Widowhood

CarolynS674392 · ‎11-22-2022

It's been two years since my husband died. I talk to other widows (usually a lot older ones, but not always) and they don't have any interest in ever dating again. As sad as I am, I feel lonely and would maybe like to date. This makes me feel like I'm all alone in this and guilt. It's also taboo to talk about needing sex after the loss of a spouse. My husband denied my requests for sex the last few years and wasn't sick that we knew of. He was 13 years older than I. I would like to feel attractive. I don't know.

We had a very good marriage. We were best friends and he was very kind. I don't think there are many like him out there.

LeeS4949 · ‎11-22-2022

Im very sorry for the loss that you are feeling. All that can be said is that although it wont go away it will eventually heal. That said I think healing,as in beauty,is in the eye of the beholder. I hope you will find a spot inside of you that will allow you to move ahead after this great loss, fill in that void in your heart,and show you the way to becoming who you want to be. I sense that you will. My best wishes to you.

SueS788527 · ‎11-22-2022

Hi, Carolyn, I felt compelled to respond to your feelings and questions on potentially starting new relationships. I am not an expert, but I believe that you know best when to begin the new relationships and potentially new intimacy. It is not something you should be embarrassed about, and I give you credit for openly raising these important questions. My husband died a year ago and we had a long relationship since college days. Like you I would be open to new relationships. It is just a matter of when I will be ready and what type of relationship. Perhaps it makes sense to start in small steps, meaning going out in a small group of friends and new friends. I plan to build in an exit strategy in case things don't work out. If you are like me, I haven't dated in decades so there is a learning curve as well. Just don't be too hard on yourself.

There are a lot of articles on this topic with cautions of not jumping into new relationships too soon to fill the void left by your husband's death. During the grief journey I have found that I have to be much more independent and self-confident and that should be part of the new me. In this way, I will be ready to nurture new relationships that are not a replacement of my husband. Easier said than done. Good luck to you and I wish you much love and joy in this new phase of your life. I think it is healthy that you are thinking next steps. Your friend, Sue

CarolynS674392 · ‎11-28-2022

Thank you for all the advice and comfort, Sue. You have good ideas.

CarolynS674392 · ‎11-28-2022

Thank you. Today, I am just thinking about my wonderful late husband. All the things we did together and how he always said at every dinner in prayer "thank you for this wonderful meal made by my wonderful wife." It would be pretty difficult to find someone like him. He was my very best friend and everything to me.

j987762m · ‎12-22-2022

Hello Carolyn, Your questions and queries are very appropriate. In my opinion, you, and any others who are reading this, do not need to wait to seek companionship, other than to be careful and safe. Life is short. Throughout history, widows and widowers have remarried promptly; situations and circumstances often required that they do so. Many people, possibly most people, live a better life being around others.There is no dishonor to your beloved deceased loved one in finding new friends, companions, and another significant partner. Two of my favorite movies show both a widow and a widower remarrying instantly: Love Comes Softly and The Substitute Wife. When marriage was much more than an emotional companion, remarriage was swift. We should not, therefore, in my opinion, judge or look down on anyone who desires companionship, even after a very short period of mourning, let alone after two full years of being alone.

EileenP559346 · ‎12-19-2022

Your post made me think about meals with my husband. I loved to cook for him, he always appreciated it. I don't really cook anymore. It is no fun to cook for one. After every meal when I was cleaning up my husband would kiss me on the cheek and thank me for the dinner. 🙂 It was so nice to be appreciated.

SueS788527 · ‎12-19-2022

Hi, Eileen, welcome to AARP's Grief Forum. I think this community will help you in your grieving and healing process. My husband died a year ago and it was rough going for many months. I found this Forum as a great outlet to share thoughts and obtain feedback from others who are also on this path. Regarding your comments on cooking, my husband also enjoyed eating my dishes and often times either joined me or did his own thing. It was a wonderful time of sharing, including feeding our old cat who loved our chicken and turkey dishes as well. No wonder she lived 20 plus years with us after we adopted her. My thoughts on cooking, which I still do, is to redirect your thoughts to your own well-being. Grieving is stressful and takes a toll on those grieving both physically and mentally. That is why itis important to channel your cooking to those meals you love and perhaps didn't prepare because your husband couldn't or wouldn't eat them. With his cancer, cooking was a challenge, and I spent a lot of time researching what I should make for him. After he passed, initially I had no interest in eating anything and lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Not good for me. I started to make dishes I liked, mainly seafood, and others which I hadn't made in the past. It was liberating and enjoyable. I began to experiment with some new dishes I always wanted to try and that was generally successful. I also make enough to freeze for another day. You are free to try many different approaches. Treat yourself since you are buying now for one. It is a new day and you are not being disloyal to your husband's memory to stop cooking and in fact, he would want you to be happy and independent. Don't give up. You will want to be physically and mentally ready for your transition to a new you. Good luck and happy holiday. Your friend, Sue