AARP Eye Center
Someone recently said to me... "Don't worry about old age...it doesn't last long."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut save you $30.OO?
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers...what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
HAVE A GOOD DAY ! 
Marvin ( cont.)
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouched down behind a tombstone... I said, "Morning."
He said "No, just taking a sh--!" 
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to me... "don't" and "stop".. unless they are used together. 
I'm not attracted to a girl's mind, but what she doesn't mind. 
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual physical. She told me that I had to stop masturbating... I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you !!" 
According to Marvin ( the male Maxine)
Getting married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it isn't so hot.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises....without restricting the view.
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
Life is sexually transmitted. 
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in the meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of it's men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.. 
DARWIN AWARD WINNER
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting, had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride...
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre behavior.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days !
My grandson was pounding away on my PC one day. He told me he was writing a story...
"What's it about?" I asked.
"I don't know," he replied. "I can't read!" 
A second grader came home from school and said to her Grandmother.
"Grandma, guess what?" We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool..
"That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change the "y" to "I" and add "es"....
After putting her grandchildre to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the grandchildren getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back into bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice...
"Who was that?"
The Maine Turnpike Authority handed out "Welcome To Vacationland" informational flyers to all vehicles entering the state bearing Mass., Rhode Island, New York, New Jersey or Ct. license plates this year. Here are the rules for visiting Maine:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at, did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have a four wheel drive because we need it. Now drive, or get out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get your butt kicked, by our women.
DUMB MEN JOKES
WHY ARE ALL DUMB BLONDE JOKES ONE LINERS?
So men can understand them.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOVERNMENT BONDS AND MEN?
Government bonds mature.
WHAT'S A MAN'S IDEA OF HELPING WITH THE HOUSEWORK?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
WHY IS PSYCHOANALYSIS A LOT QUICKER FOR MEN THAN WOMEN?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mom, "Why is the bride wearing white?"
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought for a moment and said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"
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DON'T MIX YOUR MEDS......
Maxine says: "Yesterday I got my Preparation H mixed up with my Poli-Grip! Now I talk like an a$$, but my gums don't itch !
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