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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY
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Elementary school age children were given these questions:
WHY DID GOD MAKE MOTHERS?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were born.
HOW DID GOD MAKE MOTHERS?
1. He used dirt just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers and a lot of string.
3. God made Mom just the same like He made me. He just used bigger parts.
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Last year on Mother's Day, we were rushing around trying to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. We finally got everyone in the car and I couldn't find Eli.
I searched everywhere and I finally rounded the corner to go into the bathroom, and there was Eli applying chapstick to the cat's rear end!
Eli looked into my eyes and said, 'chapped'... Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right...their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly the cat didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the first time Eli had done that, or the humdreth time...
That is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been usuing your chapstick on the cat's butt! : )
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Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions?
My friends said that when my kids got married, I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's warm smile and her occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me when you get home."
One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried!
I smiled a warm smile......The torch has been passed.
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"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.......
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."
2013 version.......
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone, free internet, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, and free medicine, he will vote Democratic the rest of his life, even after he's dead.
Maxine
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PONDERISMS CONT.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glu stick to the inside of the bottle?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
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PONDERISMS
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
There are two kinds of pedestrians.....the quick and the dead.
I used to eat a lopt of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
How is it it takes one match to start a forest fire, but an entire box to start a camp fire?
If corn oil is made out of corn, and vegetable oil is made out of vegetables, what is baby oil made out of?
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An elderly lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship, holding her hat tight so it wouldn't blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me ma'am I do not intend to be forward, but do you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know." said the elderly lady. I need both hands to hold on to this hat." "But, ma'am..... you know you're not wearing any panties, and your privates are exposed !"
"Sir, " said the old lady, "Anything you see down there is 75 years old. And I just bought this hat yesterday !"
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A man brings home his best buddy for dinner. His wife screams at him, "My hair and makeup isn't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
Her hubby replied, "Because he's thinking of getting married."
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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it I found in your pants pocket." The man said, "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologized and went on with her housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with even
A bigger frying pan knocking him unconscious . Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied,
"Your horse phoned!"
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A lawyer phoned the Governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to speak to the Governor. It's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the Governor's assistant agreed to wake him up....
"So..what's so important that it couldn't wait until morning?" grumbled the Governor.
"Judge Jones just passed away, and I want to take his place." begged the attorney.
"Well, it's okay with me, if it's okay with the funeral home." replied the Governor.
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What's the difference between genius and stupidity?
ans: Genius has it's limits.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: " Sure..what are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or no."
Let us pray...........
"Give me a sense of humor, Lord.....
Give me the grace to see a joke.
To get some humor out of life...
And pass it on to other folk."
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During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
MICKEYMINNIEPLUTOHUEYLOUIEDEWEYDONALDGOOFYSACRAMENTO
When asked why she had such a lenghty password, she rolled her eyes and said, "HELLO! .... It's got to be at least 8 characters and include at least 1 capital!"
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Someone recently said to me... "Don't worry about old age...it doesn't last long."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut save you $30.OO?
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers...what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
HAVE A GOOD DAY !
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A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her huband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smiles. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you !
The hubby, typically non-romantic, replied:
"I'm on the commode, please advise."
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Marvin ( cont.)
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouched down behind a tombstone... I said, "Morning."
He said "No, just taking a sh--!"
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to me... "don't" and "stop".. unless they are used together.
I'm not attracted to a girl's mind, but what she doesn't mind.
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual physical. She told me that I had to stop masturbating... I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you !!"
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According to Marvin ( the male Maxine)
Getting married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it isn't so hot.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises....without restricting the view.
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
Life is sexually transmitted.
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The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in the meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of it's men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved..
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DARWIN AWARD WINNER
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting, had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride...
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre behavior.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days !
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THE WASHINGTON POST'S MENSA INVITATIONAL once again invited reader's to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition...
HERE ARE THE WINNERS:
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a a-- hole.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.
Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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My grandson was pounding away on my PC one day. He told me he was writing a story...
"What's it about?" I asked.
"I don't know," he replied. "I can't read!"
A second grader came home from school and said to her Grandmother.
"Grandma, guess what?" We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool..
"That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change the "y" to "I" and add "es"....
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After putting her grandchildre to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the grandchildren getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back into bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice...
"Who was that?"
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The Maine Turnpike Authority handed out "Welcome To Vacationland" informational flyers to all vehicles entering the state bearing Mass., Rhode Island, New York, New Jersey or Ct. license plates this year. Here are the rules for visiting Maine:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at, did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have a four wheel drive because we need it. Now drive, or get out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get your butt kicked, by our women.
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DUMB MEN JOKES
WHY ARE ALL DUMB BLONDE JOKES ONE LINERS?
So men can understand them.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOVERNMENT BONDS AND MEN?
Government bonds mature.
WHAT'S A MAN'S IDEA OF HELPING WITH THE HOUSEWORK?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
WHY IS PSYCHOANALYSIS A LOT QUICKER FOR MEN THAN WOMEN?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mom, "Why is the bride wearing white?"
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought for a moment and said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"
****************************************************************
DON'T MIX YOUR MEDS......
Maxine says: "Yesterday I got my Preparation H mixed up with my Poli-Grip! Now I talk like an a$$, but my gums don't itch !
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HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE A TEACHER?
1. You get a secret thrill out of laminating things.
2. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.
3. You can eat a multi-course meal in under 25 minutes.
4. You can tell if it's a full moon without even looking outside.
5. You find beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
By Jeff Foxworthy
NEW: AARP Games Tournament Tuesdays! This week, achieve a top score in Space Adventure Pinball and you could win $100! Learn More.