Funny Stories and Life Experiences

[DaveMcK]

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 ‐‐------------------------

[DaveMcK]

There are some honest people in this world! This is long but worth the read.

Waiter returns $424,000 check to customer who stiffed him

When a retired New York woman left her $424,000 cashier’s check at a local pizzeria, she said she felt her “world just collapsed." That is, until an unlikely hero came to save the day: the very waiter she burned with no tip and a sassy note.

After looking at a condo she hoped to buy, Karen Vinacour, her daughter and a real estate broker went to the historic Patsy’s Pizzeria in Manhattan to grab a slice of their signature brick-oven pizza — the same pizza enjoyed by the likes of Frank Sinatra, Al Pacino and even Justin Bieber. Tucked in a white envelope was a cashier’s check with the money she received from selling her last apartment. Vinacour, 79, planned to use the funds to put a down payment on what she hoped would be her brand new home.

That day, Armando Markaj, a pre-med student working his way through school, was assigned to their table. As the group enjoyed their lunch on the busy Saturday afternoon, the mother-daughter pair pointed out to Markaj that, out of all the framed photos of the owners with affluent customers on the wall, there seemed to be very few women.

“Maybe women don’t eat a lot of pizza?” Vinacour recalled Markaj replying.

Vinacour and her daughter were not amused, or pleased, with Markaj’s response.

“Well, my daughter’s kind of feisty and she didn’t like that,” Vinacour told the New York Daily News. Instead of leaving behind a decent tip, the pair left a note that read, “I guess women don’t tip either.”

%facebook-url="https://www.facebook.com/PatsysPizzeria/posts/10153760353353385:0" columns="1" posttype="post"%

Unbeknownst to Vinacour, something else was left at the table as well: her half-million-dollar Citibank check.

“We’d pulled out my papers to go through all the financials again,” Vinacour told the New York Daily News. “I had no idea we left it behind.”

Markaj was cleaning up the table when he noticed a folded white envelope. “I just pulled up the flap and I saw ‘Citibank’ and thought it was important, so I ran out to the street to look for her, but she was gone,” Markaj said.

When he finally took a look at what was inside, it took him by surprise. Not knowing what to do, he called the store’s owner, Adem Brija. “He called me immediately and hands me this check and I was like, ‘Oh my god.’ I didn’t want to put it in my pocket it was so much money,” Brija tells Yahoo Lifestyle.

While the check had Vinacour’s name on it, Brija and his father Frank, who owns the entire Patsy’s chain, had difficulty tracking her down. “A few names and numbers came up online, but I didn’t want to risk calling the wrong person with this kind of money,” the 30-year-old store owners says.

“We decided we would hold on to the check for a couple days to see if she would drop by or if we could find her ourselves,” says Brija, adding that they planned to drop it off at a local police precinct if they hadn’t heard anything by May 10.

Meanwhile, Vinacour and her daughter became distressed when they discovered that Citibank could not begin the process of cancelling the check until three months later. That was when Vinacour said, “My world just collapsed.”

The former social worker has spent most of her retirement volunteering with charities to help underprivileged women and children. After selling her apartment, she was staying with friends and bouncing around from place to place while trying to get the financing to purchase a home. Even with a large down payment, pension and solid credit history, she was struggling to secure bank financing because of a student loan she took out for her daughter years ago.

Distraught, Vinacour furiously began retracing her steps. She had her daughter search through the household trash, went to a cafe across the street from Patsy’s where they had stopped to grab a coffee and even called the real estate broker that had dined with them at the restaurant.

When Vinacour rang up Patsy’s to check if she had left it at the restaurant, she didn’t know she had called the chain pizzeria’s wrong location and was devastated when they told her they had found nothing.

“She said she had called Patsy’s and nobody knew anything about a check,” Vinacour’s real estate broker told the Daily News. “I didn’t stop to think that maybe she called the wrong one.”

When Vinacour didn’t show up a few days later, Brija decided to enlist the help of the Daily News — and the reporters tracked down Vinacour almost immediately.

