SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

Mirror, mirror on the wall

You're not playing fair at all.

I'm really now upset with you..

For giving me a distorted view !

You show my hair is turning gray...

It's just the way the shadows play.

I know that you're not hanging straight...

To make me look so over weight!

The way you show a double chin...

Is just the way the light comes in.

I think I'm fine, but you're so wise..

To put such accent on my thighs.

I wish you'd try to be my friend...

And tell me I'm a little thin.

Just tell me I look good in jeans..

And frilly shirts and pretty things.

Please don't let the wrinkles show..

I'd like to have a pretty glow.

I see you won't respond at all...

So I'll just tear you off the wall !!  

[BonnieC10]

                    WELCOME NEW CYBER FRIENDS !

                             btv628

                             bcmrbill

May your days all include a smile !     ♥

[BonnieC10]

Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while old people's are called "Depends".

You see when babies crap thier pants, people are still gonna "Luv" 'em, and "Hug" 'em.

But when old people crap their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will..

Glad to straighten that out for you.  

[BonnieC10]

An oldie, but a goodie:

A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there his wife passed away.

The undertaker told him he could bury her in Jerusalem for $150. or ship her home for $5000.

The man said, "I'll have her shipped home."

The undertaker was surprised and asked him why?

"Because long ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!!"

[BonnieC10]

                          TRIVIAL TRIVIA

Q.  Where was the 1st drive-in restaurant?

Ans: Royce Hailey's Pig Stand............Dallas Texas 1921

Q.  Where was the world's 1st 3-color traffic light?

Ans: Detriot Michigan 1919

Q:  Where was the 1st drive-in movie theater?

Ans: Camden, N.J. 1933

         Admission  .25cents

[BonnieC10]

I do not like this Uncle Sam...

I do not like his healthcare scam....

I do not like those dirty crooks...

Or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals...

I do not like their secret deals...

I do now like this speaker man...

I do not like this 'Yes we can!"

I do not like this spending spree...

I'm smart, I know that nothings free.

I do not like their smug replies...

When I complain about their lies..

I do not like this kind of hope....

I do not like it...  nope!

                      nope!

                      nope ! 

[BonnieC10]

         WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST CYBER FRIENDS !

WayneCoe

Rascoe

JOyce 1

Kennan

               May always find a smile to complete your day.

[BonnieC10]

A husband lay dying, his wife by his bedside...

He says in a weak voice, "There is something I want to confess. I had sex with your best friend, and your best friend's mother."

"I know," said the wife. "That's why I poisoned you... now just close your eyes."

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car, when a bunch of rowdy punks pulled up along side of them.

"Hey, show us what ye got, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Mother Immaculata and say, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts...

"Screw off ye little frookin' wonkers, before I come over there and rip ye balls off!" 

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,

" Was that cross enough?"

[BonnieC10]

A State Trooper pulls over a motorist, leans into the vehicle and says, "Any drugs or alcohol?"

The motorist replies, "No thanks, I've got everything."

The word 'vegetarian' is an old Indian word for Bad Hunter.

The secret of enjoying a good wine:

1.  Open the bottle and let it breathe.

2.  If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth.

Some days the best thing about my job, is that the chair spins...

Reading, is how people install new software in their brains.

[BonnieC10]

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with family and friends.....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied.... "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all of the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer....   $15. ( If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

[BonnieC10]

I knew I was going bald, when it was taking me longer and longer to wash my face....

I knew the romance was dead, when I drank champagne out of the old girls slipper, and choked on a Dr. Scholl's foot pad.

One day you look in the mirror and realize the face you're shaving is your father's.

Laugh a little every day. It's better than chicken soup !

[BonnieC10]

                   HONEY BUCKET SLOGANS

Get a 'load' of these:

You dump it, we'll pump it.

You sh-- it, we'll get it.

We haul milk on the weekends.

Yesterday's meals on wheels.

Back off ! We ain't haulin' milk.

Got poop ?

Your #2...is our # 1.

Another load of Politicians' promises.

Satisfaction guranteed, or 110% of your product back !

A flush, beats a full house !

The Turd Bugular

Caution: This truck contains Obama's Stimulous package.

[J0yce1]

Three women apply for the same job.

They appear in front of a panel  to be interviewed.

