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Treasured Social Butterfly
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 91 of 169

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER: Some adult language!

Moved to Wisconsin this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the **bleep** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The **bleep** snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **bleep** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the **bleep** is lying.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a **bleep** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the **bleep** snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the **bleep** slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The **bleep** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???

-Author Unknown

 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 92 of 169

TBD

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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 93 of 169

A reminder that there is one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP'. It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understandUP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wakeUP?

At a meeting, why does a topic comeUP? Why do we speakUP, and why are the officersUPfor election and why is itUPto the secretary to writeUPa report? We callUPour friends, brightenUPa room, polishUPthe silver, warmUPthe leftovers and cleanUPthe kitchen. We lockUPthe house and fixUPthe old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stirUPtrouble, lineUPfor tickets, workUPan appetite, and thinkUPexcuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressedUPis special.

And thisUPis confusing: A drain must be openedUP because it is stoppedUP.

We openUPa store in the morning but we close itUPat night. We seem to be pretty mixedUP aboutUP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses ofUP, lookUPthe wordUPin the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takesUPalmost 1/4 of the page and can addUPto about thirty definitions.

If you areUPto it, you might try buildingUPa list of the many waysUPis used. It will takeUPa lot of your time, but if you don't giveUP, you may windUPwith a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is cloudingUP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearingUP. When it rains, the earth soaks itUP. When it does not rain for a while, things dryUP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap itUP, for now . . . my time isUP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack youUP?

Don't screwUP. Send this on to everyone you lookUPin your address book . . or not . . . it'sUPto you.

Now I'll shutUP

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 94 of 169

Do not drink and bike!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 95 of 169

Do not drink and bike!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 96 of 169

New years! 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 97 of 169

What I'm about to share here is not a "funny story."  No, there are no laughs in it.   This writing is about life experiences which have made all too real to me the value of life and love.

 

To be truthful, I already knew this before this year.  But my "knowing" was a head knowledge thing.  You see the full reality of it came to the fore as I experienced it for real.  And this is what I learned this year for sure:

 

There is no job, no amount of money, no mass of possessions, no houses or lands, or any other "thing" that can take the place of good health or a true love lost.  For who would not pay any amount of money or trade whatever possessions they had to gain a healthy body and to be able to live a life in full health?  And which one of us would not return every bit of inheritance or life insurance benefit, in exchange for the return of the one who departed this life while holding our heart and undying love tightly in the essence of their being? And we...vice versa?

 

So what I am saying is live and love with everything you are and have.  Take care of you (your body/health)  and  love whomever you have been blessed to love so that they know beyond any doubt that you are "together" committed and entwined as one in a love that is unshakable even unto death itself.  Even unto death itself!

 

LIVE LIFE AS IF IT WILL NEVER END!

 

LOVE WITHOUT CEASING!

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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 98 of 169

A poem about Nurses!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 99 of 169

Hmmmmmmmm!

 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 100 of 169

It is a dogs life!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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