SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

Have you ever looked at someone and just knew that the wheel was turnin', but the hampster was dead?

Caution.... when someone tells you to get a grip..apparently around the neck is not what they meant... who knew???

That my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told....

So enjoy each day, and live it up..

Before you are too old !!

[BonnieC10]

             Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife for President !!

[BonnieC10]

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen..

They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.

The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience.Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from the basement to the attic. And......... there is a note on the door reading.......

"Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newborn kid through college somehow, don't I ?"

[BonnieC10]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along side the road eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you." the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. .. "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us also."

"But sir, the second poor man replied, "I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well." the lawyer answered.

They all entered the limousine, which was no easy task. Once under way , one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "You are too kind. Taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story?

[BonnieC10]

JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS THE ANSWERS.....

If you get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses, but run by idiots...

If you have to get your parent's permission to go on a field trip or take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses, but run by idiots...

If you have to show ID to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book, but not to vote for who runs the government, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots..

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions of dollars more, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses, but run by idiots..

If children are forcibly removed from parents who discipline them with spankings,while children are left in filth and drug infested homes, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots..

[BonnieC10]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nooded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or a$$hole.... Do you understand that?"

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

"GOOD!" said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother !!!"  

[BonnieC10]

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ray."

Ray was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be !!, I've got too much to live for, send me back !"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him back to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered in feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen huh?"How's your first day here?"

"Not bad, " replied Ray the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"  "Never," said Ray.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overjoyed. As he was about to lay another egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.........................

"Ray ! Wake up !  You sh-- the bed !!"

[BonnieC10]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureacratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted..

One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went out onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I bagan bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was spent on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equiptment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came out and bashed my fingers with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I was hit and killed by the chest.

The clerk couldn't help but giggle as he directed the man to the next room.

His third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, "I doubt your last day was as interesting as the last fellow brfore you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "Picture this... I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest............"    : ( 

[BonnieC10]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying.."Greetings , Earthling We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you. The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting...Again, no response.

Pissed of at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrad saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad. "Rubbish!" repied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature !" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damned near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied. "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never fool with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear!"

[BonnieC10]

If money doesn't grow on trees....how come banks have branches?

I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle...

I have PMS and a GPS, which means I am a bitch and will find you!

Maxine says:  "Don't let aging get you down...it's too hard to get back up!"

Dog says to the cat... "They don't keep you on a leash, because they want you to run away "

Blonde staring at her PC.... "Press any key to start" she reads. "Where is the "any" key?"

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day... and may their arms not be long enough to scratch!    : )

[BonnieC10]

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles, through some pretty tough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate bear and then ran away from one engry bull Elk.The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," said the woman, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

[BonnieC10]

                                MEMORIAL DAY

                                            2013

LEST WE FORGET...........

All those brave men and women

who gave their lives

in the service to our nation....

We honor them today,

and we thank them for their sacrifice.

HOME OF THE FREE....

BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE !

[BonnieC10]

Little Sally asked her mom innocently.. "What does the word virgin mean?"

Her mom replied, "When a Mom & Dad love each other very much, they want to show how much.  " 

 "The Dad gives a gift to the Mom? " asks Sally.

"Dad does a special thing with the mom. He takes a special thing and puts it to the Mom's special place. This makes the mom happy, and then the dad gets very happy, and there is an explosion. Dad has a lot of seed and they race to see which one is first to reach mom's egg. This is called 'making love.".

"Until you do that, you are called a 'virgin'......

"I see,"   said Sally. "So, then what's extra virgin?"

"Oh sh-- !!" said the mom.

[BonnieC10]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers, and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways....

She decided she would take her lunch, and sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.. One of the workers looked up into the steelworkers and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the workers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

[BonnieC10]

Four guys were all at a deer camp. They had two cabins, two men per cabin.

After the first night, no one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided to take turns. Joe slept with Bob and came dragging in to breakfast the next a.m. "I just sat up and watched him sleep all night !!" he said.

The next night it was Mike's turn and the same thing happened.

When it was Fred's turn, he was bright eyed and bushy tailed the next morning. The guys couldn't believe it. "How did you survive the snoring?" they asked.

