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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
GROANERS.......................
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me...
PMS jokes are funny period...
I'm reading a book on gravity, I can't put it down...
A soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran...
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst...
When chemists die, they baruim...
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it....
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on... 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A lady walks into Tiffany's... she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly breaks wind.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed, and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere around.
As she turns her worse nightmare materializes in the form of a salesperson standing right behind her....
He politely greets the lady with "Good day Ma'am..how may I help you today?"
Blushing, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Ma'am if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh-- when I tell you the price."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
May the light always find you on a dreary day......
When you need to be home,
May you find your way...
May you always have courage to take
a chance.....
And never find frogs,
In your underpants ! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non-racist version of "Snow White" has been put on hold...
All 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, HiJack, Liar, Cheater and Fraud have refused to sing "Hi Ho ," as they have no intention of 'Going off to work".
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I promise to take care of you when you're old....
But the first time you hit me with your cane,
I'll wash your dentures in toilet water ! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners, "The drink has killed millions....it rots their stomaches and they die in agony.
Smoking has killed millions....... it coats your lungs and you die in agony....
Overeating and consorting with women have also killed millions....."
"S'cuse me Father," hollored Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A best friend is like a 4 leaf clover...
Hard to find,
And lucky to have. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An American golfer, playing in Ireland, hooked his drive into the woods..
Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back , with a big bump on his head.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the little guy asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so waddya want?"
"Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK and I apologize" And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy." The leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again drives the ball into the woods, and the leprechaun is waiting there for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here", the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye how's your golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replies. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
"And how's ye money situation?"
"Why it's just wonderful! When I need cash I just reach into my pocket and pull $100 bills. I didn't even know were there."
"I did that fer ye. And how is your sex life?"
The golfer blushes and turns his head... "It's OK"
"C'mon now" "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" asks the little guy.
Blushing even more , the golfer looks a round and whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?? That's all?" Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest of a small parish." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been, all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied.."Sniff,sniff.... Dad..I became a prostitute.."
"Ye what? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner ! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"
"OK dad...as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex watch. And for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club......(takes a breath)..... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve aboard my new yacht in the Riviera and......
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?"says dad.
Girl crying again... "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute sniff,sniff......
"Oh Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Prostestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
In a tiny village on the Irish coast, lived an old lady, a virgin and proud of it....
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker ( who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
" BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN "
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker (postal clerk) went to prepare the tombstone that the lady requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was too small for the wording she had chosen.
For days he agonized over the dilemna. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem....
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice...
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...."YES! YES! I WON, I WON !!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know....I thought you were watching."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his makes him walk !
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
What's the difference between a Northern Fairy tale, and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time." and a Southern fairy tale begins, "You ain't gonna believe this sh-- ! "
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy, who was sittin' behind Seamus on the bike, began to holler..... "Seamus, Seamus... the wind is cuttin' me chest out !"
"Well, Paddy my lad..." said Seamus, "Why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back....that'll clock the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on and the two of them were down the road again.
After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy, and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around retraced his route.
When after a short ride he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers," he was alright when we found him here....but since we turned his head back to front, he hasn't said a word since!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
May your pockets be heavy...
And your heart be light..
May good luck
Pursue you..
Each morning and night.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
"May the wind
at your back,
not be the result
of the corn beef and cabbage
you had for lunch..
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A drunk staggers into a catholic church, enters the confessional booth, sits down and says nothing....
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
HOW IRISH ARE YOU?
How can you tell when an Irishman is having a good time?
ans: He's Dublin over with laughter.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
ans: Pati O'Furniture!
What's an Irish windbreaker?
ans: Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage!
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this father O'Malley?"
"It is!"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can !"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do !"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I have a new neighbor. She lives right across the street from me. I can see her condo from my deck.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on the door and I rushed to open it.
She looked at me and said, "I just got home and I have the this strange urge to have a good time.... Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all." Then she said, "Good ! In that case could you watch my dog?" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
This is a concept I have been developing over the past several years and wanted to get your impressions as am sure it applies to others besides me.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A 16-yr.0ld boy came home with a new SUV and his parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that truck?" He calmly told them I bought it today.".....
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a new SUV like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked if I wanted to buy an SUV for fifteen dollars."
"Oh, my goodness!" moaned his mother. "She must be a nut, who knows what she'll do next?" John go up to her house and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up to the street where the lady lived and found her out in the yard planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new vehicle for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it....
"Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back.)
He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new SUV and send him money.....
So I did.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
So, I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt that read "Guess" on it. So I said.....
"Implants?"
The #@!* hit me !!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately I've forgotten to zip up." ..
"That's not senility" replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down !"
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"Don't you realize you've had it?" replies the woman.
"Oh, sorry." says the old man, "How much do I owe you?"
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