Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK]

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Who remembers toys like these? Did you have any of them? I was a WWII baby so they were not available. My dad made a pull cart for me which I am including a photo of. Our youngest daughter Emma will be using the cart to give rides to her daughter who is one month old now when she is old!

This is me in the cartMy sister Diane waiting for a rideMy youngest daughter Emma

[DaveMcK]

Who remembers all of these smells? Which 3 are you favorites?

Breakfast cooking, bond fire and cake batter. 

[DaveMcK]

[nahchoo]

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people!

[kittintheartist]

I love it!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[nahchoo]

If Shakespeare had written the 3 Little Pigs & more!! Comedy to make you laugh!

[RosemaryF433825]

One word:   S U P E R B !!!!

[nahchoo]

Four ‘Senior’ women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done when in walks a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a rosebud tattoo above one boob. One lady leaned over to another and said, “She doesn’t know it yet, but in 50 years she’ll be wearing a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket.”

[DaveMcK]

[nahchoo]

An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[nahchoo]

The Internet What’s that?

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it!” I pleaded to my elderly Mother.

I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough, I thought.

“Ok,” she said, reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses. “What do I do now?”

“Now I’m going to open the home page of Google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question,” I confidently assured her.

My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?

[nahchoo]

My wife was complaining about how I'm not spontaneous or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since I'm not very creative, I had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work.

I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and then she went to touch it.

I yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat.

I think she's leaving me now. I'll probably miss her.

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

The 1969 Barracuda's photo below is similar to the blue one Mary and I bought in September of 1969! We did not have the the hood scopes!

[nahchoo]

AARP, I think you could use this as a new revenue stream! Use it as you will!

[nahchoo]

[nahchoo]

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom.

Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .'

The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .'

[LydiaN586309]

Mary's funny prayer starts off seriously, but then

takes a hilarious turn!

[nahchoo]

Okay, this is tinged with UK slang and locations but I think it should play well here. Let's see!

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “ I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife,. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

[nahchoo]

SENIOR MARRIAGE

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

The next morning, he was troubled.

“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

[nahchoo]

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he
say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you're from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen!”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”