AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - Reluctance to having in home care giving services

TaniaD577949 · ‎11-09-2023

I ran out of time on my other post, and would like to continue. My Mom is 92 yrs. old and lives alone. She doesn't want to pay alot for in home care, but when it's needed, and she could pay for it, why not? I understand that in home care agencies have a minimum of hours, such as 12 hrs. a week. I find that to be understandable. My Mom is really objecting because of the cost, and she also claims she wouldn't have enough to keep them busy. I doubt that, and just want her to try it. I'm pretty sure that Mom has dementia and the symptoms of her dementia show with an obsession about money. It can be annoying and embarrassing. I've had these difficult conversations with Mom about getting more help, and she starts right away with the guilt tripping comments and telling me that she feels that I'm always balling her out. Then I back off, give it time, observe, try again.... same reaction. It's very difficult to talk to her, I feel like just giving up. But if I give up my Mom will bother our daughter again for her needs. Then I hear about that. I definitely feel like I'm stuck in the middle.

jonibee · ‎11-09-2023

We only become victims if we allow it...Perhaps you could share the cost of home care if that's feasible and go over what you feel needs to be done. Tell daughter not to cave in to gramma' demands and remain neutral in the matter ..Have a sympathetic listening ear but say I don't want to take sides as I love and care for you both...Tell Mom point blank what you can do and what you can't or wont do and don't allow the guilt trip ..Its yours only if you allow it..Look into other options that may be around ..We have an Old Colony Elder service that fits different needs but you have to have an assessment to see if you qualify..Spend time with Mom perhaps doing a puzzle together or something that interests you both and Good Luck...

TaniaD577949 · ‎11-10-2023

Thank you for your reply and suggestions. I appreciate it. I'm getting kind of used to the guilt tripping as it's her same 'ol pattern of communication she does. I found out about her pattern since we've been having these difficult talks. I'd really love to go to a family therapist with her to learn how to communicate with each other, but she won't go. Yes, I have told our daughter to stand up for herself, though it's difficult for her to say no to her Grandmother, and don't take any more money from Mom. Our daughter actually is burned out, and said this has been getting to be a burden on her for the last 5 - 7 years. She has a full time job, a child, and just this year devastated with a health concern/ surgery. So, my Mom must find other sources of help at this point, and I'm prepared to have the agency send me the bill to keep my Mom from seeing it, because if she did, she'd stop it. I would like to at least arrange a consultation with the in-home care agency, (I picked one) and have them come and meet my Mom. Hoping for that next trip down. I also know of a nice assisted living place in my city, if she would move here, but I don't think that will happen. She's really against assisted living! Again, the cost ofcourse, and I know it is very expensive. Is Old Colony Elder service in CA? Yes, I would like my Mom to teach me how to play poker, her game, and to learn how to play mahjong together.