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As a teacher, Ms. Jones was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on Kathleen...
"Tell me, What do you do for Christmas?" she asked.
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my family go to midnight mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings."
"Very nice." she said.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class, and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Kevin Cohen, what do you do for Christmas?"
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the cadillac , then we drive to his toy factory. When we get there, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing.......
"What a friend we have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas." 
I've come to the conclusion that I am not old...
I'm crispy...
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in a parking lot.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it avoids you!
I thought I was having a hot flash, until I realized my boobs were in my coffee...
A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of Jack Daniels. The bar tender lines the up.The guy slams 'em all down, back to back. The bartender says, "Man, I've never seen anyone drink so fast!"
The guy says, "You would too if you have what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy replies, "Fifty cents." 
HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH..... DON'T TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS !
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late...but he was a good worker..really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded, a real credit to the company and, obviously, was good at demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I'm working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though- your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late?"
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee sir?" 
To all my fruitcakes....
DEAR SANTA:
I don't want much for Christmas this year. I just want the person reading this to be happy. Friends are like fruitcake in life.
Some are nutty, some are soaked in alcohol, and some are sweet. But mix them all together, and they're my friends.
Send this to all of your fruitcakes.
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship, holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me madam....I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know." said the lady.
"I need both hands to hold onto my hat."
"But Madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties, and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday !"
Black jokes and Mexican jokes are about the same.....
Once you've heard Juan...
You've heard Jamal.. 
5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Forgive your enemy, but remember the b------'s name.
2. Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes, than on a bike.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they are in trouble again...
4. Many people are alive, only because it is illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve problems, but then again neither does milk..!
My wife has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said," There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down. So what did I do? I bought her an electric chair..."
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in !"
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week, she learned how to aim it."
Henny Youngman
A man goes to the barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves.... He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves.....
He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves and , and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house !"
FLU TIME COMING
Choose your partners, one and all...
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol !
Now fling those covers with all you've got...
One minute cold, the next minute hot.
Circle right to the side of the bed...
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.
Back to the middle and don't goof off...
Hold your stomach and cough,cough,cough.
Forget about slippers, dash down the hall..
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.
Remember others on the brink...
Wash your hands, wash the sink.
Wipe the doorknob, light switch too..
By George, you've got it, You're doing the "FLU !
Some like it cold, some like it hot...
If you like neither, get the shot !!! 
A chicken farmer went to a local bar...he sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said, "How strange..I also just ordered champagne."
"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me...I'm celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating." said the woman.
:"What a coincidence." said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence!" said the man, "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"That is awesome." said the woman.
"What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster." he said.
The woman smiled and said...........
'WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!" 
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