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Treasured Social Butterfly
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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 131 of 146

Big Brother Is Watching

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want…
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Silver Conversationalist
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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 132 of 146

What an awesome story!!!  This actually made me tear up.  I lost my mom 11years ago and I never knew my real father.  He passed many years before my sweet MAMA.  I hate to sound like a teary ol woman.  I did enjoy your post.  Well done!!

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 133 of 146
So TRUE!!! Things sure have a way of going on!!! Cute
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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 134 of 146

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 135 of 146

This is funny and true. I have gone thru most of them.

 

A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the pocket, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the pocket of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get mud in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the mud off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have  nothing hangs out the hole in your pocket.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the mud on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize something is hanging out of the hole in your pocket.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You think you went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you pass gas out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who passed gas?

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Message 136 of 146

@DaveMcK wrote:

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Good stuff, @DaveMcK!  Big chuckles over here.  (Brrr, btw, it's to be mid 40s today... I need to get out a sweater. LOL)

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Message 137 of 146

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 138 of 146

 

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Wishing everyone a safe, happy and blessed Thanksgiving.

Lighthouse Thanksgiving Dinner
By The Lightkeeper - Mike Oliviere

The commissioners of the Lighthouse Board decided that they wanted to share a Thanksgiving dinner. So they commissioned the THREE SISTERS OF NAUSET to put together a dinner. First of all they needed a turkey, so of it was to TURKEY POINT LIGHT where they found a nice big turkey so that there would be enough for everyone to have seconds. Then it was off to HENDRY FARM LIGHT to purchase the potatoes, squash and other vegetables for the feast. The corn came from CORNY POINT LIGHTHOUSE and the beans from BEAN ROCK LIGHTHOUSE. Some salad greens were also found at CAPE ROMAIN LIGHT. Some oyster stuffing came from OYSTER BAY LIGHT and some really good cheese from CABOT HEAD LIGHT. Cranberry sauce was provided by the keeper at CRANBERRY ISLAND LIGHTHOUSE and some delicious dumplings to go with the turkey were found at DUMPLING ROCK LIGHTHOUSE.

The rolls and baked goods were made by the bakers at BAKER ISLAND LIGHT. The butter for the rolls came from BARREL OF BUTTER LIGHT. Pies for desert of course came from the pie shop at PIE ISLAND LIGHT. They included apple pie from APPLE RIVER LIGHT, pumpkin pie from PUMPKIN ISLAND LIGHT and cherry pie from CHERRY ISLAND LIGHT. Of course there was also plum pudding from PLUM ISLAND LIGHT and some delicious eggnog which came from EGG ROCK LIGHT.

Of course to cook a good meal one needs the best of pans and cooking utensils. These were provided by the crew of the FRYING PAN SHOAL LIGHTSHIP. For those who preferred a different fare, seafood dishes were provided by the keepers at FISHERMAN’S HARBOUR LIGHTHOUSE as well as some others meats from HOGS ISLAND LIGHT and GOOSE ROCKS LIGHT. The table which was made at TABLE BLUFF LIGHT looked really great when all was brought out to enjoy. There was a beautiful centerpiece of fresh flowers that came from FLOWERS ISLAND LIGHTHOUSE and some fresh oranges from FORT ORANGE LIGHT.

Beverages were in abundance with finely brewed beers from BASS HARBOR LIGHT and NEWCASTLE LIGHT. There was also some Irish cream which came from Ireland’s BAILY LIGHT and some rare scotch from SCOTCH CAP LIGHT and an assortment of
brandies and wines from BRANDYWINE SHOAL LIGHT.

When all sat down, a thanksgiving prayer was said by the Bishop from BISHOP & CLERKS LIGHT and everyone enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Message 139 of 146

@DaveMcK  Very clever indeed. Smiley Happy

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Message 140 of 146
 If this is not open click the arrow by the word spoiler 
Spoiler
He Demanded His Wife To Bury Him With All Of His Money... So This Is What She Did Instead
 

He worked hard every day of his life, which left him feeling entitled to the money he had earned. He felt no desire to give it away. He wanted to keep it to himself.

Guided by that line of thinking, when it came time for him to ask a dying wish, he asked his wife to bury him with the remainder of his money. She wasn't into the idea of granting him his miserly wish, so she came up with another brilliant idea.

“There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money," his widow wrote. "He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, 'Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life.'

She promised him that she would bury him with all his money in the casket with him. And then he died. As the ceremony was coming to a close, the undertakers began to close his casket. Before they could his wife yelled out "Wait a minute!" She had a shoebox with her, which she placed in his casket. The undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said to her, 'I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.' She said, 'Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him.' 'You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?' 'I sure did,' said the widow. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.' Clever!
 
Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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