AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY - Page 25

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

BonnieC10 · ‎12-03-2015

Hear that ? It's the sound of people cursing and scraping losing candidates' bumper stickers off their cars.

Maxine

BonnieC10 · ‎12-02-2015

"A truth that'a told with bad intent...

Beats all the lies

You can invent."

Wm. Blake

BonnieC10 · ‎12-01-2015

Dear Santa;

Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back;

Send me your Mother.

Two thirds of Trump's wives were immigrants.

Proving once again we need immigrants to do jobs most Americans

won't do.

BonnieC10 · ‎11-30-2015

Bob Hope on turning 70....

I still chase women, but only downhill.

On turning 80...

That's the time of your life when even your Birthday suit needs pressing.

On turning 90...

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than your cake.

On turning 100....

I don't feel old, but I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for a nap.

BonnieC10 · ‎11-29-2015

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacist's Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me..

He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!"

So I said, "Oh thank goodness!" That's such a relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but really don't care though because they weren't very friendly there anyway."

BonnieC10 · ‎11-28-2015

AN EYE FOR AN EYE, ONLY MAKES EVERYONE BLIND...

BonnieC10 · ‎11-27-2015

My wife doesn't know it, but everytime we have sex, I put a dollar in an envelope, and that's all I'm spending on her for Christmas.

So far, all she's getting is a cup of coffee.

BonnieC10 · ‎11-25-2015

Be thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means you have enough to eat.

Be thankful for the mess you clean up after a party, because it means you have been surrounded by friends.

Be thankful for the taxes you pay, because it means you're employed.

Be thankful that your lawn needs mowing, and your windows need fixing, because it means you have a home.

Be thankful for your heating bill, because it means you are warm.

Be thankful for the laundry, because it means you have clothes to wear.

Be thankful for the space you find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means you can walk.

Be thankful for the lady who sings off-key behind you in church, because it means you can hear.

Be thankful when people complain about the government, because it means we have freedom of speech.

Be thankful for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means you're alive.

Ann Landers

A VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL !!

BonnieC10 · ‎11-24-2015

I just ordered a Life Alert Bracelet, so that if I ever get a life, I'll be notified immediately.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs and rear...

BonnieC10 · ‎11-23-2015

I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes and anecdotes that Louisiana Cajuns ain't smart.

I would like to state for the record that I dissagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city 5 ft. below sea level in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats who can't swim, is a **bleep** genius !

BonnieC10 · ‎11-22-2015

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked if he could use one.

The son said, "I don't think you should Dad, they're very strong, and expensive. "

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

" $10 a pill ! " replied the son.

"I don't care, I still want one. I'll leave the money under the pillow when we leave tomorrow."

The next morning the son found the $ 110 dollars under the pillow. He called his Grandpa and said, " I said $10 not $110 !"

"I know, " said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma !"

BonnieC10 · ‎11-20-2015

"I'm starting to wonder how bad four years with no President would be."

BonnieC10 · ‎11-19-2015

"Fall is here.... things dry up and fall off... and I try not to see the coincidence."

" Voting is like choosing your favorite mosquito out of a swarm."

Maxine

BonnieC10 · ‎11-18-2015

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a Colt 45 with 8 rounds in the clip and one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife !"

A voice in the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo !"

BonnieC10 · ‎11-17-2015

The Game Warden approaches a young boy trying to conceal a turkey under his arm.

The warden says, " Where ya goin' with that turkey young man?"

The boy looks down and says, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to the turkey, I'm going to do to you."

"If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'm gonna break your arm.

"Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his a-- and let him go!"

BonnieC10 · ‎11-16-2015

Granny Adams made such beautiful pies ! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."

"Okay," I said, "Tell me."

Well, first I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate."

"Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full."

"Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling..."

"Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust, they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see !"

BonnieC10 · ‎10-09-2015

A wife and her hubby are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The hubby puts "my **bleep**" .... the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says....................

"Error, not long enough."

gearz8888 · ‎09-09-2014

Women are not supposed to make coffee! The Bible says so. Hebrew!

gearz8888 · ‎09-09-2014

It "rains" everyday in England. The Queen reigns!

gearz8888 · ‎09-08-2014

A China man & a Jew are drinking at a bar. Suddenly the Jew stands up & throws his drink in the Chinaman's face. "What was that for?" asked the China man. "That was for Pearl Harbor!" replied the Jew. "Pearl Harbor was the Japanese not the Chinese!" exclaimed the China man. "Chinese,Japanese you all look alike to me!" retorted the Jew. How am I going to get him back? thought the China man as he wiped his face with a bar towel. Suddenly he throws his drink in the Jew's face. "Oy vey!" shouted the Jew. "What was that for?"."That was for the Titanic!". "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!". "Iceberg,Goldberg you all look alike to me!"

BonnieC10 · ‎09-09-2014

If you like having sex while listening to music.. always choose a live album. That way you'll get applause every 3-4 minutes.

A pharmaceutical truck full of Viagra was stolen today. Police have asked the public to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

This PC is equipped with an airbag, in case I fall asleep.

Home PCs are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration !

Talk to each other !!

Call your mom !

Pretend it's 1993 !

LIVE !

BonnieC10 · ‎09-10-2014

Brain cells come and go...

Fat cells live forever !

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

I tried to be normal once.....

the worst 2 minutes of my life !

I had to give up jogging, it almost killed me.

My thighs kept rubbing togther, and set my fanny on fire!

I thought I was having a hot flash this A.M.

But I realized it was my boobs in my coffee !

Two years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs.

Please don't let Kevin Bacon die !!!

BonnieC10 · ‎09-11-2014

LETS PICK ON BILL

Q. What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resumé?

A. "Sat on the Presidential Staff."

Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?

A. They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q. What is Bill's definition of safe sex?

A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?

A. "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q. How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?

A. It takes a village.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-12-2014

PICK ON BILL CONT.

Q. What's the definition of an Arkansas virgin?

A. A girl that runs faster than the Governor.

Q. Why is Clinton so interested in the Middle East?

A. He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?

A. To get to the intern on the other side , of course.

Q. Why did the intern cross the road?

A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side.

Q. What is Clinton's favorite TV show?

A. Leave It To Beaver.

Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?

A. An intern with braces....

BonnieC10 · ‎09-13-2014

Pick on Bill cont.

Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?

A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. What was Cinton's last gift to Monica?

A. Spot remover.

Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?

A. You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Q. Why does Clinton wear boxers?

A. To keep his ankles warm.

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?

A. Chelsea.

Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?

A. His lips are moving.

Q. What do you call Clinton's fly?

A. U.S. Open

Q. Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the her house?

A. Lorena Bobbitt

BonnieC10 · ‎09-14-2014

FUNNY BUT TRUE

My mom used to cut chicken,chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in waxed paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring) no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-15-2014

FUNNY AND TRUE CONT...

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training atheletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.

Flunking gym was not an option...even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym..

Remember school nurses? Ours even wore a hat and everything.

I thought I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

We played "King of the Hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of mercurochrome ( kids liked it because it didn't sting like iodine) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49. bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls an attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

How did we ever survive?

Love to all of us who shared this era; And to all who didn't, sorry for what you missed. I wouldn't trade it for anything !

BonnieC10 · ‎09-16-2014

Remember, as you slide down the bannister of life, there are gonna be people who are splinters in your butt....

Pick them out, and slide on !

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there , alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.

Placing his hand on the man's he said,.. "I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in a stroller."