Am I the bad daughter?

[WebWiseWoman]

My mother and I have not spoken for over 20 years; we separated after she disputed my job search (online) seemed idle to her, while I tried to explain that was the new way (as opposed to knocking on doors).

We never spoke since that, ever...

My brother and half-sis have always communicated and until today, were warm relationships, including visits.

Today, my bro advised me Mom is failing due to dementia and age; we discussed all relationships including the lack mine and hers had. I told him I could and would not return (including the fact I cannot risk COVID), and he disconnected the call. As I could not reconnect with him (multiple attempts over several hours), I'm assuming he believes I am the bad daughter.

Any thoughts how to mend this relationship that means so much to me (Bro and I)?

Thank you in advance...

#StaySafe

[MedusaE76171]

What's that saying, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself."  

But if it's not about the issue between your mother and yourself and is the one you described above between your brother and yourself, then you're asking if you're a bad daughter in your brother's eyes, yes?  In which case, I can see why you'd want so much to reconnect with him and work things out.

I would think your relationship with he and your sister is important to you as it would be anyone, but especially given the loss of your connection with your mother.

Personally, I see know reason you should feel olbigated to attend your mother's home-coming or any other family event you're not comfortable with.  

If your brother loves and cares for you (and it sounds like he does) that's about you and not your relationship with your shared mother.

To answer your question, in my humble opinion: no, from this window, I don't think you're a bad daughter.  Forcing yourself to see your mother when you don't want to would be worse than not going.

Maybe your brother will cool off in a little time and things will get back to normal.  🙂

[WebWiseWoman]

Ty. Perhaps part of the reason is I'm from the MW and couldn't stay there as I felt something wrong. Then when we went to the MW with our children in the late 80s, my children (raised in Cali) asked me what was wrong with them (based on the negative words and derisive words they used).

We never returned.

So even though my Bro still has a small strain of that MW hate, we avoid that like the plaque and have had such a beautiful relationship; I feel closer to his wife than my half-sis... I am truly lost not being able to pick up the phone and talk with him...

TY

[MedusaE76171]

Maybe give it a little time and keep trying?  It sounds like he loves you too.  ♥

[GailL1]

What would you say to your brother if you did connect back to him?  

I think many times we have to weigh what is most important - to ourselves and to others.  Then make the judgement of what we should do.  Forgiveness really isn’t about the other person. It’s about YOU. It’s about you finally letting go and giving yourself the chance to heal and be set free.

Do a little reading on what exactly "forgiveness" does -

Psychology Today: Forgiveness 

Forgiveness is vitally important for the mental health of those who have been or feel victimized. It propels people forward rather than keeping them emotionally engaged in an injustice or trauma. Forgiveness has been shown to elevate mood, enhance optimism, and guard against anger, stress, anxiety, and depression.

Mayo Clinic - Adult Health - Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

The final decision is up to you but it sounds like your brother is trying to help you heal.

[WebWiseWoman]

Thank you, Gail. But I don't think this is about forgiveness in our case. There is nothing to be forgiven between my brother and me. He feels offended I won't attend our Mom's home-going, and I don't feel obligated to do so...

Thank you for your response.

Thank you for reading.

#StaySafe