AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - Re: Lost my mom

Stephen74Utah · ‎06-30-2025

10 years ago my mom had a heart attack and I started taking care of her. It's been an up and down path. 6 years ago we moved where we're at now hoping to be closer to family. 4 years ago her kidneys start to fail. She had to start doing dialysis. On June 8th 2025 you passed away. For the last 6 years I haven't worked I've just been taking care of her. Now I have nothing except our cats. I'm going to end up homeless losing everything. By dealing with my own mental health I'm 50 years old. I got three older brothers but they've never helped now that she's gone they just ignoring me. I feel so lost. She wasn't just my mom she was my best friend. She leaned on me and I leaned on her. now I don't know how to go forward.

SummerOnTheWay1 · ‎04-14-2026

[Tuesday 4/14/26]

Stephen @Stephen74Utah , just so you know - there are members here who SUPPORT you along with AARP Expert Jane @JaneCares & AARP Darryl @DarrylL35959 . BOTH posted "suggestions" for you.

Please CONTINUE to stop by to let us know how you are doing my friend.

Grief & Loss Team 🤗

Stephen74Utah · ‎04-15-2026

Thanks for the information. It's just been non-stop for 10 months. I'm just very tired. Since my two cats were my support animals and my mom was my support person. Losing her then couple months later being separated from my two babies. Caused my mental health to take a massive dive and I ended up in the hospital for times because I've got kind of dangerous to myself. But ever since I've been out the last time I've had therapist talk to me they don't really seem to care to help. They just want to push push push. I can't even get my older brothers to talk to me. It's not like they helped me anyways when she was still here. 10 years after she had her heart attack they never helped once they left me to do it all. And I'm the one who has a learning disability and comprehension disability plus dealing with my own mental health. Now I just feel abandoned. So very alone. I just feel so lost. All I want is a place where I can have my babies back. I miss them so very much.

JaneCares · ‎04-15-2026

Hi Steve,

I am so sorry to hear that you haven't found stable housing and still miss your cats. I'm also sorry that you're having trouble finding people who seem to care about helping you, as well. My church, in Springfield OR, has 5 people living in our parking lot, in 3 "conastoga" huts, one bus, and one tent. We've integrated them into our community and they are full members, helping out, keeping an eye on things. Are there any churches near you in Utah that have 'tiny houses' or any housing programs? There are many unhoused people in Portland and Eugene, and there are various efforts to help, but not nearly enough to meet demand.

I do wish your family will step up and help you. You mention a female who is part of your family, and able to be present for you. I'm glad for that.

Helping people like you with multiple problems can lead to burn out for professional helpers as well as family members; this is not your fault! But you end up getting the indifference. Our 'system' to help people is fragmented, under-resourced, a hot mess. I'm sorry you're bouncing around without resolution.

Have you tried the courthouse? Do you think you need a guardian to help you manage your life? Perhaps that's one way to go.

And as another poster suggested, group homes can be very helpful.

We are with you in spirit.

Jane

SummerOnTheWay1 · ‎04-15-2026

[Wednesday 4/15/26]

Where are you staying at the moment Stephen @Stephen74Utah ?

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

Stephen74Utah · ‎04-15-2026

It's a temporary apartment they only charge up percentage of what you make and since I make nothing they charge me about $150 a month. I was able to pay two months myself with the last of my money. I had a couple of relatives that helped me but after that they've stopped talking to me. The apartment is part of the mental health department here. I'm going to try to get some sleep.

SummerOnTheWay1 · ‎04-13-2026

[Monday 4/13/26]

Stephen @Stephen74Utah , how are you doing dear friend?

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

Stephen74Utah · ‎04-14-2026

I'm so very lost. I had a few relatives that helped me and I've applied for a job that helps people with mental health but I'm on there waiting list. But the relatives have stopped helping. So I'm going to end up on the streets by the end of this month. I've lost everything and I'm just ready for this life to end. My boss told my hope that I will see my babies again. I've lost all of my positivity. I'm just so tired.

SummerOnTheWay1 · ‎04-14-2026

[Tuesday 4/14/36]

Stephen @Stephen74Utah , is there a CRISIS HOTLINE you can call?

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

Stephen74Utah · ‎04-14-2026

I have been there and done that. Talk to people on crisis hot lines, I've talked to therapist, I've also been hospitalized for my mental health. In the end I'm always alone. Ever since my mom passed away everyone in my family is turning their backs on me. In the last ones that were talking to me have stopped. I keep going forward but I don't know why. And I'll never see my little fur babies again. Thanks for your concern.

Stephen74Utah · ‎02-04-2026

Hello I thought I would stop by. Please haven't gotten any better. The grief is still eating me alive. I'm still not getting any moral support from my family. I moved into a temporary apartment but only to be allowed to stay for another month. Along with the fact that my vehicle broke down. In January I lost my storage that I had. I couldn't pay it so I got auctioned off. So now I lost everything. I haven't been able to see my babies. I miss them so much. I've had a few family members that have started treating me worse. One family member has been talking to me. She used to work with children with mental health and mental disabilities so she knows what I'm going through. Otherwise I'm all alone. I talked to my service last week. Doesn't seem to be helping much anymore. Take care of yourselves.

