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Gold Conversationalist

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

 Joke deleted

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Nothing says Halloween like Christmas decorations !

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THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE COPPER FROM THE AC UNIT.

 

 

READ THE BIBLE:

 

IT'S USER FRIENDLY

PLUS WE OFFER TECH SUPPORT

HERE ON SUNDAYS AT 10:30

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Age is only a number...

Weight is only a number...

I've decided that numbers are really starting to piss me off !

 

 

Some days the supply of available swear words is

insufficent to

meet my demands.

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Sometimes I panic and think there's a crazy person

in my house. Then I realize it's just me.

 

 

I've taken up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut their head off without going to jail.

 

I'm on a nut-free diet...

I avoid people who drive me nuts.

 

 

 

 

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Instead of cleaning the house, I just turn off the lights.

 

I drink coffee ... for your protection.

 

Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb",

I need one that says,

"Already disturbed, proceed with caution,"

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"My book club only reads wine labels."

 

"I always offer two dinner choices.... take it or leave it."

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"I think Snow White had the right idea....

She moved in with 7 guys who went to work everyday, and all she had to do was whistle to get the birds to do her cleaning !"

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THIS IS NATIONAL BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH !

 

LADIES, MAKE YOUR APPOINTMENT FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM TODAY !   Heart

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Dear Abby

 

My husband hasn't worked in 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.

I know he's cheated on me many times with younger women and some girls who could be his granddaughters.

He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive wine and booze day and night.

We sleep in seperate beds because he's always telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and big bottom turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated.

 

Mad as Hell

 

 

Dear Mad as Hell

 

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p. Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady !

Remember...........................    you're runnig for President of the United States, so try acting like it!

 

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Never mind the 'birds and the bees'...there's a new version.

 

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks "How was I born?"

The Father, figures he's going to find out anyway, so he says to him.

 

"One day, your Mom and I got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via Email with your Mom and we met in a cyber café. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your Mom agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, 9 months later a little pop-up appeared that said,........

 

Wait for it.............................................

 

You've got male ! 

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EVERY DAY ABOVE GROUND,

IS A GOOD DAY !    Smiley Wink

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It has been determined the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The hubby sits up and begs, and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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Did anyone else think the debate between "Sniffles " and "Stamina" resemble two old people fighting over custody? Woman Frustrated

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Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the sh-- out of them until the light comes on !

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HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS..... TEXT WHILE DRIVING IF YOU WANT TO MEET HIM.

 

THERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS THAT CAN'T BE ANSWERED BY GOOGLE.

 

ADAM BLAMED EVE, EVE BLAMED THE SNAKE, AND THE SNAKE DIDN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

 

CHURCH PARKING....TREPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED.

 

HOW DO WE MAKE HOLY WATER?

WE BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.

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If a gay baker refused to bake a cake for 

 

a Muslim, whose side would the liberals take? 

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When I get a headache ,

I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children,

Just like it says on the bottle.

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Parent:  "What did you learn in school today?"

 

Child:  "Not enough. They want me to go back tomorrow."

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"If life 's a journey,

mine is

between

the fridge

and the

computer."

 

 

"When I get a headache, I take

2 aspirin and keep

away from children

just like it says 

on the bottle."

 

"Be nice to nurses

they keep doctors

from

killing you." 

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Many thanks ! ☺
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AUNTY ACID SAYS..

 

"I try to avoid things that make me fat...

 

Like....

 

Scales, mirrors

and photographs."

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One woman said to another at a cocktail party.. "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

 

The other replied, "I married the wrong man." 

 

 

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge," Your Honor, I want to divorce my husband." 

 

"But why?" asked the Judge. She replied, "My Lord, not a single child resembles him!"

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When you're in the checkout line and they ask you if you found everything ... say"Why, are you hiding something?"

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A blonde is driving her car and turns on the radio. It says that 2 Brazilian men were killed. She starts crying and says................ ( wait for it )...............

"How many is a Brazilian?"

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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her . He looked at her slowly....then said, " You're A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.J.K."

 

She asks, "What does that mean?"

 

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful,Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy,Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's lovely, what about I, J,K?"

 

He said, "I'm just kidding."

 

His eye is swollen....but it will get better,

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She sends the following message:

 

My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams..

If you're smiling, send me your smile.

If you're crying, send me your tears.

 

He responds:

 

"I'm in the toilet. What do I send?"

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Women are like phones..

They like to be held, talked to and touched often.

But push the wrong button and you're disconnected. 

 

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.

But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,

You are....COMPLETELY FINISHED.

 

 

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Every wife is a "Mistress" for her husband.

"Miss" for one hour, & "Stress" for the remaining 23 hours!

 

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman.

Before marriage and after marriage.

 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.

 

Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo.

And not even a single one hitting the target...

From another room wife called the husband:

"Honey what are you doing?"

Husband... "Missing you!". 

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If you ever feel useless.....

Just remember, some one

Is a life guard

At the Olympics swimming event..

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GROUCHO MARX

 

Groucho's retort when his daughter was restricted access to a country club pool ( Jews were not allowed in most country clubs at that time ).

 

"But my daughter's only half Jewish . Can she go in up to her waist?"

 

 

 

 

JON LEVITZ

 

 

"To be funny, you have to suffer."   Jon is  a Jew, and his wife is a Catholic. He says:   " We're raising the children to be sad."

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