The panel tell each  applicant that they will give them each $10,000 and they are to spend the money and report back to t he  panel.

A month later, the first woman appeared.

"How did you spend t he money" they asked

She    replied, " I used the money to take a t rip around the world, I saw many different cultures and comunicated with  people all over the world! I feel t his will benefit the company because  I now have understanding of international workplace.

The panel thanks the woman and she leaves.

The second woman appears and asked the same question.

I used the entire $10,000 to buy a new wardrobe so  t hat I may represent this company in a professional and businesslike  manner. I also bought a PC and phone,  so I may be contacted anytime, anywhere  for business matters.

The panel thanks the woman and she leaves.

The third woman appears and is asked "How did you spend the money?".

The third  woman says she spent the $10,000 by investing in the stock market!  She was successful and she gives  $10,000 back to the panel and keeps $10,000 she has made for herself!.

Now, Which of the three women was hired?  

The one with the biggest boobs, of course!!!

,<)

[BonnieC10]

                            A REDNECK LOVE POEM

Susie Lee done fell in love,

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all,

She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal..

You'll have to find another..

I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know...

But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe,

And planned to marry Will..

But after telling Pappy this,

He said, "There's trouble still."

You can't marry Will my gal,

And please don't tell yo' Mother..

But Will and Joe and several more

I know, is your half brother.

But mama knew and said, "My child,

Just do what makes yo' happy....

Marry Will, or marry Joe..

You ain't no kin to Pappy !"    

[BonnieC10]

I think that I will never see....

A billboard lovely as a tree...

Perhaps unless the billboards fall....

I'll never see a tree at all.

Ogden Nash

"Song of the Open Road"   1933

[BonnieC10]

                  REDNECK MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

ARTERY:    The study of paintings.

Bacteria:    Back door to cafeteria.

Barium:      What doctors do when patients die.

Benign:      What you be after you be eight.

Caesarean Section:   A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat Scan:   Searching for kitty.

Cauterize:   Made eye contact with her.

Colic:         A sheep dog.

Coma:        A punctuation mark.

Dilate:       To live long.

Enema:       Not a friend.

Fester:      Quicker than someone else.

Fibula:       A small lie.

Impotent:   Distinguished, well known.

Labor pain:  Getting hurt at work.

Medical staff: A doctor's cane.

Morbid:       A higher offer.

Nitrate:      Rates of pay for working at night.

Node:         I knew it !

Outpatient:   A person who has fainted.

Pelvis:         Second cousin to Elvis.

Post op:       A letter carrier.

Recovery room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum:        Nearly killed him.

Secretion:     Hiding something.

Tablet:        A small table.

Terminal Illness:  Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor:             One plus one more.

Urine:              Opposite of you're out.

[J0yce1]

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to

take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim,

Rescue Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for

storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked,

"Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to

listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and

exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

[BonnieC10]

                                        If You Live in Maine

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from Sept. to May,

You live in Maine.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there...

You live in Maine.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time...

You live in Maine.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number..

You live in Maine.

If you measure distance in hours ...

You live in Maine.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once...

You live in Maine.

If you have switched from heat to A/C in the same day, and back again...

You live in Maine.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching....

You live in Maine.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked...

You live in Maine.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them...

You live in Maine.

If you design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit...

You live in Maine.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow...

You Live in Maine.

If you know all four seasons :    Almost winter

                                               Winter

                                               Still winter

                                               Road construction

You live in Maine.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car...

You live in Maine.

If you find 10 degrees a little 'chilly'...

You live in Maine.

Jeff Foxworthy

[J0yce1]

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

Smulowitz, aged 83 and widowed, refused to be placed in  just ANY  Miami Beach old-aged home, " I   won't eat anthing," he declared to his son, " unless it's strictly kosher!":.

The son searched for weeks, and finally found a place that served meals in accordance with Jewish dietary laws. He placed Smulowitz in the  home, secure in the knowledge that his father would be eating only Kosher food.

Three days later, he came to visit and learned that the old man had left and checked into the Fountainebleau Hotel!

The boy rushed over to the hotel, got a key, went upstairs, opened the door, and there was his father with a blonde. They were both stark naked!

" Papa,how could you?" asked the bewildered son.

"But look,' siad Smulowitz, " I'm not eating!"

