AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY - Page 41

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

BonnieC10 · ‎11-02-2013

KFC UPDATE

Remember when Playboy magazine offered Sarah Palin $4million to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

Then Michelle OBama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

KFC offered a "Hillary" meal consisting of two small breasts and 2 large thighs?

Now KFC is offering the Obama Bucket;

It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken sh-- !!

BonnieC10 · ‎11-01-2013

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. The judge asked her what she had stolen, and she replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her how many peaches was in the can and she said, "6".

The judge gave her six days in jail.

Her husband popped up and said, "She also stole a can of peas.".....

BonnieC10 · ‎10-31-2013

BY PUMPKINS FAT

AND WITCHES LEAN....

BY BLACK COOL CATS

WITH EYES OF GREEN...

BY ALL THE HAPPINESS

EVER DREAMED...

I WISH YOU ALL

A SAFE HALLOWEEN !!!

BonnieC10 · ‎10-30-2013

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop starring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies:

"I have a question to ask and I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son you cannot offend me. I've seen and heard about everything, so there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy about kissing a nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. #1 , you have to be single, and #2 you must be Catholic."

The driver is very excited. "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"Okay," she says, "Pull into that alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush...

But when they get back onto the street, the cabbie begins to cry.

"Forgive me, but I've sinned" he admits. "I'm married and Jewish."

The nun says "That's Okay. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

BonnieC10 · ‎10-29-2013

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid, and decided to lay a trap for him.

One evening she sent the maid home early for the weekend, and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the hubby gave the old story, "Excuse me dear, my stomach aches." and he went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed and turned out the lights.

Right on cue in he came and had his way with her. Later the wife said, "You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you?" and she turned on the light.

"No ma'am," said the gardner.

BonnieC10 · ‎10-29-2013

A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST MEMBERS:

rtreece

janetredfield4

May smiles come your way everyday !

BonnieC10 · ‎10-28-2013

There are witches in my mailbox.....

What am I to do??

I found them there this morning,

Doing things they shouldn't do..

How the witches got there

I haven't got a clue..

But they won't be there much longer

Because I'm sending them to YOU !!!

You've been Witch Kissed !

Before the warts begin to spread,

Pass the kisses on instead !

BonnieC10 · ‎10-27-2013

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

Rodney Dangerfield

"Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

Spike Milligan

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP."

Joe Namath

"I don't feel old, I don't feel anything until noon,then it's time for my nap."

Bob Hope

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things the fish do in it."

W.C.Fields

BonnieC10 · ‎10-26-2013

A little boy with diarreah tells his mom he needs Viagra.....

The mom asks ,"Why on earth do you need that?"

The little boy replies, "Isn't that what you give Dad when his sh-- won't get hard?"

BonnieC10 · ‎10-25-2013

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark rainy night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad, he jumped into the car and closed the door; only to find there was no one behind the wheel ! Again the car crept forward slowly and the guy was terrified. The guy saw that they were approaching a curve, and too scared to jump, he started to pray .

Just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window, a hand reaxched in and steered the car around the bend. Just as silently it disappeared, and was once again alone.

Finally he had all he could take, and nearly scared to death, he jumped out of the car, and ran into town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and ordered two shots of whiskey. He told everyone about his supernatural experience.

About a half hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Bob there's that idiot that rode in our car when we were pushin' it in the rain."

BonnieC10 · ‎10-24-2013

MAXINE says:

If I get one more Trick or Treater, I'll get naked and REALLY scare 'em!

This Halloween I'm dressing up as a cranky old woman who doesn't give candy to children.

I'll be handing out those tiny candy bars this Halloween. I think they're called "Bite me size."

Rake leaves, or move. I can't decide....

BonnieC10 · ‎10-23-2013

The head gardner at the White House was dismissed today, after 31 years of loyal service to scores of US Presidents and first ladies.

In an exclusive interview outside the backgate of the Presidential residence, the 64 year old proclaimed his innocence, and strongly condemned his firing. "It all happened so fast, I'm still in a daze."

"All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval office window, like I do every week. I called out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?" And the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was hauling me off the property!"

BonnieC10 · ‎10-22-2013

YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN:

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party...

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture...

You wake up and your braces are stuck together..

Your blind date turns out to be your exwife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces (possible)

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss'wife on her unusual perfume, and she isn't wearing any..

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight, when you get home a sandwich is on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for...

BonnieC10 · ‎10-21-2013

MAXINE SAYS :

If midnight is called the 'witching hour' , then 6 a.m. should be called the 'bitching hour'.

Under no circumstances will I ever let anyone see what I'v got locked up in my basement. Yep, that's where I keep the good beer.

People who yell "Trick or treat" are givin' me one too many options.

Every Halloween I pretend to be the same thing.... not at home.

Trick-or-treaters can be so cute...imagine them coming to my door expecting to get something for free..

BonnieC10 · ‎10-20-2013

It was a dark and stormy night......

Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.. as it happens near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late and raining very hard, they could barely see the road in front of them. Suddenly the car skids out of control ! Bob attemps to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his wife and sees she is unconscious. He picks her up and begins to carry her down the road, hoping to get medical attention. He see a light in a large, old house and knocks on the door.

A small, hunched back man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts out, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident and she's been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, " but we do not have a phone. My master is a doctor, come in and I will get him." Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs, "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am no medical doctor, I am a scientist. However I have basic medical training, I will see what I can do. Igor bring them down to the lab."

