SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

Your welcome. All the best to you in 2016 !

[LaDolceVita]

Happy New Year Bonnie!!   Thanks for all the jokes! 

[BonnieC10]

HAPPY  NEW YEAR !!

[BonnieC10]

Here's a unique take on the ever-popular Swiss Army Knife. 

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. ..Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.

Corkscrews, bottle openers... "Come on buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

[BonnieC10]

Every store should have one checkout line for the people who have their sh-- together ! 

[BonnieC10]

I smell chestnuts roasting over an open fire...

Either that or Santa's stuck in the chimney ! 

[BonnieC10]

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor. 

So I took the entrance exam to go to medical school...

One of the questions asked, was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important body part which is most used when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today..

The rest of us are sending jokes via email..   : ( 

[BonnieC10]

                MERRY CHRISTMAS

                       TO  ALL   !

[BonnieC10]

Deer Santer

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer frend Billy

Dear Billy

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write?  I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell !

Santa

[BonnieC10]

Deer Santer

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer frend Billy

Dear Billy

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write?  I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell !

Santa

[BonnieC10]

The Supreme Court has ruled that they can not have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C.

This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Jay Leno

[BonnieC10]

Every store should have one checkout line for people who have their sh-- together ! 

[BonnieC10]

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, Mamacita...let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now. Let's look at the moon." said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon Baby, let's you and me play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time." Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, Corazoncito, just once.....play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "Okay, just one time... we play Weeweechu."

So Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas....Weeweechu a Merry Christmas....Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,,,and a Happy New Year !"

[BonnieC10]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.....

Your momma has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

Your Christmas ornaments are made out of spent shot-gun shells

Your family tree has no forks

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights

[BonnieC10]

Christmas lights remind me of Politicians...

They all hang together,

half of the suckers don't work,

and the ones that do,

aren't all that bright! 

[BonnieC10]

Dear Santa;

My Christmas wish is for a fat bank account,

And a thin body...

Please don't mix those up

Like you did last year !

[BonnieC10]

Please take care of yourself this Christmas.

A recent joint study conducted by the Dept. of Health and  Motor Vehicles, indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related.

This means that the remaining 77 % are caused by a--holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and other "Normal" sh--!

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.

They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being. : ) 

[BonnieC10]

When it's Winter time in Maine

And the gentle breezes blow..

About seventy miles an hour

And it's fifty-two below..

You can tell you're in Maine

'cause the snow's up to your butt,

And you take a breath of Winter air..

And your nose holes both freeze shut.

The weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around..

I never could leave Maine

My feet are frozen to the ground ! 

[BonnieC10]

Dear Santa ~

I'm writing to let you know

I've been naughty ..

And it was worth it !

[BonnieC10]

If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute

Wearing a beard, and a red velvet suit..

If he's chuckling and laughing away..

While flying around in a miniature sleigh..

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along..

Then let's face it..

You eggnog's too strong! 

[BonnieC10]

According to the Alaskan Fish and Game Department, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. 

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolpf to Blitzen, had to be a girl!

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-**bleep** man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. 

[BonnieC10]

It came without ribbons...

It came without tags.

It came without packages,

Bows or bags..

Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas means a little bit more.

John Tesh

[BonnieC10]

"I wish a bright star would appear in the East

Over Washington, D.C.

We could use a few wise men up there !"

[BonnieC10]

When questioned about her longevity, this was what she said:

For digestion ...... drink beer.

For loss of appetite.... drink white wine.

For low blood pressure..... drink red wine.

For high blood pressure... drink Scotch.

For a cold............................... drink schnapps.

When asked when she ever drank water, she replied...

"I've never been that sick!"

[BonnieC10]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it ! We'll make it work, we'll figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they were on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a bundle. I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says, "Well , my wife is at home admiring her new car and reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, Merry Christmas, It's a great morning, intercourse or golf course... 

She said, "Don't forget your sweater."  

[BonnieC10]

I'm doing my Christmas shopping on line this year, as the stores frown on you wondering around in your bra and pants.

[BonnieC10]

DEAR SANTA ,

If you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in your cookies.

Timmy

[BonnieC10]

Two cats sitting at a bar...

The Maine Coon cat says to the Tabby:

"So, they bring a tree into the house and put all these shiny dangling things on it, and then freak out if I go near it....    This is why I drink !

[BonnieC10]

A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall, and it was very crowded. As the wife walks around, she discovers her hubby is no where to be seen.

She called him on his cell phone and asked where he was. He asked in a quiet voice.. "Do you remember that jewelry store where you admired the necklace about 5 years ago and I said I would get it for you someday?"

The wife chocked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember."

The husband continued, "Well, I'm in the pub next door." 

[BonnieC10]

Hear that ?   It's the sound of people cursing and scraping losing candidates' bumper stickers off their cars.

Maxine