AARP Hearing Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Newberg's a total schlemiel and has his first date, so he goes to the drug store to buy some condoms. The clerk says, "That'll be $5.98 plus tax."
Newberg says, "Tacks? Don't they stay up by themselves?" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Dear Santa ...
I don't want much for Christmas. I just want the person reading this to be happy. Friends are like the fruit cake of life..some nutty, some soaked in alcohol, some sweet. But mix them all together and they're my friends.
Love ya,
p.s. Send this to all of your fruitcakes. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Christmas lights remind me of politicians....
They all hang together. Half of the suckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't all that bright!
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
4 STAGES OF MAN
The 1st is when you believe in Santa...
The 2nd is when you don't believe in santa...
The 3rd is when you ARE Santa...
The 4th is when you look like Santa !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
As a teacher, Ms. Jones was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Kathleen.
"Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings."
"How about you Jimmy , what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols. We get home late and put cookies and milk out by the chimney for Santa ."
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class named Kevin, and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Kevin, what do you do at Christmas?"
Kevin said, "Well it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Cadillac, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing. "What A Friend We Have in Jesus," Then we all go to the Bahamas."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because he had promised to help her carry her purchases.
She decided to call his cell phone and see where he was....
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Luis and Pepe, two Mexicans, are stuck in the desert starving, when Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is ,Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
They struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance is tree loaded with bacon.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
With that Luis staggers towards the tree, gets within 5 meters, when suddenly a machine gun opens up and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded he warns Pepe.
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mia migo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree, ees......................
ees........
ees.......
ees....
ees....
Ess...... a ham bush!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Please be advised. I am sick and tired of answering questions about my dog, who mauled 6 people for wearing Obama Tee-shirts,4 wearing Pelosi Tee-shirts, 2 Democrats, 9 teenagers with pants hanging past their cracks, 3 flag burners and a Paxistani taxi driver.
Now for the last time..... the dog is NOT for sale !!
I'm trying to talk him into quitting smoking, but he says it helps get the bad taste out of his mouth.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
HOSTESS SPLIT UP
You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a worker's strike. But you may not have heard how it was split up...
The State Dept. hired all the Twinkies.
The Social Security Dept. hired all the Hotto's.
The General's are sleeping with the Cupcakes.
And the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word...
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sacastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep", the wife replied, "In laws."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Students in an advanced Biology class were given this question:
Name 7 advantages of Mother's milk.
One student wrote:
1. It's the perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It's always the right temperature.
4. It's inexpensive.
5. It bonds the mother to the child and vice versa.
6. Always available as needed .
Running out of time, he hurridly wrote...
7. It comes in two attractive containers, and is high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
THREE KIDS FISHING
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway, when he tripped , fell over the bridge and landed in a creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney World and Barack said, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes." Barack said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them."
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset."
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said,"But you don't look handicapped to me." The kid said, "I will be after my Dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, Mamacita...let's play WEEWEECHU."
"Oh no, not now. Let's look at the moon." said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon Baby...let's you and me play WEEWEECHU. I love you and it's the perfect time." Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, Corazoncito just once.....play WEEWEECHU with me.."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, just one time...."
So Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.......
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas.....Weeweechu a Merry Christmas.....Weeweechu a Merry Christmas....and a Happy New Year." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other , " I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a-- holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left!"
Seniors---- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by Hal
Morning Hal
MORAL :Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.- (you got that 1 right) 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by JanieB
JanieB a good one lol
The10 Commandments of Grits
In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Poor preacher / "a wizard under the sheets." wow 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by Juicyjoints
Hi Juicyjoints
When a hardened driving examiner steps into a rebellious 16 year-old's car, just like a teen
lol 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep..
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned , the dark meat and white..
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation...
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door...
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes...
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round...
'Til all of a sudden I rose off the ground!
I crashed through the ceiling , floating into the sky...
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees..
Happy Eating to all.. Pass the cranberries please.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
to all the Turkeys I know?
that will be along list 
nell
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