Loneliness or alone-ness

[nelsjm]

Would love to hear others thoughts on this topic...

I work full time as a nurse so I have a lot of social interaction there, but am not socially active with co-workers as very few are: 1. single and 2. over 50.  I live out in the country, alone. I do not have children.    And do many activities alone such as hiking, riding my motorcycle, camping. 

I do not feel lonely,  but I worry that I am isolating myself and may regret not being more social as I age.  Particularly after I retire ( still 9 years away).I do have a few friends, but they don't live particularly close by, and I do make sure to get out with them 2 or 3 times a month.  I am not religious and joining a church isn't an option for me. 

What are you other single folks doing?  Give me some advice!  Thanks.

Jypsy Janet

[ASTRAEA]

@nelsjm - Although you may click "reply" to a specific post, there's nothing automatically put into your response that identified the post or person to whom you're writing! Whenever there are multiple people posting to a thread, the best things to do if you are responding to a specific post/person, is to start with @theirname. As soon as you type the @, you'll get a drop-down list with the others participating in the discussion, and you can click on the one you want .. and don't have to worry about misspelling their screen name.

I've been involved with numerous organizations over the years, and they often don't have the best system of communications, nor are they very organized .. especially the small ones. If they have a website, responding to the "contact us" feature may not be assigned to a single person, and whoever reads it, doesn't necessarily pass the names of volunteers on to the right person. It may be worth a phone call .. or it can tell you whether you want to belong to a disorganized group or not, even if they do support a good cause. And yes, sometimes it can be very cliquish!

[SassiLady]

@ASTRAEA

Oh wow! I got to this topic in a round-about way and glad now I did as this tip was great. I have been trying to figure out how to do this since they changed things, again.

I also have relocated for a second time and live in a rural area. In two years I haven't made any friends here and though I have always loved living alone I do need some social life. Alas! I don't see it happening. 

[ASTRAEA]

@SassiLady - I think there's a place where AARP put their tips on how to use Online Community, but it's not easy to find without searching, and I also think everything's just listed randomly, which makes it very time-consuming. 😞

Any chance you could move closer or into a town? Might be better to do it before inertia sets in.

[SassiLady]

@ASTRAEA

Not an option, it's a long story, my mom would say "you made your bed, now you must lie in it". I am a 15-20 min drive to doctors, shopping etc. I pray every day that I can still drive myself and also asking Him to help me make the decision to move in with my youngest son and his wife, who have asked me. Right now I am living with my oldest and his female partner. They go their own way and I go mine. She is not sociable to me and if I had known how she was and her "issues" I would not be here. I paid for our place and put my son's name on it for reasons of making it simpler if anything happened to me. I wanted to save him the rent/mortgage as I knew it would be difficult for him financially. Now I am stuck in a situation that I cannot change, at least not immediately. I have told him that he lied to me by 'omission'. Which of course he denies. Well if he had been up front with me I would not be here now.

Right now I am dealing with a bunch of health issues and hoping they can come up with what is wrong with me soon. Perhaps then I will be able to make a decision.

Enough of my venting.  How are you doing. I miss the stories so guess I need to go search them out. Thanks for your interest.

[Calhounwoman]

@SassiLady,Hi, SassiLady! I just stumbled on this topic and wanted to know how are you doing.  

Are able to use any senior support services in your area/community?  Is AARP in your area?

[SassiLady]

@Calhounwoman

@ASTRAEA

I seem to still be stuck in the same old place. Unfortunately many health issues are keeping me busy, hmm, I would rather be doing things with friends, of which I have none in this area.

I am busy seeing doctors and having tests and we have made some progress but not as much as I would want.

I am still thinking of moving in with my youngest son and his wife but want to try and get my health issues settled before I have to go changing doctors since they live 250 miles from where I am, but in the same state. I stayed with them when I first moved here and they insisted they take me everywhere they went and my dil took me every where she went when my son was at work. I should have listened to him when he told me to keep my money in the bank and use it for myself. I know that she will be there for me to drive me when I can't drive myself any longer etc. She has been great. On the other hand the one I am living with thinks I can do things when it is convenient for him to take me if I can't drive myself. Stupid, stupid son and can't believe I raised him. Certainly not like this. Forget his partner as she does not like me. She thinks I should buy things for the house to save him money and all that while she sulks and pouts like a spoiled teenager until she gets what she wants whether he can afford it or not. I also firmly believe that she was NOT raised to do any type of housework at all. I am not obsessive but on the other hand I do not like living with a slob. Sorry but I had to vent.

