SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

BonnieC10 · ‎10-06-2015

I was going to go to Walmart for a few things today, but my hair turned out great, so I'm going to target instead.

BonnieC10 · ‎10-05-2015

OBAMA to the Pope:

"Harry Reid said that I should be made a saint because of Obama care."

POPE:

"That's because if it ever works it will be a miracle."

:

BonnieC10 · ‎10-02-2015

The squirrels must be gathering their nuts...

Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

The leaves have started changing colors.

Which reminds me, I need to clean out

the refrigerator.

Vampire's sleep all day,

fly wherever they want for free,

and can't see themselves

in a mirror.

Where do I sign up?

BonnieC10 · ‎10-01-2015

Ladies... it's that time of the year again... make your appointment now to get those mammies grammed!

BonnieC10 · ‎09-30-2015

Q: How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

A: Eclipse it.

I get excited about the new TV shows, because they remind me that there will always be something to complain about

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

The other replied, "I don't know,I can't see."

BonnieC10 · ‎09-29-2015

"All my life, my parents said, ' Never take candy from strangers.' And then they dressed me up and said, ' Now go beg for it.' ....

Rita Rudner

BonnieC10 · ‎09-28-2015

"Personally, I think conservatives and liberals should move towards the middle of the road. Makes it easier to run 'em over.

"I don't think all politicians are stupid...

But the smart ones are sure good at hiding!"

BonnieC10 · ‎09-27-2015

They hold elections in November because it's the best time for picking out a turkey..

BonnieC10 · ‎09-27-2015

You got that right !! lol

LaDolceVita · ‎09-26-2015

@BonnieC10 wrote:
"There should be support groups for women who can't put their dishes in the dishwasher dirty."

Haha, I definitely agree. Washing dishes before putting in the dishwasher irritates me to o end.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-26-2015

"There should be support groups for women who can't put their dishes in the dishwasher dirty."

BonnieC10 · ‎09-25-2015

The hardest part about being a bartender, is figuring out whose drunk or just stupid!

BonnieC10 · ‎09-24-2015

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color but accept God 's final word on where your lips end.

I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your clothes. I say, if you have blood stains on your clothes, you should be thinking about something other than your laundry.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-23-2015

A parrot swallowed a Viagra tablet.

HIs owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later, when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating!

"How come your sweating??" he asks.

The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

BonnieC10 · ‎09-22-2015

A Pastor, Priest and a Rabbi walked into a bar......

Literally.... they all have the super-sized goose egg on their foreheards to prove it.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-21-2015

Mexican word of the day: CHEAPEST

"My wife laughed so hard .... Che pest her pants."

BonnieC10 · ‎09-20-2015

A stark naked blonde was seen in a laundromat. When asked why she was naked, she pointed to a sign on the wall that read:

"When finished washing, please remove your clothes.

Thanks

The Management.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-19-2015

At a wedding reception I recently attended, someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life wirth livng."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death !

BonnieC10 · ‎09-18-2015

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

"I am so busy doing nothing,,, that the idea of doing anything ..which as you know, always leads to something...cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

"it's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

BonnieC10 · ‎09-17-2015

* Please excuse the four-letter words at the end of the story....

A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her Mother" so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama, " she replied, " the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!..

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language..... things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down ! You need to stay with your husband and work it out." "Now tell me, what could be so awful?"

'JUST COME GET ME PLEASE !!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words."

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh Mama,.... he used words like..

'DUST, WASH IRON AND COOK...'

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes." said her mother..

BonnieC10 · ‎09-15-2015

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. When the eulogy was over, the heart opened up and the casket rolled inside. One of the mourners burst into laughter. All eyes stared him and he said, "I'm sorry, but I was just thinking about my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist ! "

The Proctologest fainted..

BonnieC10 · ‎09-14-2015

Old age is golden, or so I've heard it said......

But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into my bed.

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup...

My glasses on the table, until I get up.

As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself....

Is there anything else, I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my youth is all spent....

Is my get up and go, has got up and went !!

But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin...

And think of the places....

My get up has been !

BonnieC10 · ‎09-13-2015

Tourist to an old Maine Fisherman:

"You know Mister, there's an awful lot of odd people in the State of Maine."

Fisherman:

"Ayuh.... but come Labor Day, most of 'ems gone."

BonnieC10 · ‎09-12-2015

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wants them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the Hell?

They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'partyatmosphere" going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see a naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right-- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely

Bill Clinton

BonnieC10 · ‎09-11-2015

LEST WE NEVER FORGET.... ALL THOSE LOST ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001

BonnieC10 · ‎09-10-2015

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone. It's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strand of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants, will be totally exposed in the end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN....IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE!

BonnieC10 · ‎09-09-2015

A "Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as " You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish." Here are this year's winning submissions:

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles..U.C.L.A.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

(to be cont.)

BonnieC10 · ‎09-08-2015

Clifford and Daisy were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout... "When I die, I'll dig my way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life, old woman!"

Neighbors feared him, and old Clifford liked that fact that he was feared.

He died at the rip old age of 98. After burial, Daisy's neighbors concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid he may indeed be able to dig his way out and haunt you?"

She said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down and he won't ask for directions."

BonnieC10 · ‎09-07-2015

HAPPY LABOR DAY TO ALL !

BonnieC10 · ‎09-07-2015

A hubby and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children !

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the hubby and the blind man decide to walk. After awhile, the hubby gets irritated by the ticking of the blind man's stick as it taps on the sidewalk. He says, "Why don't you don't put a piece of rubber on the end of that stick ? Your'e driving me crazy! "

The blind man replies, "If you had done that, we'd be riding the bus ! Now SHUT UP !"