AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - Re: Loss of a spouse

jays172169 · ‎03-11-2022

Hello everyone. I'm Jay, and on July 7th 2021. Eleven days from my 40th wedding anniversary, I was driving my wife to a doctor's appointment do to pain she was having in her legs. We live 8 minutes from the doctors office. After leaving the driveway to my house, I came to a stop sign and said Stephanie, are you alright... She said ah ha. And died from a massive cardiac arrest in the front seat of my truck. It took less than 3 minutes before I made it to the hospital emergency room. There was nothing they could do for her. So I will tell those of you out there that have lose a loved one! It's very very hard... But stay strong 🙏 anyone who wants to chat off line. My name is Jay, [Personal phone number removed for your online safety - please use the Private Messaging function provided on the community]

lgrask · ‎05-29-2023

Hello Jay -

God works in mysterious ways. My step- brother’s daughter committed suicide 2 months ago, and 3 days ago his wife passed away. He isn’t my natural brother but we feel like we are siblings. He’s in Chicago & I’m in LA. I’m disabled and can’t fly out for the services.

My dilemma is this. I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person. I cannot get past what he must be feeling to the point that if I try to think what to say to him I start crying and my mind goes blank. Do you have any idea what I could possibly say to him? I’m afraid I’ll start sopping on the phone but I know he’s waiting for a call from me.

I’m also so sorry for the loss of your wife. Your situation must have been more than your heart or head could handle.

this post just appeared on my cell phone out of no where when I wasn’t on AARP or searching for this topic.

Any help you can give me would certainly be something special.

so sorry to bother you-

but life doesn’t seem to care when tragic situations appear.

Thank you for reading this.

i can give you my telephone # if you want offline.

SueS788527 · ‎05-29-2023

I just read your post and wanted to offer my condolences to you on your family's losses. One loss is hard enough, but multiple losses are much harder. I have been dealing with husband's death for over a year and it still is difficult. My own experience has been to seek support from trusted sources so that you can freely discuss your feelings. It is important for you to feel that someone else is listening and perhaps can be a sounding board for you. A religious organization could be a good starting point or one of the local grief counseling services offered by GriefShare (which is excellent) or a hospice (VITAS, Capital Caring, etc.), which I believe offers services to all who experienced your type of losses not just those who used their hospice services. Many of these sessions are streamed so that makes it easier for you to join in. Don't try to go through the grievance alone. There is support out there and I strongly believe it will help you in this difficult time. Regarding what to say to your stepbrother, I would make the call and listen to him and find out what he is feeling as well. It would be hard to give advice since you two are both struggling with the losses and probably could provide moral support. He should also seek counseling support as well and then share information with you. It could be a constructive way to continue the discussion in a meaningful way. I personally have learned a lot about myself and how to understand how grief works and what to expect. Also, please take care of yourself as well, including staying hydrated, eating reasonably healthy meals, getting enough sleep, etc. Consulting with your doctor probably could be another good source of information to help you during this time as well. I wish you all the best. This forum is also a good source of information and sharing. You are not alone. Sue

Janiceww6254 · ‎12-17-2022

Hi Jay,

This is janiceww6254 if you would care to message me I would be pleased to speak to you.

My husband died on 9/19/22 and this is going to be a very hard holiday season for me.

jays172169 · ‎05-24-2023

Hi Ms. Janice.

I don't know if you remembered me? I wrote about my wife Stephanie. I'm coming up on 3 years in July, why is loosing a spouse of almost 40 years seem harder than loosing a parent. It's really so hard day to day. I even tried to meet females online! Just not the same! All the females that I have met online just want money. Lol. My email is day_131@yahoo.com and my cell number is 281-905-7703. Thank you for listening

Janiceww6254 · ‎10-29-2022

Hi Jay,

I am so sorry for your loss.

Yes, it is very hard I lost my husband almost two months ago and I am having a difficult time. He was at home with me for the four months before he died. All of that time, fighting Melanoma, with a lot of pain. The last four days he went to the Hospice House because I could no longer control the pain at home. It gave us time to talk and be together. We cried together and he would say "I don't want to die and I don't want to leave you." I guess God had other plans for both of us.

