Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[LydiaN586309 · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

Yeeeessss!

[LydiaN586309]

Have you noticed lately?

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper?  Groceries are heavier.  And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become!  This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff.  And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?  I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.  I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Several times a week I forget where I was going after I get up from my recliner!

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

SHOES

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a **bleep** sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

GOD’S IMPROVEMENT
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.
“Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in. 

Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?" 

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replied. 

"Medicine for rheumatism?" 

"Definitely," he said. 

"How about Viagra?" 

"Of course." 

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" 

"Yes, the works." 

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?" 

 "Absolutely." 

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?" 

"All speeds and sizes." 

"Good," Bob said to the pharmacist.

 "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."