Saved from ruin. https://t.co/xS8CrzTPj2An early look at Friday's front page... pic.twitter.com/iL5C2kZLXY

— New York Daily News (@NYDailyNews) May 10, 2019

“Right here in the restaurant with us, they sat there, made some phone calls and she was in an Uber and here within 20 to 25 minutes,” Brija recalls.

When she arrived, both Brija and Markaj, the waiter she spurned, were waiting at the door. “She was so happy and she was in tears,” says Brija. “But, the second she saw Armando, you could see she got a little shy.”

Vinacour apologized for not tipping Markaj during her meal and offered to tip him this time around. But the 27-year-old declined the money. “I’m happy for her, really,” Markaj told the Daily News. “Saturdays are pretty busy and I was very close to taking everything left on the table and throwing it out when I saw an envelope.”

Markaj and Vinacour made up over more slices of Patsy’s pizza. Brija even took her around the restaurant to point out all the women on the wall she had missed the weekend before, including TV host Barbara Walters, First Lady Chirlane McCray and former City Council Speakers Christine Quinn and Melissa Mark-Viverito.

“We joked with her and said we’d add her picture up on the wall,” Brija tells Yahoo Lifestyle. He says he has a laminated copy of the front page of the paper with a picture of himself, his father and Vinacour. He plans to hang it on the wall of the restaurant. “Karen will hopefully be on our wall by Monday — and in our window,” Brija says, laughing.

Although Brija admits he was hoping the check belonged to a billionaire that would reward him for his good deed, he’s glad that he was able to help someone in need.

“When you can help someone, that’s more important. Just to see the relief on her face when she got her check back. It was a heartwarming moment,” the Patsy’s store owner tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “We’re just really happy we could help.”

[DaveMcK]

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:
"Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash...
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Da Bridge is Out'?" 😜

[DaveMcK]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to your dearest friends; You will be depriving them of some good humor.

[LydiaN586309]

I found this interesting article on the Next Avenue website.  It bodes the question of just what makes us retire and/or if we're just too pooped to participate.

Downshifting From a Life in Overdrive:

Do we slow down because we retire? Or do we retire because we slow down? 

By Jill Smolowe April 29, 2019

Credit: Michael Coghlan | Flickr

Do you think that when we slow down, it’s because we’re aging or because the nature of retired life demands less of us?

I ask because, as I near 64, I look with a mix of wonder and bewilderment at the politicians, judges and entertainers who are more than a decade older than I and going full-tilt at their careers. Where do they get their energy? Are they aberrations? Or do their demanding jobs keep them young?

I ask because, as I approach retirement, I see indications of slow-down. I can’t tell if what I’m experiencing (common things like short-term memory loss, diminishing energy reserves, earlier bedtime) is a natural byproduct of aging or if it’s the unintended side effect of stepping away from the fast-paced life of a demanding job.

Am I, in other words, slowing down because I’m moving toward retirement? Or am I moving toward retirement because I’m slowing down?

It’s not that I can’t stay at my desk and crank out copy when an editor needs it. (Nothing like a deadline to focus your attention and energy.) But most days there are no deadlines beyond those I impose on my own writing projects. Unlike decades past, when nothing less than three to four hours of concentrated writing would satisfy me, I now feel sated after two hours of dedicated writing. Some days, I feel pretty drained, actually.

Is that because I’ve lost the habit of putting in long hours? If so, am I my own co-conspirator in my aging process, allowing changing habits to hasten the process? Or is this slow-down driven by biology, a natural part of the aging process that’s demanding I slow my pace, whether I like it or not?

Certainly, my disinclination to put in long hours — let alone late hours — supports my sense that I would not relish a full-time workload at this point in my life. I like my less-jammed, roomier schedule. I like having the ability to choose what kinds of work, paid or volunteer, I take on. I likehaving the opportunity to explore activities that I haven’t investigated before.

I don’t, however, like days when I have little on my calendar.

Granted, many of these are weekend days, but given the absence of a regular workweek, it makes little difference to me if it’s a Tuesday or a Sunday. Where once such an abundance of unstructured time would have filled me with joy, now it sometimes drags on me — a weight that makes me wonder if, by leaving the regular workforce, I’m accelerating my aging.

