicing to be men.

 

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

 

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

 

Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A. It helps them remember which end to wipe.

 

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?

A. Rename the e-mail folder "Instruction Manual"

 

While creating husbands, God promised women that good men would be found in all corners of the world....

And then He made it round, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed...

 

 

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        Those are pretty good.   Thanks!      Try this one on for size:

 

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
 
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
 
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
 
Trying to put a positive spin on things,  the bartender says,
 
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
 
"Yeah. - But today is the last day"
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Insults come in all forms:

 

1. Not the brightest light in the harbor.

2. The light's on but nobody's home.

3. Not the brightest bulb in the box.

4. A few screws short of a hardware store.

5. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

6. A few cards short of a deck.

7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

8. About as sharp as a marble.

9. Only has one oar in the water.

10. Smart as a bag of rocks.

11. A burger short of a combo meal.

12. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

13. A few peas short of a casserole.

14. A few keys short of a keyboard.

15. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

16. The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

17. As smart as a stick.

18. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

20. Has an IQ of room temperature.

21. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

22. Not the brightest crayon in the box.

23. One twist short of a slinky.

24. Sharp as a sack of wet mice.

25. More numb than a frozen mukluk.

26. Not the sharpest crayon in the box

27. Not the sharpest tool in the shed

28. They are depriving some village of its idiot.

29. A few threads short of a sweater.

30. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

31. Driveway doesn't quite reach the road.

32. The battery is not fully charged.

33. About as sharp as a bowling ball.

34. Dumber than a bag of hammers.

35. Two bricks short of a load.

36. A few clowns short of a circus.

37. A few beers short of a six-pack.

38. Dumber than a box of hair.

39. A few tacos short of a fiesta platter.

40. All foam no beer.

41. As smart as bait.

42. Chimney's clogged.

43. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

44. Forgot to pay his brain bill.

45. The antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

46. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

47. Another brain would be lonely.

48. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

49. No grain in the silo.

50. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

51. Receiver is off the hook.

52. Has a leak in the skylight.

53. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

54. Dumb as a donkey.

55. Not all the soldiers are marching in line.

56. Dumber than paint.

57. Half a bubble off plumb.

58. A few fruit loops shy of a full bowl.

59. Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.

60. A few shades beyond blonde.

61. Has to take turns for the family brain-cell.

62. A few watts short of a light bulb.

63. Dumb as a stump.

64. Running on 3 cylinders.

65. A few Bradys short of a bunch.

66. Has the parachute but is missing the ripcord.

67. Would lose a debate with a doorknob.

68. Has an IQ lower than plant life.

69. All telephone, no receiver.

70. One ski short of a snowmobile.

71. Wouldn't know if they were on foot or horseback.

72. The logs are ablaze but the chimney is clogged.

73. Eats soup with a fork.

74. The wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off (or is dead).

75. The cheese slid off his cracker.

76. The engine is running but nobody is behind the wheel.

77. A few fuses short of a full circuit.

78. A tire short of an eighteen wheeler.

79. Doesn't have all the chairs at the table.

80. Dumber than a bag of rocks.

81. A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding.

82. A few pecans short of a fruitcake.

83. As fruity as a bag of Skittles™

84. Would argue with a signpost.

85. If you gave them a penny for thoughts, you'd get change.

86. Dumb as a salt shaker.

87. Has a mind like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.

88. Knitting with only one needle.

89. The result of too much chlorine in the gene pool.

90. Not the brightest bulb in the chandalier.

91. Not the quickest bunny in the forest.

92. The hard drive is spinning but the OS hasn't been installed.

93. Not exactly running on all thrusters.

94. A few toppings short of a Deluxe Pizza.

95. A few burgers short of a barbecue.

96. A few roos loose in the top paddock.

97. The wind is blowing but nothing is moving.

98. The umbrella is up but there's no rain.

99. A few colors short of a rainbow.

100. As bright as a lamp in Aladdin's cave.

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Maybe his family tree doesn't fork..... : (
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Glad you enjoyed it ! Have a great day !
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A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots - by Jeff Foxworthy


If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. ...

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If you MUST show your picture identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government— you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat— you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

 

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. What a country!

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An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?"

 

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer...

 

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

 

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

 

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, Honey?"

 

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."   Smiley Frustrated

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

"Impossible." says the doctor, "Show me."

 

The redhead too her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed.. likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

 

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

 

"Well, no." she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."

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In Response to Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan!"

"This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.....

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.....

Then, slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.    

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In Response to Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

               QUOTABLE QUOTATIONS

Sex is good, but not as good as sweet corn.

Garrison Keillor

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During a coup attempt by a number of rebellious nobles, King George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed to punish the leaders of the uprising. His advisers transported the rack to the upcoming battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy encampment, by renting forty pachyderms and hiring an African engineer with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive labor.

 

Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the elephants stampeded, carrying the ramp with the African on it tumbling down the hill, rolling over the opposition, and virtually destroying it. One of the survivors painfully cried out, “What in creation was that?”

 

An anguished companion stammered, “I’m not sure, but it looked like a rambling rack from George’s attack and an elephant engineer.”

 

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