Sad about having to raise grandchild.

[ChristineB369347]

I am grateful he is safe. I am the only mother he knows....but I still feel so cheated. I'm only 47. I raised my children and I only had a year to myself. The toll it has taken on my life is immense. My relationship I have which was fun and new has now become chores and meals, schedules and freedom restrictions. My son is useless to help. I can't help but resent my son very, very much for laying this on me. I am lonely, my love life is ruined. We now fight in front of the child, this is so very wrong but he is a mean nasty tempered man. Now I'm stuck because I don't have a car (broke down and junked)of my own,  fiance sells cars but will not give me nor sell me one we live 20 miles from anything. I am verbally assaulted daily. 

moral of the story is, be very very careful whom you trust. Now I'm stuck, homeless without this nightmare relationship and I do have some savings but not much. Any advice? Does anyone have a place I can move into with  my grandchild. I am desperately in need. I'm healthy,can work and need a town with transportation. 

[im3221]

I can empathize with your situation.  My advice if you are willing is to

please reach out to social services in your area, or a homeless or women’s shelter to seek help and resources.  I pray God shows you the way.  And others facing difficulties.

[JenniferH468904]

Hello, I tried posting previously but I think it didn't post because I did not have an account. I am 52 years old and I am raising my two grandsons ages 12 and 15. I have been trying to find an online support group that is free and perhaps occurs weekly. This new rule in raising my grand sons has been a big change in my life and at times it has been very overwhelming. It would be nice to find other people that are in a similar situation as me to talk to and perhaps make new friends that can relate to my situation. I don't remember what I wrote in my post that I tried to send previously but I hope this reaches someone that can respond.

[GailL1]

You know, @JenniferH468904, at 52 you are in the age group of many mothers who have children in the age group of your grandsons.  My daughter will be 52 this year and she has a son that is now turning 15 and a daughter that is 10.  Most of the other mothers around them are all in this general age group.  All kinds of household - a lot of them with only one parent.  

I bet that you will fit right in with the mother’s in whatever your grandsons are doing - from school to sports - age wise you will fit right in if that is what you want to do.

My neighbor is 68 and has a relatively new wife who is 60 - not long ago they took over guardianship of his (5) nieces and nephews, ages 9-months to 16.  They both seem to have gotten younger overnite.  He had always been in the kid’s life because of unfortunate family situations which got worse so he decided to step all the way in with agreement from his relatively new bride.  They are making a real go at it and they seem to be doing fine and thriving.  I think the younger one is keeping them on their toes.  

I doubt that I can be of much help to you since I am much, much older than you but I do know that age group from my own grandkids whom I would have a lot of problem living with them but that is more because of my age than anything about them.  

I do know that you can always come here if you need to just chat or rant, whatever the need.  Some may have more related experience to you than me - 

Best to you

[SpringIsHereVA]

AARP Experts Jane @JaneCares & Amy @agoyer , can you help Jennifer @JenniferH468904 ?  🤔

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➡️[*** Jennifer wrote on Thursday 5/1/25: Hello, I tried posting previously but I think it didn't post because I did not have an account. I am 52 years old and I am raising my two grandsons ages 12 and 15. I have been trying to find an online support group that is free and perhaps occurs weekly. This new rule in raising my grand sons has been a big change in my life and at times it has been very overwhelming. It would be nice to find other people that are in a similar situation as me to talk to and perhaps make new friends that can relate to my situation. I don't remember what I wrote in my post that I tried to send previously but I hope this reaches someone that can respond. ***]

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[JenniferH468904]

Thank you 

[SpringIsHereVA]

You are welcome Jennifer @JenniferH468904 !!!  💛  For some reason Jane @JaneCares & Amy @agoyer NO longer get "notifications" when they are TAGGED, so I sent them BOTH a copy of your post. They will know of a SAFE ENVIRONMENT for you "online" as NOT everyone is kind these days. Take care, Nicole  👵

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➡️[*** Jennifer wrote on Thursday 5/1/25: Thank you. ***]

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[JenniferH468904]