"Well," when we got ready for bed, I patted Bob on the butt, tucked him in, and kissed him good night.Bob sat up all night and watched me."

With age, comes wisdom.

[BonnieC10]

If you can't afford a doctor, go to the airport. You'll get a free xray and breast exam. And if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

[BonnieC10]

A girl broke up with her boyfriend and demanded the return of all of the pictures he had taken of her.

He passed her a box of photos of girls , told her to pick out the ones of her, and return the rest to him.

[BonnieC10]

A teenage granddaughter comes down stairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra....

Her Grandmother just about pitched a fit telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teen tells her to 'loosen up' Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show." And out the door she goes....

The next day the teen comes down the stairs and grandma is sitting there with no top on. The teen explains to her she has some friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

The Grandma says,"Loosen up sweetie ! If you can show off your rosebuds, I can display my hanging baskets!"

[BonnieC10]

                          CONFUCIOUS DID NOT SAY......

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly...

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent...

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg, will not find nuts...

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion...

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car, gets exhausted...

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money...

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left...

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night...

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it...

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there...

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot...

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement...

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs...

Woman who fly upside down have a hairy crack up...

A lion would not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood !!  

[BonnieC10]

                         THE SENIOR CITIZEN CHEER

What do we want?...............Better memory !

When do we want it?............. Want what???

*    Sometimes you're the winshield....

     Sometimes you're the bug .   : (

[BonnieC10]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

He placed 4 worms in seperate jars.

The first worm was placed in alcohol.

The 2nd worm in cigarette smoke

The 3rd worm in chocolate syrup

And the 4th worm in good clean soil.

The first worm in alcohol ......died

The 2nd worm in cigarette smoke .....died

The 3rd worm in chocolate syrup.....died

The 4th worm in good clean soil stayed alive !

So the minister asked his congregation what they learned from this demonstration?

Maxine, in the back of the room, raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms..." 

[BonnieC10]

A man got on a bus with both of his pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful ( you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets...

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, " It's golf balls"..

The blonde asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" 

[BonnieC10]

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

                               DA END ISS NEAR !

                               TURN YERSEF AROUNT

                                        NOW

                               BEFORE IT ISS TO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'"

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks,  "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'BRIDGE OUT?"

[BonnieC10]

A husband asked his greedy wife..."What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I would take half, and then leave you."

"Excellent" he replied. "I just won $12 bucks! Here's $6. now get out !"

[BonnieC10]

                   It's Mother's Day May 12, 2013

Don't forget to buy a bottle of wine for your mom......

Remember.....you're the reason she drinks!  

[BonnieC10]

                    HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

To all Mom's out there biological and other wise ! 

[BonnieC10]

                        IT'S MOTHER

When school is over and I run

Back to my home once more,

There's someone that I hope to see

Waiting at the door....it's Mother.

When friends forsake and I'm alone,

I am so glad to know

Of one who's always faithful

No matter where I go..... it's Mother.

When pain and sorrow are my lot,

And life seems cold and drear,

I have a friend to comfort me,

And fill my heart with cheer...... it's Mother.

And when the trials of earth are past,

And angels call for me,

There's one who still will be my friend,

Throughout eternity...... it's Mother.   

[BonnieC10]

Because I feel that

in the heavens above,

The angels whispering

one to another...

Can find among their

burning terms of love,

None so devotional

as that of "Mother".

Edgar Allen Poe

[BonnieC10]

                                    ME MUDDER !

When me prayers were poorly said..

Who tucked me in me widdle bed...

And spanked me till me arse was red...

ME MUDDER

Who took me from me cozy cot..

And put me on the ice cold pot....

And made me pee when I could not....

ME MUDDER !

And when the morning light would come....

And in me crib me dribbled some...

Who wiped me tiny widdle bum....

ME MUDDER !

Who would me hair so neatly part...

And hug me gently to her heart..

Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart...

ME MUDDER !

Who looKed at me with eyebrows knit..

And nearly have a king-sized fit...

When in me Sunday pants me s---...

ME MUDDER!

When at night her bed did squeak..

Me raised me head to have a peek..

Who yelled at me to go to sleep....

ME FADDER !

[BonnieC10]

MAXINE SAYS.....................

A Mother's love is unconditional.

But don't push it !