Stephen74Utah · ‎12-02-2025

Well I made it through Thanksgiving barely. Now I have to make it through my birthday on the 11th, Christmas and my mom's birthday on June 15th. Things haven't gotten better. Factors of gotten worse. My cat and I have now been separated for two and a half months. My vehicle broke down. I won't get any money for food until the 11th. My family is just ignoring me now completely. Have lost hope. Sorry. Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Stephen74Utah · ‎12-03-2025

Problem is I no longer feel like I'm worthy. I'm at the point where I just feel it's time to give up and end this life.

SummerOnTheWay1 · ‎12-03-2025

Stephen @Stephen74Utah , your cats need you.

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** STEPHEN

@Stephen74Utah wrote:
Problem is I no longer feel like I'm worthy. I'm at the point where I just feel it's time to give up and end this life.

Stephen74Utah · ‎12-03-2025

I've had to accept I'll never see them again. They're at a place called four paws. Things just keep getting worse and worse. Now that the holidays are here it's just getting even more worse. I'm just so tired.

SummerOnTheWay1 · ‎12-03-2025

Stephen @Stephen74Utah , maybe they will allow you to "visit" them.

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** STEPHEN

@Stephen74Utah wrote:
I've had to accept I'll never see them again. They're at a place called four paws. Things just keep getting worse and worse. Now that the holidays are here it's just getting even more worse. I'm just so tired.

WebWiseWoman · ‎12-07-2025

Nicole, please be careful, please...

SereneSeagull · ‎04-14-2026

Again, I’d advise…

Stephen74Utah · ‎12-03-2025

Sadly they won't and I haven't seen them now for two and a half months. I'm trying to hold on. But it seems that everyone who says they care have started to turn their backs on me. Nobody wants to talk to me. My mom is older brother was put into a care home and I can't even talk to him now. I'm just hungry and tired. I'm going to try to get some sleep.

JaneCares · ‎12-04-2025

Hey there, Stephen. So you are in Utah, I take it. Are you by any remote chance LDS? One thing that is absolutely sure is that Mormons take excellent care of their own. That's one thought.

Another is, you've been hospitalized a couple of times. I am so sorry you are having so much grief and depression, and that you are also unhoused. AND your car broke down. AND its winter. AND you miss your cats. So, you are literally try to build your life up from zero. Well, you have a broken car so that is some kind of shelter. I do hope you get SNAP "food stamps". But you get them on the 11th? In a week? You have access to internet, thus you are writing us. Can you search for your town and 'food pantry'? The food pantries i know (in Oregon) can also direct people to a hot meal or free sandwich, usually.

When you are hospitalized and then discharged, the discharging physician is supposed to give you an outpatient plan of care that should include, in your situation, a clinic to follow up with to treat your depression. I'm assuming you have some sort of medicaid (https://medicaid.utah.gov/contact/). Which means that the mental health clinic that takes medicaid also provides "information and referral" to other services, like housing and food.

It's a lot of work to mobilize yourself when you are depressed, hungry, and broke. A LOT of work. And I wish that weren't true. But you can make a decision to go get some help: you might have to walk. Or get on a bus and ask them how to get to the mental health center, or the social services offices.

I hope you don't give up on yourself, on hope, and on the possibility of a new chapter in your life, Stephen. You are a young man, still. 50 years old means you have a lot of time left to revisit things you used to do, jobs you could return to, perhaps. It will take work. And then, in a couple of years, you can look back and see, wow, I've come a long way, and I'm in a good place, now.

Whaddya say?

We are rooting for you.

Jane

DarrylL35959 · ‎12-04-2025

Hi @Stephen74Utah , Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling. I’m really glad you reached out. It sounds like you’re going through an incredibly difficult time, and you don’t have to navigate that alone.

To make sure we can support you appropriately and connect you with the right resources, I’m going to send you a direct message. Please check your inbox so we can continue this conversation privately.

If you’re in immediate danger or feel you may harm yourself, please contact 988 right now. They’re available 24/7 and can provide immediate support.

Stephen74Utah · ‎12-07-2025

I just lost my internet right now I'm using a free Wi-Fi from a restaurant standing outside. I do have an apartment right now but it's a temporary only. The internet company that I was going through once all their back money which is about $300.. so no more Wi-Fi for me. Unless I go to the library or something like that. One of my cousins set me a pizza today. I hadn't eaten for 5 days straight. There is a food bank but it's really far from where I live. No I don't belong to the LDS. Today was a very bad day for me tomorrow is not going to be much better since tomorrow will be 6 months. My biggest thing is I'm not getting any support like I was getting from my mom. She had been my support my whole life. With me dealing with learning disabilities and later on mental health she was my support and I was hers. On top of that the cats were also my support in. Now I'm getting none. more and more my family keeps turning their backs on me. But I'm doing okay right now just feel lost. But with tomorrow being 6 months since my mom's been gone and 3 months since my cats and I have been separated. Plus the 11th is my birthday. This month is just always been bad for the last 12 years plus. 10 years ago I lost an uncle and last year I lost an uncle I even lost my grandfather in December. And on the 15th of January you'll be my mom's birthday if I can just get past that I might do okay. But I need to find a way to get back on my feet and get my cats but it needs to be fast I don't want them staying in their whole year. Right now I'm in the dark tunnel and I see no lights. When I keep moving forward and hoping I'm not going in circle. Good night

JaneCares · ‎12-09-2025

Did you get any referrals for help following your hospitalization(s)?