Janice

JanR951935 · ‎07-20-2022

i have found my grieving to be odd maybe because he was so terribly sick and just died in April but there is an aloneness and a waiting for him to come here and discuss what just happened that day, I'm not insane I just forget at times that he is not here. Wishful thinking. One of the things that I think heiped me was my faith and a letter from him telling me how great I was for him. This is a letter I think everybody should take the time to write to their loved ones because words disappear. I'm so glad he put it in writing for me to view when I miss his telling me. God bless you Jay, My husband passed in my arms. I'm thankful he was not alone to make this journey. Thank You God.

RobertW865566 · ‎03-29-2023

I lost my husband 03 18 2023 at 10:11 am. He was at the airport about to board a flight to Boston where I would meet him and we would drive back to Bangor, Maine where I had been working on a contract. He was 53 years old and his death was sudden, swift, and unexpected. He was alone and there was no way I could get to him in Atlanta, GA. In my mind, he was alone and afraid. I miss him in every breath, every day, and in all things. We were married for 30 years. As I read through this forum, I can truly feel everybody's pain. And, I feel like we all experience a range of emotions but acceptance comes slowly. Anyway, I replied to you Jan because aloneness is what I mostly have experienced in the past 10 days. I'm not alone because my adult daughter visits often and people call daily; but, I'm lonely and untouched.

g502233c · ‎07-20-2022

Sorry for your loss , I lost my husband 10 months ago, and I could have never imagined having to go through this he was just 56. It's still a day by day and sometimes an hour by hour moment. I'm trying to hang in there. I hope the best for you and your future. Just got this forum today, I don't have anyone that truly understands this to talk with.

SueS788527 · ‎10-20-2022

Hi, I think you will find this Grief Forum to be very helpful since you are interacting with others who are also going through a loss. That makes a big difference. Journalling has been helpful to me as well. Also, if so inclined think about a faith-based grievance program, like GriefShare. They partner with local churches who are dedicated to help you and provide advice on how to cope with issues based on input from others on this journey. It will take time to rebuild while still remembering your husband. It is hard but you will find that we are going through this healing, hopefully with hope and a new purpose in life. I wish you all the best.

CarolynS674392 · ‎10-20-2022

I understand. I lost my husband nearly 2 years ago and it's awful. It's so hard. He and I really had the best relationship. He died very suddenly of a heart attack at 68. I am in my fifties. I have supportive family and friends. His family has helped and supported me. But the frequent calls do dissipate. It is lonely. Sorry that you don't have anyone to talk to. I am here. I just joined this site today. Talk to me here if you like.

James52040 · ‎10-22-2022

I lost my husband of 35 years on Oct. 10th. Still a fresh wound to me. He was suffering from congestive heart failure & in Hospice care at home for 5 months. I had help but took care of him 24/7. It was exhausting but glad I did it. He wanted to die at home. My heart is broken. I have no family where I live & it's so lonely. Cheryl

Janiceww6254 · ‎10-29-2022

Hi Cheryl,

My husband left me a little over a month ago. I, too an alone in this area, it is really an issue. No one to talk to about your day, how do I look, do you want to go to dinner, or what would you like for dinner. My family is in another state and I just don't know what to do. Cry a lot and just feel so lonely.

Janice

SueS788527 · ‎10-29-2022

Hi, Janice, I strongly encourage you to seek out others in a grief support group through a hospice, Stephen Ministry program, or GriefShare. They will help you to let you know that you are not alone during this time. Also please consider journaling as well. It helps to get your emotions out and crying is actually a reflection of your deep love for your husband. At the same time, take care of yourself - stay hydrated (yes crying will dry your system out), rest, eat something you enjoy, move around, etc. I have been going through similar feelings as you and unfortunately many of us feel we are alone. But we are not alone. Support groups of your choosing are very important, and you will feel there are other kindred spirits out there. Please stay strong, you are braver than you think. Also think about taking a Surviving the Holidays workshop through GriefShare, which I am doing this year. You don't have to be a Christian to join one of their sessions. The main thing is to keep moving forward. Hard but you will find you can do it. Wishing you the best.

