SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

nell2 · ‎10-10-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

become taxi driver- a good one

BonnieC10 · ‎10-10-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A woman and her 10 year-old boy were riding in a cab in Sydney. It was raining, and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy, "What are the women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work." she replied.

The taxi driver turns and says, "Why don't you tell him the truth?" They're hookers and they have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mum?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "What happens to the babies these women have?"

Without batting an eye she said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

dustbusterz · ‎10-09-2011

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

dustbusterz · ‎10-09-2011

Make women happy - Demerit Point System explained

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed ....................+1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5

* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

* in the snow...............+8

* but return with beer..........-5

* and no liners....................-25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night....... 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

* You pummel it with a six iron...........+10

* It's her cat.........................-40

HER BIRTHDAY

* You take her out to dinner................ 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

* Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

* Go with a pal.........................+5

* The pal is happily married............+4

* Or frighteningly single...............-7

* And he drives a Ferrari...............-10

* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

* You take her to a movie...............+2

* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

* You take her to a movie you hate......+6

* You take her to a movie you like......-2

* It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable pot belly.............-15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...............................+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)

* She asks, "Do I look fat?"

* You hesitate in responding.....-10

* You reply, "Where?"............-35

* Any other response.............-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression...... 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..................................+100

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep....-200

dustbusterz · ‎10-09-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

You know you're getting old good one

nell2 · ‎10-09-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes

nell2 · ‎10-09-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

You know you're getting old-

dustbusterz · ‎10-09-2011

Exchange

The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. “My mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it?

BonnieC10 · ‎10-08-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

You know you're getting old when the bank sends you their free calendar, one month at a time......

Old is when you're napping, and everyone is worried that you're dead.

Live each day as if it's your last....

One of these days you'll get it right

dustbusterz · ‎10-07-2011

10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

dustbusterz · ‎10-07-2011

Ice Cream Flavors

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

nell2 · ‎10-07-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Love old Maxine ~ ROTFL

nell2 · ‎10-07-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie-

The damn funeral director would be my guess

lol

BonnieC10 · ‎10-07-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man of your House".

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert."

"After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!"

"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on some soothing music, wash my back and towel dry me and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The damn funeral director would be my guess, unless I have you cremated!"

BonnieC10 · ‎10-07-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MAXINE SAYS:

What really scares me about Halloween, is knowing that all the family holidays are coming up !

BonnieC10 · ‎10-07-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Must be Southwest ! LOL

dustbusterz · ‎10-06-2011

More Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

- This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

- It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

- We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

- Don't worry! That one is always on E...

- Get the parachutes ready...

- Drinks are on me...

- I'll have what the Captain's having...

- Hey capt'n take another hit man...

dustbusterz · ‎10-06-2011

Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

- Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

- Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

- Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

- Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

- Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

- (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

- I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

- Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

dustbusterz · ‎10-06-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

BonnieC10

AARP Village People

nell2 · ‎10-06-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz

thanks I snag a copy of this to e mail to my Jim he will get a buzz out of it

The Best Gunfighter

BonnieC10 · ‎10-06-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A Professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said," Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

It took 45 mintes to restore order in the classroom!

BonnieC10 · ‎10-06-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Nell, I'm right behind you in line...LOL

nell2 · ‎10-05-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

lets join ok - lol

BonnieC10 · ‎10-05-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

AGE IS IMPORTANT ONLY IF YOU'RE CHEESE !

BonnieC10 · ‎10-05-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

GONORRHEA LECTIM : VERY DANGEROUS

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virtulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonerrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em", and it is a terrible disease.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted the disease in 2008....but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called "Votemout". You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please pass this message on to all those bright folk you really care about, I just did.

dustbusterz · ‎10-04-2011

Good Night, Good Bye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

dustbusterz · ‎10-04-2011

The Best Gunfighter

Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much."