I appreciate you so much!!! Yes, online can be so cruel nowadays and I'm just trying to find a safe and kind community to be a part of to share my experiences and feelings with similar individuals. God bless you Nicole! 🙏 

[SpringIsHereVA]

Be SAFE my friend Jennifer @JenniferH468904  💛

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➡️[*** Jennifer wrote on Thursday 5/1/25: I appreciate you so much!!! Yes, online can be so cruel nowadays and I'm just trying to find a safe and kind community to be a part of to share my experiences and feelings with similar individuals. God bless you Nicole! 🙏  ***]

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[JaneCares]

Hi Christine. Oh my goodness, such a load of sadness you are carrying. And a child that you did not know you'd be raising at 47. 

I am a social worker and a counselor (in Oregon). I have a bunch of ideas and suggestions. I don't want to overwhelm you. I hope that something i suggest will help you. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, take what you like and leave the rest. 

I hope i am understanding you correctly: your fiance is verbally abusive and also stingy. So you want to move and start anew.  The other reader suggested a Family Justice Center. There should also be some sort of domestic violence shelter.  The counselors there sometimes can put you up temporarily while you find some other situation. Call, ask. Maybe leave him, with all your stuff, when he's away at work. Has he ever been violent toward you? The danger of violence is greatest when women try to leave. I am so sorry about this.

Let me also ask, if you are taking care of your son's child, is the Department of Human Services or Child Welfare involved? Did they take the child away from your son and then place the child with you? If so, make the caseworker help you. (Maybe they already have but i want to make sure you have the support they can provide.) So that means, the worker needs to help you with income. Is there a grandparents program in your county? Are you eligible for TANF and food stamps (Temporary Assistance to Needy Families)? Is there a head start or any other program that gives you respite (and provides transportation) for the child? I know that COVID19 has shut down a lot of services, but ask. 

Is there another grandmother who can help you, take turns with the boy, give you a break? You might know who the mother is? I presume she is not very functional which is why the child isn't with her. But the other grandmother might be an ally you don't know about yet.

If you are the only mother he has known, then you are a huge blessing in his life. And since your life has taken this hard right U-turn back into parenting, you are under a lot of stress, and feeling understandable resentment against your son, as you mentioned. I think you would be greatly helped by seeing a therapist. There should be a mental health clinic, known as community mental health, in your area somewhere. Those counselors are used to working with people who are at a crossroads, and often have no money and no clear pathway to a better life. You might have to jump through some hoops, like an intake process. But then you get to see a counselor, probably for free who can listen to you and help you develop a plan for moving forward. They might have a case management service as well, and sometimes help with finances, or temporary shelter. 

Perhaps counseling is the most important step you could take, because you will feel more strength and courage to do what needs to be done with support.

Tell us more? What do YOU think you need most? We are here.

Jane

in rural Oregon

[ManicProgressive]

Oh jeez, this is awful. Do you have a Family Justice Center near you? Or other access to domestic violence services? Even if you don’t feel physically abused, you can get help from services like this, which can help with housing, jobs, etc.

here is a listing of some locations.

https://www.familyjusticecenter.org/affiliated-centers/

[AndSolomTX]

I am raising a troubled 11 almost 12 year old most disrespectful grandchild.  It's too much.  I have spent years giving up my freedom and peace in exchange for constant aggravation disrespect laziness entitled unruly just all around difficult and out of control troubled grandchild.  This kid needs a 2 parent home that will hold her to take responsibility for actions and provide the discipline that she needs.  I don't know where to turn. We have already been in counseling, therapist, psychiatrist, medications....it's all just futile.  My life is miserable. It kills me to think of actually driving her to some foster care place but I also don't know what to do with this overwhelming bad situation.

[JaneCares]

Hi there, AndSolomTX!

Oh my, that is hard and very heavy for you to carry. I want to echo what im3221 asks: can you reach out to other people? In your family, extended kin? My guess is that if this girl's parents are such a mess that you are rearing her, there might not be other relatives who can help. But if there's a niece or cousin or someone relatively nearby, it would be great if you could catch a break and the child could get exposed to other ways of 'being family.' Since what she knows so far is 'family isn't loving' and 'grandma is cranky.'