CarolynS674392 · ‎11-04-2022

I went to Griefshare for a time; actually, I went through the 13 week sessions a couple of times and found it quite helpful. I met a friends through it and I suggested it to another acquaintance who has become my friend. Yesterday, I spent some time crying and I felt better after taking my wonderful dog for a walk. It was very nice weather. I know it sounds lame, but things like that can help. Sometimes, I just need to cry. Other times, I'll write/journal. Never liked that suggestion but it does help a bit.

CarolynS674392 · ‎11-04-2022

Eating alone is a challenge. I used to cook great meals for him. We would pray, thanking God for our meal and then he would add "Thank you for this wonderful meal made by my wonderful wife." We appreciated the other in our life.

FLOJO · ‎04-02-2022

Jay. believe me, I understand the pain. You've lost half of yourself. I woke up at 4 am and discovered the love of my life, beside me in bed, dead. It's been almost four months, now, and I'm still crying, but I know he was happy. We never had money or possessions. We had love in abundance. We had each other. He got all the wishes he wanted about how to live and how to die. Few of us are so blessed. He was only 80. We enjoyed 53 years of love. Every day we embraced and said I love you. Every night we kissed and said goodnight, sweetheart. He never lost his freedom, his dignity, his independence. Whatever he needed, I provided. He was loved. He spent his days wrapped in a blanket, sitting on the couch, left arm outstretched, petting his cat and the cat purred and purred. It was getting harder to get necessary jobs done because we were both old, weak, and sick. I looked into making a move to a place where we could get more help. I asked my beloved what he thought of making a move. He said no. He wanted to spend the rest of his life right there, in our home. He died the following week. When I thought about how very different things would have been if I'd died and he'd been left alone. A very, very bad situation. No way could he have stayed home. He'd have faced all the jobs I am now dealing with and it would have been so very hard. I am the strong one. The love of my life has gone on to Heaven and I am still crying. Is it possible for someone to have a premonition of impending death? I wonder because in past months he dreamed many times that he was with his mother who had gone before him. He gave me an anniversary gift 11 days before the happy day came. He knew our wedding day. This would have been 54 years of joy. I can be grateful and happy his death was gentle and peaceful, in bed beside me, but I am still crying. I think I shall cry for my other half, forever.

jays172169 · ‎04-15-2022

Hello it's Jay. Just stay strong 🙏

DPrim · ‎04-15-2022

How do you go on? I have many similar memories. He was my one true love, my soulmate of 31 years. He too spent many hours petting his cat of 17 years, who joined him three weeks later. We both had COVID and after two weeks were finally getting better. Than one morning I awoke and he had passed while I slept! I didn’t get to say goodbye. I just want to be with him. I have no family nearby and no friends at all. Just me and my 12 year old cat Winnie. If not for her I would happily join him. Soon the money will run out and I will be homeless. In the year since I lost him I have barely left the house. So many things I know I should do but am overwhelmed with depression due to my autoimmune disease.

SueS788527 · ‎03-26-2022

Hi, Jay, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, which seemed sudden and unexpected. That type of end of your loved one must have been very difficult to understand and even more difficult to accept. I lost my husband in October 2021 and am still very sad and feel empty. I think my husband will always be in my heart, but I also know I have to learn how to live without him. Since you are a younger man, I suggest that you look into Grievance Support groups that focus in on younger widowers and widows. I have found it more helpful for me to talk to people who have experienced some of the similar trauma that I went through. Talking in generalities hasn't worked for me. Reading articles help as well. Hopefully, you can get support from your friends and family but I have found that may not always happen the way you expect. Please give yourself time and consider journaling when you feel anxious or any other intense emotion. May you find peace and acceptance. Good luck, Sue