A Checklist of Interests

Certainly, I’ve made efforts to fill the expanded free time with worthwhile and satisfying endeavors. In addition to getting certified as a life coach in order to launch a post-retirement, part-time career as a grief and divorce coach, I’ve been proactive about developing the sorts of interests that retirees are encouraged to explore.

Volunteer work? Check. (I’m a crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line, a 24/7 hotline that offers support to people of all ages in all 50 states.)

Exercise? Check. (I attend Pilates classes four, sometimes five times a week. I think I’m actually more fit now than I was in my thirties when I was lucky if I could squeeze in a lunchtime yoga class once a week.)

Creative activity? Check. (Took a drawing class. Not my cup of creativity. It probably didn’t help that my drawings looked worthy of a fourth grader. I also dove into coloring for several months. Not quite sure why I’ve let that one slide. Maybe I tired of all those mandalas.)

Soul enrichment? Check. (Been meditating for two years now. More days than not, I put in 15 minutes on the proverbial cushion; once a week, I participate in an hour-long sit with a group.)

Friends? Check. (In addition to maintaining old relationships, I’ve nurtured new ones, among them my meditation and Pilates buddies.)

Grandchildren? (Not yet, and none in sight. But my husband and I did get a puppy recently. Very entertaining. The dog, that is; not the pee and poop accidents.)

All of this is supplemented by activities that I hope will help keep my brain cells active and healthy. I listen to lots of thoughtful podcasts (a substitute, of sorts, for the interesting office conversations about international and domestic issues I used to enjoy with fellow journalists). I play a few online games that challenge my speed, logic and vocabulary. (Also, hey, they’re fun.)

And I read. A lot. Novels. Memoirs. Nonfiction. As for my news diet, I swear I consume more newspaper, magazine and online articles now than I did when I was a working journalist. I’d like to believe the time I’m putting in is not only well invested, but a reflection of the times we’re living in. (All the truths I held to be self-evident while earning a BA in politics back in the ’70s are now being tested so rigorously that I sometimes feel like I’m earning another degree, this time at the Ph.D level.)

The Value of ‘Intentional Idleness’

But then I remember a friend’s father from childhood days, one who seemed older than most of the other dads. Didn’t matter what time of day I showed up to play with my friend, there was her father, reading The New York Times in the living room. I remember thinking: Doesn’t he have anything else to do?

Don’t I?

I ask because, as I move closer to retirement, I look at those septuagenarian and octogenarian politicians, judges and entertainers, and I wonder: Are they doing it right? Am I doing it wrong? Did The Beatles throw down a false marker on this “when I’m 64” business?

Then I think about what those elders’ days must be. All that running around. All that doing what they’ve been doing for the last several decades. Do I really want to keep tilting in the same direction I always have? Where’s the learning curve in that?

I have a meditation friend who speaks of “intentional idleness.” He encourages people to let go of so much busyness and slow the pace. Only when we’re not rushing through our days, he says, can we create space for the new to arise.

I like the sound of that.

 By Jill Smolowe

[LydiaN586309]

Don't wake up until ten
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy year old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I piss like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy year old. "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the sixty year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty ?" To which the eighty year old replied, "I don't wake up until ten."

[DaveMcK]

Repost I believe!

 

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

The Chief  Petty Officer was bragging to the Ensign one day. You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them.
Tired of his boasting, the Ensign called his bluff, Okay, Chief, how about Tom Cruise.

Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it.

So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Chief ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!

Although impressed, the Ensign is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. No, no, just name anyone else, the Chief says. President Bush, the Ensign quickly retorts.

Yep I know him, let's fly out to Washington.

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them over, saying, Chief, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Ensign come on in and let's catch up.

Well, the Ensign is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The new Pope, the Ensign replies. Sure, I've known the Pope a long time. So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Chief says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope. He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time he returns, he finds that the Ensign has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his side, the Chief asks the Ensign, What Happened to him.

The Ensign looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, Who's that on the balcony next to the Chief.

[LydiaN586309]

Preacher's Wife

A couple were going on a vacation together but the wife had an emergency at work. So they agreed the husband would go as planned and his wife would meet him at the hotel the next day.

