AARP Eye Center
The wife and I were at home watching TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said:
" For God's sake ! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish ! " 
Ads seen in "The Villages" Florida newspaper.
LONG TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried her fourth husband,
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6")
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser , to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, let's put our heads together.
MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition, but walks well. 
Who gives a sh-- where Obama was born..... it's where he lives now that is the problem! 
**************************
President Obama walks into a bank to cash a check. He approaches the cashier and says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
"I am President of the USA ! "
"Yes sir, I know who your are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks , I must insist on seeing ID."
"I am urging you to please cash this check for me." Obama said
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what you can do. One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot into a cup. With that we knew he was Tiger Woods, and we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama stood there thinking and said, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank.... there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do, and I don't have a clue."
With that, the cashier said...."Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?" 
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for...
The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia, talks for 5 minutes, and is charged a million dollars. So Putin writes out a check.
Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes, and the devil tells her the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours ! The devil informs him the cost is $5.00........
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and wants to know why Bush got to call so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, "Since O'bama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call." 
Towards the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands....
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned atround, faced the congregation, and said simply...."I outlived all them as#$!& and he calmly returned to his seat. 
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack....
The undertakers tell the US Diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100. The US Diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.
The Undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home, when you could have him buried here in this religous country for only $100?"
One Diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and in just three days he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk."
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS....
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled... KY JELLY. 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examing room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist." the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder the baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:
"Survivor--- Texas Style!"
The lucky contestants will start in Keller, then to Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
Proceed to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there to Abilene,Fort Worth and Keller. Finally back to Dallas....
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 10 bumper stickers, which will read:
1. "I'm a Democrat"
2. "Amnesty for Illegals"
3. " Boycott Beef"
4. " George Strait Sucks"
5. " Re-Elect Obama in 2016"
6. " Rosie O'Donnell Is Texas Born"
7. " I Love Obamacare and Chuck Schumer"
8 " It's Bush's Fault"
9. " Islam is a Peace-loving Religion"
and the last sticker is..........
10. " I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas ALIVE wins.
Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"
Little Old Lady: " I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: " Will you tell us in your own words, what happened on the night of April 1st?"
Little old lady: " There I was sitting in my swing on my front porch , when a young man comes creeping up and sat down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he was sure friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"
Little Old Lady: " He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: " Did you try to stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't. It felt good no one had done that since my Abner died, some 30 years ago. I hadn't felt that good in years."
Defense Attorney: " Then what happened?"
Little Old LADY: " Then I was really feeling "spicy" so I said, "Take me young man, take me."
Defense Attorney: " So did he?"
Little Old Lady: "Hell no ! He just yelled April Fool ! That's when I shot the little B!@#*!! "
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived to pick her up and her mother said, "Oh, come on in. What are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?"
"Oh probably catch a movie then grab a bite to eat."
"Peggy likes to screw you know" Mom informed him.
"Uh.... really?" Fred replied with raised eyebrows.
"Oh yes," she said, "when she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred. "Yes," said the mother,"as a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip." Fred said, as he began thinking of alternate plans for the evening...
A moment later Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a full circle skirt with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
"Have fun kids," said the mother as they left...
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the door behind her.
"The Twist mom!" The @#!* dance is called the TWIST !"
A State Trooper was patroling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car on lover's lane, with the interior lights glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car and sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers the window and says, "Yes, Officer?"
The trooper asks, "What are you doing?"
The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's filing her nails."
Now the trooper is totally confused......
The trooper asks, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 21, sir."
The tropper asks, "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies......................
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises an eyebrow, but quitely serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table alone.
An hour later, the man has finished and orders three more....
The next evening the man orders three at a time again.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers"..
Finally a week later, the bartender asks him, "I don't mean to pry, but folks are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see I have two brothers, one in America, and one in Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond."
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.The bartender pours them with a heavy heart, and word flies around town that prayers are to be offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
When condolences are offered on the death of his brother, he replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I. myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An elderly man was asked by his friend, "At your ripe old age , what would you prefer to get... Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
The old man said, "Definitely Parkinson's..better to spill half an ounce of Crown Royal whiskey, than to forget where you keep the bottle !
Heck that's why sippy cups were invented wasn't it? 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A CONVERSATION IN HEAVEN..
Betty: "Hi Wanda !"
Wanda: " Hi Betty, how did you die?"
Betty: " I froze to death."
Wanda: " That's terrible."
Betty: " It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I died a peaceful death. What about you?"
Wanda: " I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my hubby was cheating on me. So I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."
Betty: "So, what happened?"
Wanda: " I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. Looked into the attic and down into the basement, under the beds and in the closets. Finally I became so exhausted, I just keeled over with a heart attack."
Betty: " Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive !" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol of the American Presidency...
It's half black, half white, and everything it does stinks!
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up the outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
BOB MARLEY'S TOP 10 WAYS YOU CAN TELL IT'S SPRING IN MAINE......
10. Pickup trucks start plunging to the bottom of the ponds.
9. Enough snow has melted that you can see the appliances in your back yard.
8. You're finally able to wax what's left of your salt-riddled car.
7. Football fans think Patriot's Day is in honor of the team.
6. Your neighbor takes down her Christmas wreath.
5. You take the snowplow off the truck so your daughter looks 'real lady-like' when she picks up her date for the prom.
4. Hannaford takes the snow tires off it's grocery carts.
3. The oil man comes only once a week.
2. Women no longer wear snowmobile boots with their dresses.
1. You can finally see the yellow lines on the road and discover that you've been driving on the wrong side all winter. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree...
Discussing things as they are said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two,
There's a rumor around that can't be true.
"That man descended from our noble race... The very idea is a great disgrace.
"No monkey has ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life."
"And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk...
"Or pass from one to another till they scarcely knew who is their mother."
"Here's another thing a monkey won't do...
"Go out at night and get on a stew.."
"Or use a gun or club or knife...
"To take some other monkey's life."
"Yes, man descended , the ornery cuss...
"But brother, he didn't descend from us!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up...
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh me boys, someone's got ta tell Paddy's wife . Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short straw. They tell him to be discreet. "Be gentle, but be discreet. Dan't make a bad situation worse."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house, knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares,"You husband just lost $500, and he is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
AND A TOP 'O THE MORNIN' TO YE!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MAXINE SAYS:
WILL YOU BE BRINGING NOISEMAKERS TO THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY? Or will you be getting a sitter?
It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom. 
I finally figured out why Leprechauns dress so funny. They're single guys who've never had a wife.
May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MAXINE SAYS:
if you find a four-leaf clover, it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Pinch me on St. Patrick's Day, and the road's gonna rise up to meet your face. 
It's OK to pretend we're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. We pretend we're GOOD on Christmas don't we?
I actually saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beer, you see all kinds of stuff ! 
St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland....
I wonder if I could get him to stop by the office?
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
May there always be work for your hands to do...
May your purse always hold a coin or two...
May the sun always shine on your windowpane...
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you...
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you. 
HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY TO ALL
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
My friend Bubba was driving down a back road in So. Carolina.....
A sign on a restaurant read:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL, LOBSTER TAIL AND BEER.
"Lordy mercy!" he says to himself....
"Them's my 3 favorites !" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A woman had just returned home from an evening church service, when she was startled by an robber. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of her valuables and she shouted... "STOP Acts 2:38 !" (Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven"
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman clamly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man, he asked the burglar.."Why did you just stand there and let an old lady yell a scripture at you?"
"Scripture?.... she said she had an axe and 2 38's!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MAXINE SAYS:
"You know times are rough, when you run into a Leprechaun at the Cash-for-Gold place."
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