SummerOnTheWay1 · ‎12-07-2025

Dear Stephen @Stephen74Utah , how long are you being allowed to stay in the apt?

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** STEPHEN

@Stephen74Utah wrote:
I just lost my internet right now I'm using a free Wi-Fi from a restaurant standing outside. I do have an apartment right now but it's a temporary only. The internet company that I was going through once all their back money which is about $300.. so no more Wi-Fi for me. Unless I go to the library or something like that. One of my cousins set me a pizza today. I hadn't eaten for 5 days straight. There is a food bank but it's really far from where I live. No I don't belong to the LDS. Today was a very bad day for me tomorrow is not going to be much better since tomorrow will be 6 months. My biggest thing is I'm not getting any support like I was getting from my mom. She had been my support my whole life. With me dealing with learning disabilities and later on mental health she was my support and I was hers. On top of that the cats were also my support in. Now I'm getting none. more and more my family keeps turning their backs on me. But I'm doing okay right now just feel lost. But with tomorrow being 6 months since my mom's been gone and 3 months since my cats and I have been separated. Plus the 11th is my birthday. This month is just always been bad for the last 12 years plus. 10 years ago I lost an uncle and last year I lost an uncle I even lost my grandfather in December. And on the 15th of January you'll be my mom's birthday if I can just get past that I might do okay. But I need to find a way to get back on my feet and get my cats but it needs to be fast I don't want them staying in their whole year. Right now I'm in the dark tunnel and I see no lights. When I keep moving forward and hoping I'm not going in circle. Good night

Stephen74Utah · ‎12-08-2025

One year total in the apartment, I've already been here now 3 months and as right now I don't have a job the amount the money for the apartment is $150 a month once I start making it job it is a percentage of how much I make

Stephen74Utah · ‎10-29-2025

Hello I'm still around. Still dealing with the grief. I've been homeless now for two months and I've been separated from my cats going to be six weeks. I have a cats staying at a foster care place so I'll be able to get them back. I've been in the hospital four times for my mental health. I'm holding in right now. Still no help for my family.

LindaW335461 · ‎11-26-2025

Hi Stephen, Sending good thoughts your way. Have you ever tried any 12 step programs? There's a million programs for everything- not just for alcohol. Maybe Debtor's Anonymous or Underearners Anonymous can help you if you think they fit. There's also Adult Children of Alcoholics, if you've had any ACA and/or dysfunction in your family. Many people in ACA and the other 12 step programs have mental health issues or their family has them. I just think 12 step programs are amazing, and they're free for the most part. Tons of resources, and tons of different people to help so you can find the right fit.

SummerOnTheWay1 · ‎11-26-2025

Linda @LindaW335461 , thank you SO MUCH for stopping by to "support" OUR Stephen!!!

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** LINDA

@LindaW335461 wrote:
Hi Stephen, Sending good thoughts your way. Have you ever tried any 12 step programs? There's a million programs for everything- not just for alcohol. Maybe Debtor's Anonymous or Underearners Anonymous can help you if you think they fit. There's also Adult Children of Alcoholics, if you've had any ACA and/or dysfunction in your family. Many people in ACA and the other 12 step programs have mental health issues or their family has them. I just think 12 step programs are amazing, and they're free for the most part. Tons of resources, and tons of different people to help so you can find the right fit.

LindaW335461 · ‎11-27-2025

Thanks so much Nicole!! Happy Thanksgiving

agoyer · ‎08-13-2025

@Stephen74Utah I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mom and the subsequent challenges you're going through. Thank you for everything you did for your mom - you sacrificed a lot to do so, and I'm sure she was grateful.

It sounds like you are experiencing very difficult grief - your best friend has passed on, and you've also lost the role as her caregiver. Have you received any grief counseling? I'd highly urge you to try to get some 1:1 counseling if possible. Do you have health insurance? Medicaid? If so then you should be able to find a counselor who knows how to help with grief. In addition, you could to a free grief support group - either in your local area or virtually online. One option is to check into www.griefshare.org - Griefshare offers free grief support groups both in person (you can do a zip code search for your area on their website) or virtual group meetings online.

Another option is to call the funeral home that handled your mothers' remains and ask if they have a list of local grief support groups.

In addition, you're struggling with finding a place to live and not having an income. It might be that you would qualify for Social Security disability payments. You can call and make an appt at your local SS office to ask about any support you might be eligible for.

In terms of housing, I don't know your age, but if you are an older adult you may qualify for some senior housing in your area. You can contact your city or county housing office to ask about that.

I'm so glad you are here! Please respond with more specifics and any other questions so we can see how we can help. @JaneCares may have some additional suggestions!

Sending you comfort.

Take care,

Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert