AARP Hearing Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Ole was walking home late one night through the park, and he sees a woman in the shadows. "$20," she whispers.....
He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only $20.
So they hide in the bushes. All of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"I'm making love to me wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Vell," says Ole, "I dint either til you shined that damn light in her face."! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
''I don't think my python weally gives a thit"lol 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with ladders hanging on off the sides, and a hose coiled in the middle.
The girl had a fire fighter's helmet on and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look and said, "That sure is a nice fire truck you have there," he said. "Thanks," the girl replied.
Then he noticed a rope was tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles! He said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie the rope to the cat's collar, I think it would go faster." The little girl replied , "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
So a guy goes to a urologist for a prostate exam.. he was a bit on edge because many of his friends had either gone under the knife or had those little pellets implanted..
The waiting room was full of patients as he approached the desk. He noticed the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a loud voice she said, "Yes, I have your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"...
All the patients in the room snapped their heads around to look at him, a now very embarrassed man..
But, as usual, he answered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change question, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours !"
The room exploded in applause.
Don't mess with old retired guys!
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker...
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100." she replies.
In broken English he says," Do you do immigrant style?"
"No". she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style/"
"No", she says , not knowing just what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No", she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No" , she says...
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks....... "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees . Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies: "You send bill to Government."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A precious little girl walks into a Pet Smart store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mither, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melted, he gets down on his knees so to be at her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and furry bwack wabbit, or perhaps that cute widdle brown wabbit over there?"
She in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her little arms, leans forward and says in a quiet voice........
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit!!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on the commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing , he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in an undressed to take a shower. Before getting into the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-so-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat! They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the comode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped herself in a sheet and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her..... ( try to picture that)
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one MOUNTED AND FRAMED !!! " 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
This out of state traveler was on the side of the road in Willmar, Minnesota. He was hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm... Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door' only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel and no sound of the engine could be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown.
But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchiker was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand appear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to death,had all he could take and he jumped out of the car and ran into town, into Wilmar.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and with his voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey. He told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the barroom and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth.
About a half hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look, Bob, there's that idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the rain." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
YOU KNOW YOU ARE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN:
10. YOU GET WINDED FROM KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.
9. YOU HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER KID CHEW THE CANDY FOR YOU.
8. YOU ASK FOR HIGH FIBER CANDY ONLY.
7. WHEN SOMEONE DROPS A CANDY BAR IN YOUR BAG, YOU LOSE YOUR BALANCE AND FALL OVER.
6. PEOPLE SAY; " GREAT BORIS KARLOFF MASK" AND YOU;RE NOT WEARING A MASK.
5. WHEN THE DOOR OPENS YOU YELL, "TRICK OR TREAT" AND CAN'T REMEMBER THE REST.
4. BY THE END OF THE NIGHT ,YOU HAVE A BAG FULL OF RESTRAINING ORDERS.
3. YOU HAVE TO CAREFULLY CHOOSE A COSTUME THAT WON'T DISLODGE YOUR HAIRPIECE.
2. YOU'RE THE ONLY POWER RANGER IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH A WALKER.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON SENIORS SHOULD NOT GO TRICK OR TREATING......
1. YOU KEEP HAVING TO GO HOME TO PEE! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like, so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tally whacker....
The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"
And he replied, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells~ lol 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania, Australia.
With his dummy one his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting..
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people ! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells..................
"You stay out of this, mate! I'm talking to that little sh..t on your lap!!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Rev.Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say...
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE !
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, "Bridge out?"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher and before school started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the stapler and stapled it to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that year.... 
SEMPER FI
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting ! 
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO" the blonde yelled back...... "IT"S A SCARF !" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
No, thank you," Maxine replies
Jim will like this one 
lol
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Prayer is the best way to meet the Lord....I agree
But trespassing is even faster ! l never thought of it that way lol
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Prayer is the best way to meet the Lord....
But trespassing is even faster !
Tee Shirt.......
"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up...
Fortune cookie message:
"That was not chicken!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took it from him and asked him not to do that.
"Why" my grandson asked.
"Because it's been on the ground and you don't know where it's been and it's dirty and probable has germs on it." I said.
At his point my grandson looked at me and with total admiration asked, "How do you know all that stuff? You are so smart!"
I was thinking quickly and said to him, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the grandma's test. You have to know it or they don't let you be a grandma."
We walked along for 2-3 minutes and then he said, "Oh, I get it! If you don't pass the test, you have to be a grandpa!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.
"May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No, thank you," Maxine replies. "Alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that, do they swell?"
To that Maxine replies.... "No, they spread !"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A woman is taking a shower. There is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" ... "Blind man."... The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds lady?"
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am,." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy-four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you .like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost." Bishop, would you like a martini?"
"Yes," ..."Rosary, get the bishop a martini."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?"
"Coffee's a quarter!" I told him.
"Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil." lol nell
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Henny Youngman on Homeless Guys Jokes:
A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked, "When's payday?"
He said, "I don't know, you're the one working."
A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself."
Another bum told me, " I haven't tasted food all week."
I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."
Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?"
"Coffee's a quarter!" I told him.
"Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil."
I was walking down the street and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match."... "Why didn't you just ask me?" "I don't want to talk to strangers."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Two old guys talking... One said to the other, "My 85th Birthday was yesterday. My wife gave me an SUV. The other guy says, "WOW ! that's great. Imagine an SUV ! what a great gift...
The first guy says, "YUP ! Socks, underwear, and viagra!"
"I downloaded AARP Perks to assist in staying connected and never missing out on a discount!" -LeeshaD341679
