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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY
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In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't so fast..
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym,
Exercising to stay trim.
She's checking the web,
Or surfing the net,
Sending some email or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Gram is off her rocker!
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An old blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around by his leash. Upset by this, the manager of the store demands to know what he was doing.
The blind man clamly replied:
"I'm just looking around."
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"Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
and to see just who in this house did live.
I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stockings by mantle, just boots filled with sand,
on the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
a sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary.
I found the house of a soldier, once I could see clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,
not how I pictured a United States soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.
Soon around the world, the children would play,
and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry, this life is my choice."
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,
my life is my God, my Country, my Corps."
The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still,
and we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark, night,
this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,
whispered, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas day, all is secure."
One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,
"Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night."
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Twas the night before Christmas , in Texas you know,
Way out on the prarie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue
A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.
Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, what more need be said?
When all of a sudden from out the still night,
There came such a ruskus, it gave me a fright!
And I saw cross the prarie, like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on a run.
The driver was whistling, and shouting with a will,
The horses ( not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
"Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right."
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red,
Had a 10-gallon Stetson on top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard so curly and white.
As he burst into the cabin, the children awoke.
And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.
He filled up their boots with such presents galore.
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"
"Am I the real Santa?" Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink."
Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl...
TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS... MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL !
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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.Female reindeer retain their antlers till they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We shounld have known.....ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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I'm so cold, my boobs are chattering.
It's not really cold out until the dog's frozen himself to the hydrant..
You know it's a cold day, when your teeth start chattering and their still on the nightstand.
I don't think all politician's are stupid,
but the smart ones are sure good at hiding!
Personally, I think conservatives and liberals should move to towards the middle of the road. Makes it easier to run 'em over.
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I was caught without earmuffs during a sudden cold snap, but managed to improvise with an old padded bra.
I envy the rear-defrost system in my car.
Time for a snow tire recall...
I can't recall where I put them.
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time..
Maxine
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My car has heated seats.
That is, if the sun beats
through the windows
just right..
I'm right on schedule
Winter's half over
And I'm half frozen.
I don't make snowmen.
If I'd wanted to hang around
with a cold man with slush for brains,
I'd still be married.
Maxine
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Here's a helpful winter tip:
If you leave a tortilla out for a week, you've got yourself a handy ice scraper.
I don't really want to know what that is frozen into guy's mustaches this time of year.
I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club". Yeah, I stand in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet while I'm in the shower."
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