When the husband got to his hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he'd got there ok.

As he typed in her email address, he made a typo and his email was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife instead. It just so happened that her husband had sadly died just the day before.

When the grieving old preacher's wife checked her emails, she read the one from the holiday maker, let out an awful, loud, piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.

At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. It sure is hot down here.

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Old Age is a Gift - I Have Decided

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body - the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 am, and sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love.. I will I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old!

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say 'no', and mean it. I can say 'yes', and mean it

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day

Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.

 Author: Unknown

[LydiaN586309]

The Weight of the Glass

Once upon a time a psychology professor walked around on a stage while teaching stress management principles to an auditorium filled with students.  As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” question.  Instead, with a smile on her face, the professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

Students shouted out answers ranging from eight ounces to a couple pounds.

She replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass doesn’t matter.  It all depends on how long I hold it.  If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light.  If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache a little.  If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor.  In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

As the class shook their heads in agreement, she continued, “Your stresses and worries in life are very much like this glass of water.  Think about them for a while and nothing happens.  Think about them a bit longer and you begin to ache a little.  Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed – incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”

The Moral of the Story is:  It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses and worries.  No matter what happens during the day, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.  Don’t carry them through the night and into the next day with you.  If you still feel the weight of yesterday’s stress, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the glass down. 

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I  planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or maybe twice.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

My theory on aging is two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Ten Kudos to this post: "A Dog's Last Will and Testament!"
Thanks Dave!

[DaveMcK]

I had no problem with the word scrambling!

There was once a lawyer who purchased a box of very rare and expensive  cigars and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a  month he smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and  without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,  the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.  In his claim, the  lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The  insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the  man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

 In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company  that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the  lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the  cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them  against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable  fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.   
 Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance  company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss  of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

 After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him  arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and  testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was  convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was  sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[LydiaN586309]

If you can read this, you have a powerful and perceptive mind. Note:  Only 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

How did you do?

[LydiaN586309]

Since you had no problem with deciphering the post, I feel it safe to declare you one of the 55 people out of a hunderd with a both "powerful and perceptive mind!"  Welcome to the club, Dave.

And the story was great.  It's good to see a cheater, liar, and a con get caught up in his own web of deceit and be outsmarted by the very folks he tried to rip-off.

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

On God’s Time

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?” and God said, “A minute.”

Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?” and God said, “A penny.”

Then the man asked, “God…..can I have a penny?” and God said, “Sure…..in a minute.”

[LydiaN586309]

This short story brought tears to my eyes...

A Dish of Ice Cream

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

“How much is an ice cream sundae?”

“50 cents,” replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it.

“How much is a dish of plain ice cream?” he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient.

“35 cents,” she said brusquely.

The little boy again counted the coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.

When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw.

There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were 15 cents – her tip.

[DaveMcK]

MARRIAGE & FAMILY

RALPH LINSALATA:

• Tell your spouse and children that you love them every day, no matter how you feel.
• Do not bring your problems home with you.
• Realize the joy that comes from helping your spouse and children excel in their fields of interest and enjoy themselves.
• Develop within your family a sense of obligation to help others.
• Spending quality time with your family — not just time — is critical.
• Choose a spouse who will understand and support you, and one for whom you will do the same. Life is much better if you can help each other grow and expand your knowledge, experiences, friends, and capabilities.

[LydiaN586309]

Life Lessons From A 90-Year-Old Woman

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

There is much wisdom to be gained from individuals of advanced age. If we are wise, we would take heed of things that they have experienced throughout their lifetime, and apply it to our everyday lives.

The following list of “Life Lessons” was written by 90-year-old Regina Brett, in the publication, The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio. It is certainly a fantastic collection of helpful tidbits of knowledge that we should all use.

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 44 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:” ~ Regina Brett

01. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
02. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
03. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
04. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
05. Pay off your credit cards every month.
06. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
07. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
08. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
09. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness, but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ”In five years, will this matter?”.
26. Always choose life.
27 Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters, in the end, is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

[LydiaN586309]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[LydiaN586309]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: Money due or dignity lost?

[DaveMcK]