       ,<)

[BonnieC10]

                         RANDOM RAMBLINGS

Music is what feelings sound like...

A pretty face is nothing

If you have an ugly heart..

Remember,  your present situation

is not your final destination..the

best is yet to come.

"I have wept in the night

For the shortness of sight..

That to somebody's need

Made me blind.

But I never have yet,

Felt a tinge of regret..

For being a little too kind !

[BonnieC10]

                                      NEW YEAR'S WISHES

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist,cardiologist,your gastro-enterologist,urologist,proctologist,podiatrist,psychiatrist,your plumber and the I.R.S!

May your hair,teeth,face-lift,abs,and your stocks not fall. and may your blood pressure,triglycerides,cholestrol,your whit count and mortgage interest not rise.

May New Years' Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others soo in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make thier sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance.. and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say, "I Love You" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals,every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

                                            2014 !

                             HAPPY NEW YEAR ♥♥

[BonnieC10]

I made myself a snowball...

As perfect as could be.

I thought I'd keep it as a pet...

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas,

And a pillow for it's head...

Then last night it ran away...

But first it wet the bed !

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL .....

[BonnieC10]

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching,and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker ( who also happened to be the local postmaster) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that she had selected, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected, was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request. For days he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker alowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

' RETURNED UNOPENED'

[BonnieC10]

A preacher said to a 6 yr.old boy, "So, your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's commmendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, " Thank God he's in bed!"

                                   FUNNY FACTS

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

A cockroach will live 9 days without its' head before it dies.

Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A cats' urine glows under a black light.

Polar Bears are left handed.

Starfish have no brains.

Some lions mate 50 times a day.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

[BonnieC10]

We went out to dinner New Years Eve and had every intention of watching the ball drop, but slept through it. We woke up and couldn't figure out what was taking them so long. It was after midnight for goodness sake, what were they thinking??

We still have our Christmas decorations in (Epiphany you know) the tree needles are starting to drop and I can honestly say I am sick of Christmas and would like to vacuum again without sucking the tree skirt up the Rainbow....

The wind did a number on everybody's outside decorations, so everything is slightly askew, and the lights on the trees are beginning to take on the shapes of wild animals and things. There's a giraffe out back and we also have an enormous hand flipping off the guy across the street.

We have a table full of loftover stuff accumulated since Christmas ( cookies,candy and other assorted goodies that needs to go far away...) Must be what an alcoholic feels like around drinkers...you really want some, but you know you shouldn't!  I have a sinus infection brewing I think, the cat just threw up on the rug, and I'm on the tail end of menopause. You have such wonderful things to look forward to. I still have PMS every month, but nothing happens. I have hot flashes that would heat up Fenway Park, and for some reason sometimes just my eyelids and the palms of my hands sweat...water running off kind of sweat...I should wear gloves and eye patches all the time. Well here's to 2014 !  Cheers !

[BonnieC10]

Welcome JOyce 1 ...Thanks for posting. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS.

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY Happy New Year!!:

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

Seems this elderly couple in their 70s went to the  clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.  When the counselor asked, "Why do you feel that you should be tested at your age, the old man answered.

       He said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!" 

 

Posted by J0yce1

[J0yce1]

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

Seems this elderly couple in their 70s went to the  clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.  When the counselor asked, "Why do you feel that you should be tested at your age, the old man answered.

       He said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!" 

 

[BonnieC10]

When it's winter time in Maine..

And the gentle breezes blow..

About seventy miles an hour,

And it's fifty-two below..

You can tell you're in Maine,

'Cause the snows up to your butt,

And you take a breath of fresh air,

And your nose holes both freeze shut !

The weather here is wonderful..

So I guess I'll stick around..

I could never leave Maine,

My feet are frozen to the ground!     

[BonnieC10]

I knew I was going bald, when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face....

I knew the romance was dead, when I drank champagne out of the old gals slipper, and choked on a Dr. Scholl's foot pad !

One day you'll look in the mirror, and realize the face you're shaving is your fathers.

Laugh a little every day. It's better than chicken soup!  

[BonnieC10]

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Fransico. The pastor of the church was looking over the lawn and he noticed the baby Jesus figure was missing from the manger.

He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in it was the figure of the infant Jesus.

So he walked up to him and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take HIm?"

The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

                           MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE !