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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club". Yeah, I stand in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet while I'm in the shower.

 

 

Maxine

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Men are always whining about

how we're suffocating them..

 

Personally, I think if you can still hear them

whining, you're not pressing hard enough

on the pillow !

 

 

Maxine

 

 

 

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Few women admit their age...

Few men act it !

 

If you can't change your mind..

are you sure you still HAVE one?

 

As long as there are tests

there will be prayers in

Public schools !

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Do you realize in about 40 years,

we'll have thousands of old ladies

running around with tattoos?

and

Rap music will be the

GOLDEN OLDIES !

(now that's scary)

 

 

Maxine

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Ever notice how the people

who tell you to calm down,

are the people who

got you mad in the first place...

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There's a time each winter

when things go from magical

to miserable.

They call it "January".

 

 

 

 

Maxine

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In the dim and distant past,

When life's tempo wasn't so fast..

Grandma used to rock and knit,

Crochet, tat, and baby sit.

 

When the kids were in a jam,

They could always call on Gram.

But today she's in the gym,

Exercising to stay trim.

 

She's checking the web,

Or surfing the net,

Sending some email or placing a bet.

 

Nothing seems to stop or block her,

Now that Gram is off her rocker!

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An old blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around by his leash. Upset by this, the manager of the store demands to know what he was doing.

The blind man clamly replied:

"I'm just looking around."

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               All the best in 2017 !

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     HAPPY NEW YEAR

          TO ALL !

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Women who think about remarrying, should just throw some men's underwear on the floor, and shove all the blankets to the other side of the bed instead...

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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's " Art"...

But when I do it, I'm drunk and have to leave Home Depot.

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Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom.

They ask, "Shall we put this on your bill?"

He says, "Are you thucking thupid? I'll thuffocate!"

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"This year I'm not planning to watch any holiday parades.

Nahhhh, I'm just gonna eat so much fudge that I become my own float."

 

Maxine

 

 

    MERRY CHRISTMAS !

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WISH I MAY

WISH I MIGHT

FIND MEL GIBSON

IN MY STOCKING TONIGHT.

 

 

 

 

Maxine

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For the holidays, I bring out all of my traditional family recipes... that really keeps the guest list down.

 

 

Maxine

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"Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,

in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney with presents to give,

 and to see just who in this house did live.

I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,

 no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stockings by mantle, just boots filled with sand,

 on the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,

 a sober thought came through my mind.

For this house was different, it was dark and dreary.

I found the house of a soldier, once I could see clearly.

     The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,

curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,

not how I pictured a United States soldier.

   Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?

Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?

I realized the families that I saw this night,

owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.

   Soon around the world, the children would play,

and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,

because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,

on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.

 The very thought brought a tear to my eye,

I dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,

"Santa don't cry, this life is my choice."

I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,

my life is my God, my Country, my Corps."

The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep,

I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, so silent and still,

and we both shivered from the cold night's chill.

I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark, night,

  this guardian of honor so willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,

whispered, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas day, all is secure."

  One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,

"Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night."

 

 

 

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Za-Za Gabor once quipped...

 

I've always been an excellent housekeeper .

Everytime I divorced my husband I kept his house.

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Twas the night before Christmas , in Texas you know,

Way out on the prarie, without any snow.

 

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue

A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

 

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,

For this was Texas, what more need be said?

 

When all of a sudden from out the still night,

There came such a ruskus, it gave me a fright!

 

And I saw cross the prarie, like the shot from a gun,

A loaded up buckboard, come on a run.

 

The driver was whistling, and shouting with a will,

The horses ( not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

 

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right."

There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."

 

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red,

Had a 10-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

 

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,

With his beard so curly and white.

 

As he burst into the cabin, the children awoke.

And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.

 

 He filled up their boots with such presents galore.

That neither could think of a single thing more.

 

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,

He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

 

"Am I the real Santa?" Well, what do you think?"

And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink."

 

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl...

 

TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS... MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL !

 

 

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She is SOOOOOO blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company !

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I WISH A BRIGHT STAR WOULD APPEAR IN THE EAST OVER WASHINGTON D.C.

WE COULD USE A FEW WISEMEN UP THERE !

 

 

 

 

Maxine

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I wish a bright star would appear in the East over Washington D.C....

 

We could use some wise men up there!

 

 

Maxine

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On Dasher,

On Dancer,

On Master Card

And Visa !

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.Female reindeer retain their antlers till they give birth in the spring.

 

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

 

We shounld have known.....ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. 

 

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?

 

I just did, and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

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I'm so cold, my boobs are chattering.

 

It's not really cold out until the dog's frozen himself to the hydrant..

 

You know it's a cold day, when your teeth start chattering and their still on the nightstand.

 

I don't think all politician's are stupid,

but the smart ones are sure good at hiding!

 

Personally, I think conservatives and liberals should move to towards the middle of the road. Makes it easier to run 'em over.

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I was caught without earmuffs during a sudden cold snap, but managed to improvise with an old padded bra.

 

I envy the rear-defrost system in my car.

 

Time for a snow tire recall...

I can't recall where I put them.

 

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time..

 

 

Maxine

 

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My car has heated seats.

That is, if the sun beats

through the windows

just right..

 

 

I'm right on schedule

Winter's half over

And I'm half frozen.

 

 

I don't make snowmen.

If I'd wanted to hang around

with a cold man with slush for brains,

I'd still be married.

 

 

Maxine

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Here's a helpful winter tip:

If you leave a tortilla out for a week, you've got yourself a handy ice scraper.

 

 

I don't really want to know what that is frozen into guy's mustaches this time of year.

 

I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club". Yeah, I stand in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet while I'm in the shower."

 

 

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There are really only two seasons....
"allergy" and "Flu."




Maxine
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