Caregiving: The Health Care Promises We Cannot Keep

[GailL1]

I was conflicted as to where to actual post this -

It belongs on this "Conditions and Treatments" board based on the individual and their wishes.

It belongs on the "Caregiving" Board based on the (other) person having to weight the outcome at the moment it happens.

So I am gonna post it in both places for discussion as to the differences in perspective.

KHN 12/12/2019 - Navigating Aging - The Health Care Promises We Cannot Keep 

a bit from the link ~ hope you will read the whole article ~

. . . . . . For family caregivers, this is a common, anxiety-provoking dilemma. They’ll promise Mom or Dad that they can stay at home through the end of their lives and never go to assisted living or a nursing home. Or they’ll commit to taking care of a spouse’s needs and not bringing paid help into the home. Or they’ll vow to pursue every possible medical intervention in a medical crisis.

Eventually, though, the unforeseen will arise ― after a devastating stroke or a heart attack, for instance, or a diagnosis of advanced cancer or dementia ― and these promises will be broken.

Mom or Dad will need more care than can be arranged at home. A husband or wife won’t be able to handle mounting responsibilities and will need to bring in help. A judgment call ― “this will only prolong suffering, there’s no point in doing more” ― will be made at the bedside of someone who is dying.

. . . . . “No caregiver I know sets out to deceive another person: It’s just that none of us have a crystal ball or can predict what the future will hold,” she said. “And the best we can do isn’t always as much as we thought was possible.” “We have to figure out a way to forgive ourselves.”

. . . . Promises can be explicit ― spoken aloud ― or implicit, understood without direct communication. Both kinds can inspire regret.

Yes, loved ones need to discuss this issue between each other - way before the close-by timing of any event BUT we all need to remember that there is no crystal ball to tell the future - We need to trust those to whom we are gonna make the final decision, when we no longer can.  Trust them to know what is the best at the time - considering everything.

Caregivers, you do the best you can under the circumstances and events that take place sometimes in the future over which you have no control.  If you do that - no regrets ! !

[DebB56273]

yes i often wonder if i will be able to do all that i have promised to my mom. God knows that I will try . I know the article says no regrets- but sometimes i get filled with shame, guilt and countless other emotions wondering if what i do Is enough- but so far she is still home and i am doing MY best!

[JaneCares]

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@DebB56273 wrote:
yes i often wonder if i will be able to do all that i have promised to my mom. God knows that I will try . I know the article says no regrets- but sometimes i get filled with shame, guilt and countless other emotions wondering if what i do Is enough- but so far she is still home and i am doing MY best!

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Hello, Deb. As I read your words, what comes to mind is my hope that you have help: either additional family help and/or paid help. That you've looked into what your mother's income can afford, such as day care or lunch at a senior center at least once a week, meals on wheels, medical transportation. Because no where does it say that you have to sacrifice your health, spirits, finances, for the older generation. we love them, we want to do right by them. And we also can enlarge the caregiving circle so we don't burn out. 

I also think its unfair for people to demand promises and unwise to give them. We can promise to do our best, to be advocates, but not to guarantee anything.

My 2 cents. Good for you, Deb, and, don't forget to put the oxygen mask on you first.

Jane