It takes a really really BIG village to raise a child.

I know counseling feels like a huge waste of time, for her. I once had a caseload of half the children from a huge foster care mess in rural Oregon. I had the 14 year old girl, a 12 year old boy, and a 6 year old child who was, no other way to describe it, feral. I spent the whole hour trying to keep him from wrecking my office. One hour a week is just inadequate, although it can be helpful: just too slow. And excellent child therapists are hard to find.

I have one idea: go see a counselor yourself. You could use the 50 minutes during which someone with skill and a listening heart can be present for you, offering gentle suggestions and affirmation of how hard this is, what skills you bring, how options feel to you as you consider them for your grandchild.  I wrote this for the facebook caregiving online community: perhaps it will help. And keep coming here and anywhere else you can get support. I'm so sorry it's so hard. You are teaching her a lot just by putting up with her.

How to find a psychotherapist as a caregiver

1. Check out the psychology, psychiatry and social work graduate school programs in your area. Do this in the fall or winter; by Spring the semester is winding down. Call and find out if there is a student clinic. Although the therapists will be inexperienced, they will be earnest, well-read in the latest techniques, and well-supervised by clinicians who should be experts in their field.
2. Check out your health insurance ‘preferred provider’ network. Unless you have “Red-White-& Blue card Medicare,” there is probably an online list of therapists who are “in plan.” You can also call the customer service number for your insurance and ask for a provider list.
3. Know the difference between psychiatry, psychology and psychotherapy. Virtually all graduate-program trained clinicians can assess your mental health needs and provide treatment. After a minimum of 2 years’ supervision for therapists, these clinicians are also licensed.
   1. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can prescribe medication that helps with mental health problems. A nurse practitioner and a physician’s assistant can also prescribe medication. Your primary care provider can also safely prescribe an antidepressant to help you; if the medication does not help, s/he may recommend either a psychiatric assessment, a ‘talk therapist’, or both.
   2. A psychologist usually has a PhD or a Psy-D, which are different kinds of doctorates. Psychologists are best known and used for testing, especially for disorders like ADHD, or PTSD, and more severe forms of mental illness. They can also providing psychotherapy.
   3. Other kinds of psychotherapists can have letters like the following after their name: LPC, LCSW, MFT. These stand for Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and Marriage & Family Therapist. Once they are licensed in the state they practice in, they can join the ‘preferred provider’ network of various health insurance companies. The majority of master-level counselors in the USA are social workers with Masters of Social Work.
4. If you don’t want to work through your insurance company, or the coverage is terrible, consider paying directly through a cooperative like Open Path Collective, which provides a sliding scale option for every client.
5. Decide whether you want to have an online counselor or in person sessions.
6. Start making phone calls. Even if a therapist says s/he is taking new clients, the web site may not be up to date. If there is a waiting list, get on it. Keep calling until you’ve exhausted the list, or you yourself are exhausted. Then try again later.
7. Ask friends if they know of a good counselor.
8. Ask your primary care doctor if they can recommend a good counselor.
9. Check out Psychology Today. Those therapists list their name on that web site for $30/month: the list does not include everyone in practice, and is more likely to list people in private practice.
10. Keep looking until you find someone who is skilled, compassionate, and leaves you feeling supported and more able to think of creative solutions after just one session.

[im3221]

My heart goes out to you, truly.

although it is very emotionally hurtful you must do what is right for the well being of all involved.  Is there other family willing to step in and help?  If not then begin speaking to social services in your area about next steps.

And do not accept the criticism of other for they are not living your life!

[SpringIsHereVA]

[Saturday 4/5/25]

@im3221 , thank you for showing @AndSolomTX compassion!!!  💛  Take care, Nicole  👵

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[*** @im3221 wrote 4/5/25:

My heart goes out to you, truly.

although it is very emotionally hurtful you must do what is right for the well being of all involved.  Is there other family willing to step in and help?  If not then begin speaking to social services in your area about next steps.

And do not accept the criticism of other for they are not living your life! ***]

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