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Sometimes I panic and think there's a crazy person
in my house. Then I realize it's just me.
I've taken up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut their head off without going to jail.
I'm on a nut-free diet...
I avoid people who drive me nuts.
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Dear Abby
My husband hasn't worked in 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.
I know he's cheated on me many times with younger women and some girls who could be his granddaughters.
He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive wine and booze day and night.
We sleep in seperate beds because he's always telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and big bottom turn him off!
Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated.
Mad as Hell
Dear Mad as Hell
You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p. Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady !
Remember........................... you're runnig for President of the United States, so try acting like it!
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Never mind the 'birds and the bees'...there's a new version.
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks "How was I born?"
The Father, figures he's going to find out anyway, so he says to him.
"One day, your Mom and I got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via Email with your Mom and we met in a cyber café. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your Mom agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, 9 months later a little pop-up appeared that said,........
Wait for it.............................................
You've got male !
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HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS..... TEXT WHILE DRIVING IF YOU WANT TO MEET HIM.
THERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS THAT CAN'T BE ANSWERED BY GOOGLE.
ADAM BLAMED EVE, EVE BLAMED THE SNAKE, AND THE SNAKE DIDN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.
CHURCH PARKING....TREPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED.
HOW DO WE MAKE HOLY WATER?
WE BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.
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One woman said to another at a cocktail party.. "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "I married the wrong man."
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge," Your Honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why?" asked the Judge. She replied, "My Lord, not a single child resembles him!"
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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her . He looked at her slowly....then said, " You're A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.J.K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful,Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy,Gorgeous, Honey.
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's lovely, what about I, J,K?"
He said, "I'm just kidding."
His eye is swollen....but it will get better,
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Women are like phones..
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.
But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
You are....COMPLETELY FINISHED.
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Every wife is a "Mistress" for her husband.
"Miss" for one hour, & "Stress" for the remaining 23 hours!
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman.
Before marriage and after marriage.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo.
And not even a single one hitting the target...
From another room wife called the husband:
"Honey what are you doing?"
Husband... "Missing you!".
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GROUCHO MARX
Groucho's retort when his daughter was restricted access to a country club pool ( Jews were not allowed in most country clubs at that time ).
"But my daughter's only half Jewish . Can she go in up to her waist?"
JON LEVITZ
"To be funny, you have to suffer." Jon is a Jew, and his wife is a Catholic. He says: " We're raising the children to be sad."