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Funny Stories and Life Experiences
New topic featuring funny stories.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”
- four stars
Neither of my Grandmomter's were much into cooking. However, my mother's pies would have place very well at the Green Lake County Fair. In the Summer she would pan fry the fish we caught along with homemade potato salad or cottage fries. Loved her chicken and dumplings on a cold Winter's day.
Split Rock Lighthouse is a lighthouse located southwest of Silver Bay, Minnesota, USA on the North Shore of Lake Superior. The structure was designed by lighthouse engineer Ralph Russell Tinkham and was completed in 1910 by the United States Lighthouse Service at a cost of $75,000, including the buildings and the land. It is considered one of the most picturesque lighthouses in the United States at 110 years old.
Split Rock Lighthouse was built in response to the great loss of ships during the famous Mataafa Storm of 1905, during which 29 ships were lost or damaged on Lake Superior. One of these shipwrecks, the Madeira, is located just north of the lighthouse.
The lighthouse stands on a 133-foot (41 m) sheer cliff eroded by wave action from a diabase sill containing inclusions of anorthosite. The octagonal building is a steel-framed brick structure with concrete trim on a concrete foundation set into the rock of the cliff. It is topped with a large, steel lantern which features a third order, bi-valve type Fresnel lens manufactured by Barbier, Bernard and Turenne Company in Paris, France. The tower was built for a second order lens, but when construction went over budget, only enough funding remained for the smaller third order lens. The lens floats on a bearing surface of liquid mercury which allows near frictionless operation. The lens is rotated by an elaborate clockwork mechanism that is powered by weights running down the center of the tower which are then reset by cranking them back to the top. When completed, the lighthouse was lit with a kerosene oil vapor lamp.
At the time of its construction, there were no roads to the area. All building materials and supplies arrived by water and were lifted to the top of the cliff by crane. The lamp was first lit on July 31, 1910. Thanks to its scenic location, the lighthouse soon became a tourist attraction for sailors and excursion boats. So much so, that in 1924 a road (now Minnesota State Highway 61) was built to allow land access.
Observations on Aging
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! My theory on aging is that I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and many of the roads weren't paved.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
In a crazy kind of way... this makes a little sense!! Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, plus an exercise outdoor yard with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. Since they're older people in the rooms, fewer guards would be required thus - saving the taxpayers millions.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room, pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Not only does Harriette Thompson hold the record for the oldest woman to complete a marathon at the age of 92, but 2 years later she broke a new record by becoming the oldest woman to complete a half-marathon! Harriet didn’t start running until she was in her 50’s and didn’t participate in a marathon until she was 76, proving that it is never too late to try something new. As a two time cancer survivor, Harriette motivated herself by running for a cause. Her efforts helped to raise over $100,000 for cancer research.
This inspirational stories for senior citizens take us to outer space. On October 29, 1998, John Glenn became the oldest person to travel to outer space. He was aboard the space shuttle orbiter Discovery for a research mission, and he participated in a series of tests on the aging process. This wasn’t John’s first time in outer space, as he is also remembered as being the first American to orbit the Earth in 1962. John found his passion early on in life and worked on it continuously, staying a vocal supporter of the space program even after his retirement. In 2012, he received the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Having grown up in the poliovirus era I'm sold on getting vaccinated! Being in the US Army I was give the full course of shots and vaccinations required. Mary and I have gotten our 2020 flu shot, our pneumonia and shingles shots are up to date which are just as important for those over 55.
Wandering through corn mazes, picking pumpkins and visits to wineries and haunted houses are still on the calendar, but social distancing and face masks are part of the plan this year for many outdoor and indoor events.
- Published Sept. 17, 2020 Updated Sept. 22, 2020
Across much of the country, fall is the season of apple-picking, corn mazes, winery harvests and Halloween hauntings, luring day-trippers and weekenders to rural areas. But if summer is any guide, many fall festivities may require more planning this year to avoid the crowds.
While visitors may still launch a pumpkin from a catapult, pandemic restrictions will touch everything: Hay rides will now be socially distanced, and masked clowns will be poised to scare haunted house visitors from six feet away.
Apple-picking, pumpkin patch visits and corn mazes are fall traditions at many businesses.
In Hendersonville, N.C., 25 miles south of Asheville, the annual North Carolina Apple Festival celebrates the area’s fruit growers and has, in recent years, drawn some 250,000 attendees to town. This year, the September event was largely canceled, but area orchards remain busy.
“Down are the tour bus groups and church groups, but we’re getting a lot more families,” said Leslie Lancaster, an owner of Grandad’s Apples N’ Such, a 120-acre farm in Hendersonville that offers apple picking (pecks from $11) and has a store and bakery. “Everyone is trying to find something to do with their kids.”
The orchard, one of 20 on the regional Crest of the Blue Ridge Orchard Trail, isn’t taking reservations, but is monitoring the number of visitors to ensure social distancing, and recommending its slower hours, early in the morning or late in the afternoon, to avoid congestion. It runs a tractor-pulled train on the weekends, but has kept the jump pillow, where children may collide, closed this year.
“A lot of farms have gone to timed entries or tickets for a certain time frame to encourage crowd management,” said Suzi Spahr, the executive director of the North American Farmers Direct Marketing Association, a nonprofit trade group.
Admissions policies may vary by state or by county. In South Natick, Mass., Lookout Farm is requiring reservations for apple picking, and has shut down its train ride and play area (admission $20, including a half-peck of fruit). Pickers must wear masks, wash their hands before entering the orchard, use bags supplied by the farm and refrain from eating fruit in the orchard.
At Dr. Davies Farm in Congers, N.Y., about 30 miles north of New York City, reservations are strongly suggested for 30-minute windows, and visitors must buy a seven-pound bag each or a 25-pound bag for a group of up to six people (prices vary).
What are your favorite apples!
- Life Experiences
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things...
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 2002.
They are too young to remember the Challenger blowing up on liftoff.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced one year before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.
He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him,
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "Sure."
The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer!
Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Nothing enhances the good old days more than a poor memory.
- Funny Stories
"Will I Live To 80?" - I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."
- Funny Stories
A man just finishes his LASIK eye surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.
"So, would you like the good news or the bad news first?" the surgeon says.
The man excitedly replies, "I'll take the good news first!"
The surgeon says, "Well, you're about to get a new dog."
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