With that Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely... he places her on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion, and his own injuries. "Things are serious Igor, prepare a transfusion." All efforts fail, Bob and Betty are no more.

Wearily Igor's master climbs the stairs to his grand piano. For it is here that he always finds solace. He begins to play, and a hauting melody fills the house.

Igor is still in the lab tidying up, and he catches a movement out of the corner of his eye. He watches as Bob's arm rises marking the beat to the music! Betty and Bob both sit up straight .... he dashes up the stairs, bursts in and shouts to his master:

"MASTER, MASTER !... THE HILLS'S ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC !"

(sorry, you should have seen this coming)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

BonnieC10 · ‎10-19-2013

Hey Nell.... good to see you posting! How's everything with you? Have a great day!

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Little Old Lady: " I am 86 Yrs. Old."

lol

Posted by nell2

BonnieC10 · ‎10-19-2013

LADIES...GET THOSE MAMMIES GRAMMED !!

For years and years they told me, be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruises them, and give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all the warnings, and protected them by law,

Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.

After 30 years of astute care, my gyno Dr. Pruitt

Said I should get a mammogram, I said "Okay, let's do it".

'Stand up there real close," she said ( I got my boob in line)

"And tell me when it hurts", she said " Ah, yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate came slamming down, my hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangeled, from underneath my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed, to Swedish pancake thin .

Excruciating pain I felt, within it's viselike grip,

A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit !

"Take a deep breath" she said to me, who does she think she's kidding,

My chest is smashed in her machine, and woozy I am getting.

"There that's good," I heard her say, ( the room was slowly swaying)

"Now let's have a go at the other one" Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down, it squeezed me from both sides

I'll bet she's never had this done, to HER tender little hide.

Next time they make me do this, I will request a blindfold,

I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now,

If there had been a cyst in there, it would have gone "Ker-pow!)

This machine was created by a man, of this I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there, and see how THEY come out !

BonnieC10 · ‎10-18-2013

Maxine says:

The leaves have started changing colors. Which reminds me I need to clean out the refrigerator.

Tonight's a full moon huh?

Well at least my howling won't seem so out of place.

The squirrels must be gathering nuts.

Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

Can someone please tell me what's fun about a hayride?

What really scares me at Halloween is knowing that all the family holidays are coming up.

Rake leaves or move?

I can't decide.

Some of the neighbors kids actually look better in masks.

BonnieC10 · ‎10-17-2013

In case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management techinque recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is, that it really does work, and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool maountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clean you can make out the face of the Congressman you are holding under water.

See, it worked! You feel better already. : )

BonnieC10 · ‎10-16-2013

A PRAYER FOR GRANDPA

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Grandpa's computer.

Amen

BonnieC10 · ‎10-16-2013

There are witches in my mailbox.....

What am I to do?

I found them there this morning..

Doing things they shouldn't do !

How the witches got there...

I haven't got a clue.

But they won't be there much longer..

Because I'm sending them to you !!!

You've been witch kissed !

Before the warts begin to spread......

Pass the kisses on instead!

BonnieC10 · ‎10-15-2013

You Know You Are Too Old To Trick Or Treat When:

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You Have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

You ask for high fiber candy.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask." And you're not wearing a mask..

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or.." and can't remember the rest.

By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick or Treating........

You keep having to go home to pee.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.

BonnieC10 · ‎10-14-2013

A bald headed man with a wooden leg, was invited to a Halloween party. He dosen't know what to wear, so he writes to a fancy costume company and asks for their help.

A few days later a parcel is deliverd with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handekerchief will cover your head and with your wooden leg you will be right as a Pirate.

The man is offended and writes a letter of complaint, feeling it emphasizes his disability.

A week passes and he receives a monk's habit costume.He is really outraged now as it emphasizes his bald head.

A few days later he recieves a very small parcel from the company with his accompanying letter:

Dear Sir;

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup on your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple !

BonnieC10 · ‎10-11-2013

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days, so the man told his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife..."What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.

That night when he returns from work , there on the bed, is a Batman costume.. again he yells... "Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back!

The next night, there on the bed lays three items. One is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4. The husband yells, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you, and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. AND, if you don't like that idea.. you can shove the 2x4 up your butt and go as a fudgesicle!"

BonnieC10 · ‎10-10-2013

MAXINE SAYS:

Vampires sleep all day...

fly wherever they want for free...

and can't see themselves

in a mirror....

Where do I sign?

BonnieC10 · ‎10-09-2013

An old couple, who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that !!"

She said, "I can go any way I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out srark raving naked with a potato tied to his tally whacker.

The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"

And he replied, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator!"

BonnieC10 · ‎10-08-2013

Maxine says:

"Bail 'em out?? Hell , back in 1990 the Government seized the Mustang Ranch in Nevada for tax evasion. And as required by law, tried to run it... They failed and it closed. Now, are we entrusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health care plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?

What the Hell are we thinking?

BonnieC10 · ‎10-07-2013

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland from Vancouver. The wife had a wooden leg, and to insure it in BC would have been $2000. a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an insurance company to see how much it would be there.

The agent looked it up on his computer and said, "That'll be $39.00".

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap?

The agent turned his computer screen around to the couple and said," "Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

"Any wooden structure , with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00"

I always did find the Newfie's logic far superior to most others... : )

BonnieC10 · ‎10-07-2013

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH....

Ladies...get your mammies grammed !!

BonnieC10 · ‎10-06-2013

An old Catholic nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers, and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided to take her lunch and sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where they were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One asked, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."