All in all I am surviving and keeping my sense of humor about everything. I wish my youngest had been more forceful in what he said to me and also wish that I had had more interaction on this site before I made the stupid decisions that I made. Oh well they never promised us that we would get smarter as we got older.

[nyadrn]

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@SassiLady wrote:

@Calhounwoman

@ASTRAEA

I seem to still be stuck in the same old place. Unfortunately many health issues are keeping me busy, hmm, I would rather be doing things with friends, of which I have none in this area.

I am busy seeing doctors and having tests and we have made some progress but not as much as I would want.

I am still thinking of moving in with my youngest son and his wife but want to try and get my health issues settled before I have to go changing doctors since they live 250 miles from where I am, but in the same state. I stayed with them when I first moved here and they insisted they take me everywhere they went and my dil took me every where she went when my son was at work. I should have listened to him when he told me to keep my money in the bank and use it for myself.>>

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Nothing is promised in this life esp tomorrow..  being unhappy does not help with any health issues.  There are good doctors and facilities everywhere.. make the move as soon as you can.  Make sure you have your documents current including power of attorney etc in case you will need assistance during any type of illness care and you want to make sure the right family member is making decisions for you.  Just my opinion   Best of luck.

[SassiLady]

@nyadrnYes, very good advice, in the meantime my oldest and his 'wife' are going to be away for five or six weeks. They are leaving the beginning of June and I am really looking forward to being alone, well as much alone as having the company of 2 dogs, 1 cat and 3 chickens, will allow.

[Calhounwoman]

@SassiLady, @ASTRAEA, Sassi, don't be so hard on yourself!  If you hadn't made the decision to move in with your older son, you would never have known what was going on with him and his wife.  At least now you know, and you can still figure out your next move.  At least you are not forever stuck there; you have options!

Forgive yourself for being a loving and supportive PARENT.

[SassiLady]

@Calhounwoman, @ASTRAEA

Thank you, I realize we tend to forgive others but never ourselves.

[ASTRAEA]

@SassiLady - I hope that your screen name means that you're resilient, and continue to enjoy life, despite the situation you're in.

Yours isn't the first story I've heard about a parent being encouraged to move in with an adult child's family, where things didn't pan out the way they expected. When a widowed friend-of-a-friend sold her house, she gave her married child a big chunk of the money to "modify" their home, to create an suite for her. A non-driver, she moved from a walkable neighborhood in which she knew everyone after living there 40 years, to a car-required suburb, where she was alone all day while her child & their spouse worked, and her grandchildren were in school. She was expected to do the housekeeping & laundry, and then mind the spoiled children, until their parents came home.

It's an unfortunate object lesson for everyone else to note. No matter how much we love family members, and thing they respect & love us too, it's wise to run these sort of big dollar/life affecting options by an attorney .. even if it costs some money for their expertise. Getting unbiased alternatives to help us make good decisions, and having the documentation to protect us, is worth the investment!

[nyadrn]

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@ASTRAEA wrote:

@SassiLady - I hope that your screen name means that you're resilient, and continue to enjoy life, despite the situation you're in.

Yours isn't the first story I've heard about a parent being encouraged to move in with an adult child's family, where things didn't pan out the way they expected. When a widowed friend-of-a-friend sold her house, she gave her married child a big chunk of the money to "modify" their home, to create an suite for her. A non-driver, she moved from a walkable neighborhood in which she knew everyone after living there 40 years, to a car-required suburb, where she was alone all day while her child & their spouse worked, and her grandchildren were in school. She was expected to do the housekeeping & laundry, and then mind the spoiled children, until their parents came home.

It's an unfortunate object lesson for everyone else to note. No matter how much we love family members, and thing they respect & love us too, it's wise to run these sort of big dollar/life affecting options by an attorney .. even if it costs some money for their expertise. Getting unbiased alternatives to help us make good decisions, and having the documentation to protect us, is worth the investment!

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Good points!!  

[doglover52]

 Hi Janet,I'm the only member of my family who chose to stay&live here in my hometown,Buffalo,NY because of my job,worked in local hospital as pharm tech part time for 27yrs.

Over the years,I've made friends,some of very close to me ,they are my 'Bflo family',I see them all the time,some are close 'church friends". I would be lost without them in my life.

When I was working,on my 2 days off,I would volunteer in the mornings,still continue doing it since I've been retired.I like to stay busy.

Aren't there any local clubs you could join? I think this would help you interact with others who share the same interests as you do,won't feel so isolated? Sue